believe it or not there is a relationship between oursleves. We do learn stuff about each other. Sorry for the sidestep, feeling emotinal, my mothers lover of 40 years looks like he is going to die from stomach cancer, i am going to have to go down there. I am 58, have been to one funeral in my life,jewish, for some reason we stand in a line and throw a shovel of dirt in the hole. If anyone here can let me know why we do that i am all ears! I found it disgusting. I am older now and for whatever the reason for it is, i will never do it again. I remeber it being tramamatic for me.
I thought it was disgusting, how i got to typing this i do not know, but as a therapist,i do know. I am having a hard time with all this. Selfishly, i do not want to be away from my doggie, dispise driving, hate hospitals, am very againist pain and discomfort, do not know what to do to help my mother, just a mess. It was not till today when she emailed me (she emailed a couple of weeks ago , in the context i may need you to come down and drive me) - how on earth until today, i did connect it to him dying befuddles me.
I thought of course i will drive down there and help my mother get to dr appt for him. Stomach cancer, what was i thinking? It was like a task, (i dig him need person). Not even aware of my own (clueless) feelings about him being gone. Its strange. Hey therapists are the craziest people on the planet!!
Sorry for digression, but yes, i wanted to share -thats what therapists thrive on!!!!! I do not grasp how i did not connect the dots. Of course i will come down and help drive you. Its to doctors offices ? What did i think this about? Going shopping. How did i miss this is going to be about my mothers lover of 40 years dying? I swear to you all- death never ever in this crossed my mind.
How can that be? Not only for my mother , but it was not until today when i got her email, that i am going to miss him. My biggest shock, is my shock this minute what was i thinking?
This is all very strange - then there is this other voice that maybe i ought to be gratefull that at this age i have only been to one funeral? But in a way that makes it harder its new. I think we should all be irish - party! Celebrate the life. Trust me . That is not how jewish do it - the one (uncle i was young) it is morbid .
In my brain i am going ok i have to get my "go" bag together. Just like the ntsb.i am gonna call around down there see if i can find a hotel i can smoke in and have my doggie with me all at once. Dreaming huh!
And then right now its like guilt - i should not be on here talking about the plane crash. Then it is like (self talk!) what exactly is it you think you should be doing . Its midnight. You will, tommorow move on and get ready for this. What is wrong with right now catching up with you all about this. Nothing . But still fell like i should be doing something different. Exactly what that is a midnight is totally stupid. Like i said therapists are the craest people on earth. Its about , in terms of being a really good one, knowing how your own stuff might impact your work, being aware of that, and making sure you do not let that happen.and, yes. For my 17 years i was well aware of my stuff, and i did not let it impact my work, and in the instances when it did, i owned it, and found my pts a colleague that did not trigger my stuff - we are all human first !!
Sorry for the digression and thank you for listening.
