Juror Questions 110-124
110) Can we see other examples of when you called me that you did not have romantic interests in Hottie Biscottie? Are there text messages, emails, or instant messages?
A: Probably, well none that I've seen that have been recovered but there would be some in text messages, I texted Daryl a lot, I texted my little brother.
J: Approach, please
Did you call any men you did not have romantic interest in hottie biscotti in text messages, emails, or instant messages?
A: Yes, in text messages, not the other
J: In text messages?
111) If you were not going to marry Travis because of the Jan 21, 2008 and Jan 22, 2008 events, why stay with him at all?
A: It was difficult to stay away from him it was difficult to break away from him and when he would invite me over it was very hard to stay no. He was persuasive and he still had an effect on me that when I came over when he was in a good mood it made me feel good and I enjoyed being with him during those times. And that's something I was familiar with
112) Do you feel the guys in your life cheated on you because you were controlling?
A: I feel it was just the opposite. I feel they cheated on me because I was too tolerant. I was very trusting, implicitly trusting and very naive. I gave them the freedom to do what they wanted when they wanted and I think they took advantage of that.
113) Were you mad at Travis when you were stabbing him?
A: I don't recall fear being a prominent, I mean sorry, I don't recall angry being a prominent
M: Objection, she said she can't remember if she does remember she should tell us
A: I remember the emotions, Judge
J: Alright, the question is were you mad at Travis while you were stabbing him?
A: I don't remember being angry that way, I remember being terrified
J: I'm going to sustain the objection, I think you've answered the question
114) How is it that you remember so many of your sexual encounters including your ex-boyfriends, but you do not remember stabbing Travis and dragging his body?
A: Well as far as what happened on June 4th, I don't know how the mind works necessarily, but I know that was the most traumatic experience of my life and outside of those blanks and the ones that I've mentioned as being alcohol related when I was a teenager, I don't have other blackouts that I can call when memories get foggy when I get stressful. I think actually that I have a very good memory. I can remember tons of things, but when I'm under a stressful situation it's like my mind, if you can imagine a computer that freezes, it's turned on but it's not functioning you can hit the keys, nothings happenings. Just like the sound waves are hitting my ears but the brain is not computing, it's kind of like that. So I don't blackout during those time but my mind is not processing the English words that are being said to me, or screamed at me, or whichever.
115) During cross examination, you were asked if you were crying when you stabbed Travis and you said no. How do you know that if you had a memory gap at that time.
A: I think that was misunderstood, I said I don't know and I know that I was crying when I said that and maybe I didn't speak up clearly enough but I said I don't know, not no.
116) You stated you bought a gun to commit suicide, but never ended up doing it. What stopped you from doing so?
A: I was going to wait until I left Yreka and got to Selenas or Monterey area so that it didn't happen right in my families own backyard so to speak and I was leaving for that area the morning I was arrested actually
117) You stated you would not want kids with Travis because you would be worried about them. If that is the case, why did you tell Leslie you couldn't wait until your kids and Travis's kids could play together at future PPL events?
A: Um, I wanted Travis to be viewed in a positive light and I know that he wanted to be viewed in a positive light. I didn't want to de-edify him, especially at the moment when I made those statements. And also, prior to June 4th, that was a hope of mine. It wasn't that I couldn't wait, it's just that sometimes PPL events would be family oriented and I would hope that our families would be able to be cordial and kind, not that we would ultimately be very close, but that was a hope that someday we could be happy for each other in our respective marriages and I didn't want to say anything bad about him.
118) A lot of your answers to the questions you were asked made it seem like you put Travis's feelings and priorities before your own. If that were true why didn't you call for help after you shot Travis?
A: Usually his priorities went before mine when it was something that he wanted. When the gun went off, I didn't know that I had shot him, I thought it hit a wall. So as far as not calling 911, immediately after it was not an option. He lunged at me and we fell and wrestled for a quick second before I broke away. And then as far as not calling 911, like I said I can't explain my state of mind immediately following, it was basically fear based as far as not calling any authority, telling any authority at all.
119) Why did you decide to tell the truth 2 years after the killing?
A: It took two years um because I was very deeply ashamed of what had happened, I used to consider people who were violent in any form, somewhat unevolved, that's how I looked at it, and now I was that kind of person to a very extreme degree and I was horrified with myself and very ashamed. And it wasn't the kind of person I was trying to portray to the world, as well as who I believed I ever could be inside or out. However as time went on and I evolved and I matured and gained more perspective as things get farther away. There were a lot of people that reached out to me and offered support because they believed in my stupid story and I felt very bad for that because they were there for me and they wanted to offer moral support and I felt fraudulent the more, the farther things got. At first it was like, yeah, okay I'm gonna be dead soon so I don't have to answer that and then it started off as a secret I wanted to take to the grave with me and then it became one that I didnít want to keep anymore. It wasn't an overnight decision, it was a very gradual and it just, and it just I felt fraudulent, you start just feeling, I mean obviously I did from the beginning but it becomes a really yucky feeling inside, it doesn't feel good.
120) What made you change your mind and tell everyone about Travis's secret: the child picture?
A: Well, the first time I decided to was when I was talking to a psychologist from California and we were exploring the dynamics of our relationship. And it took me a long time but several months beyond that I told other people. It became, I had made a promise to him that I would never say anything. He made a promise the he would get help. I wanted to keep my promise. I didn't want to throw mud on him, he was it's not like he was a threat that anything was gonna happen to any children at this point why even go there, why tell anyone, but it was such a huge part of our relationship and that everything thereafter changed, everything. So When I realized in retrospect I don't even think he upheld his end of the bargain, I felt less obligated to keep that secret and also it changed everything in our relationship and leaving that element out, it's like a huge missing piece of the puzzle of how things ultimately evolved the way they did.
121) You said you were sick to your stomach when you saw Travis with child pictures, so why did you sleep with him again?
A: Well, after throwing up a few times that day, I wanted to talk to him and give him a chance to explain what was going on and so we ended up getting together later on after FHE, much later in the evening and he gave me a tearful explanation and I felt more sympathetic toward him than disgusted at that point because of how he explained it to me.
122) Would you classify your relationship with Travis Alexander as a love-hate relationship?
A: It certainly had all the emotions of a love-hate relationship, but I never felt that I hated Travis. I screamed it out one time when he wasn't present after a really mean phone call, but I never felt hatred toward Travis although we had those ups and downs that were pretty extreme.
123) On June 4 2008 after you got up and ran toward the closet is it possible that Travis picked up the camera on the bathroom floor and moved it?
A: Yeah and to clarify I didn't run toward the closet, I ran down the hall right after I rolled away from him, and that's completely possible and that's an idea I've entertained also, but I didn't see anything. I just kinda didn't look back.
124)Could that also explain the delay in his arrival and his anger at the closet door threshold?
A: Would that be the camera related
A: It certainly could, the delay, maybe the floor was wet and I don't know if it was just the traction of him getting down the hallway, I don't know, but the camera, I don't even remember how the camera ended up where it did so I don't know if he picked it up and inspected it or how it got kicked around or if it got kicked around, that kind of thing.