Living with a compulsive liar

[AlwaysShocked]

Several who post here have mentioned that they have been through this experience with loved ones. In the interest of educating ourselves, I wonder if those who have had this experience would share with those of us who have not experienced this.

If a child, at what age did it start? How was it handled? Any mental illness diagnosed? Other behavioral problems? How did other family members/loved ones react?

Obviously when this is a loved one, you continue to love them despite this flaw. How do you deal with them as children? How do you deal with them as adults?

In my own way, I am dealing with this now with a beloved family member. But the person is elderly and I think dementia is taking its toll. But I can see that when you catch a person in numerous outright, verifiable lies -whether dementia inspired or not - it does make you question EVERYTHING and ANYTHING they tell you. I have ended up that I take NOTHING as truth and I verify EVERYTHING. (I have also found, through verifying now, that several really important "family facts" that were told to me over the years by this person were also outright lies. So makes me wonder if this personality trait has not been long-standing and only now being found out by me.)

I would welcome as much as anyone would want to share about this.

 

[gimmeaclue]

Oh my word! I am dealing with this issue now with my 21 year old daughter!
She lies about everything!!! I'm not sure what kind of disorder this is but I made an appt. yesterday with a doctor.
My daughter has several issues tho... this is only one of them.
I worry about her so much that sometimes I can barely function.
OK ENOUGH! lol

 

[jdj8766]

I have a 23 year-old sister that reminds a lot of Casey. She been arrested twice in the past year for DUI and has serious drinking issues. Her social life and her friends are the only things she cares about and she lies and makes up stories constantly to keep us off her case about it.

Everytime she leaves the house, she has a different story for where she is going and then usually comes home really drunk. She lies about everything and will say anything to get to her friends and boyfriends.

The thing that I learned about patholgical liars is that they will follow through with a lie until you have 100% proven them wrong and then they will come up with another lie as soon as you confront them. It's an endless cycle and IMO, it is exactly what Casey is doing.

For example, when Casey was caught in her lie about Zenaida, her reaction was that she was lying to protect her child's life. My sister does the same thing. It is beyond frustrating.

 

[KimF]

gimmeaclue - When did you notice things about her personality? Like what age? I am just curious. I have a 5 year old that sometimes "has quite an imagination" if you know what I mean. Sometimes I am curious if it is a part of being 5 or if I should be concerned.

 

[gimmeaclue]

Things seemed to start around her teenage years. I feel that most of my daughters problems come from just wanting to get away with doing things that she knows are wrong.
But the thing is, is that she will lie about things that just don't matter. It is just unbelievable! It's so hard to explain here.
I just don't even know why she feels she has to.
I don't think my daughters problem has anything to do with her imagination.

 

[Garnan]

My mother is, and always has been a pathological liar. She would tell the most ridiculous stories that would make her look good, or she thought would be received as humorous. Example:

"I went to the Post Office today and saw Shirley there. I told her that if she didn't stop spanking her 3 year old son with his pants pulled down in the front yard I was going to call the police and have her arrested for child abuse."

She would think that this makes her look good. If I happened to be with her, and she told an outlandish story, I would quickly add that the whole thing was untrue and that it never happened. Needless to say, she hated me. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 10 years, but I don't doubt that she's still at it.

Her favorite thing was to tell stories about us kids and other kin. She's say "your sister said that you were driving drunk yesterday." I'd say, that's not true, I didn't even see my sister yesterday." "Well, she saw you, she told me so." So I call my sister, big fight, huge blow-up until we figure out that dear old Mom is the culprit not either one of us.

It took us girls well into our 30's to finally write her out of our lives completely. The final straw for me was when she started her tricks on my 5 year old son. I cut her out of my life completely.

It's not something that I will ever tolerate again, from anybody. My advice is to call them out when you catch them in a lie. Eventually, she tried very hard not to lie when I was present because she knew she couldn't get away with it. It was almost impossible for her to do though. She'd sooner lie than tell the truth about almost anything.

She told everybody that my elderly grandmother (Daddy's mom) was a lesbian. She knew this because she saw them necking on Gramma's couch one time. Big lie, it broke my Gramma's heart too. I could go on and on. If you know somebody like this steer clear of them, they are nothing but trouble. If you are forced to be in their company, don't let them lie and get away with it. Good Luck!

 

[KimF]

Oh okay, I am getting a little concerned with my son. I know this is off subject but he is in Kindergarten and is constantly in trouble. No matter how much I drill it into his head he just doesn't listen to his teacher. Sometimes at night when we are sitting around talking, he starts telling me how such and such punched him in the face at school. When I start to question him about it, he goes along with it. Finally I have to tell him that he better be telling me the truth or I will question his teacher. Then he says, "I'm just kidding MOM!" Is this normal for a 5 year old? I am really concerned. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[tiredblondy]

Often abandonment issues are at the root. It's called attachment disorder. That's what they thought contributed to my daughter. Pathologically lying.stealing, etc. Anything to get attention even if it's negative. Her father abandonded us and her and she worshiped him. When she was in primary school she was obstinate and oppositional. She never cried. She never dreamed. She's in her 20's and still says she doesn't dream. I'll continue in the next box.

 

[miimaa]

Started when my son got a drivers license. He and his friends wanted to run free and party. They started smoking dope at 15 and using meth when they were about 18-20. He lied so he could be out doing whatever he wanted. I used to give him gas money to go to work and found out later he wasn't going to work. He was dumping work to haul around his friends. He was always broke... said he put all his money in the gas tank. Took lawnmower gas from my garage, sold some overhead lights I had in the garage, took beer from my fridge. I stopped giving him money and drove him myself.

It got worse with the meth. I did call the sheriff but they said there was nothing they could do until he got into trouble. He got a lot of tickets for speeding, no insurance (after I quit paying), driving after revocation. A few short stays in jail (underage consumption) then he was sentenced to a year in jail for breaking and entering. That was the result of joy-ride night on meth. That is when he finally cleaned up and has been out of trouble ever since.

I was a single mom (dad in another state) and worked full-time. Usually he'd be gone when I got home. He had too much time unsupervised and so did his buddies. They have all been in trouble. I wanted to help him so I bought him his first car in order for him to get a job (we live in a rural area and he wouldn't have been able to work without wheels). Took awhile to figure out he was lying and also I WANTED to believe that he had love and respect for me and appreciative of all that I did for him.

 

[Garnan]

My mother loved the drama and turmoil that she'd create. My sis and I have talked about this case and how much Casey reminds us of "your mother" as we refer to her.

I'd say it's at least possible that Caylee was left with somebody and she has created this situation just for the attention. I know it isn't likely, but it's possible. You can bet that Casey will never fess up and tell the truth.

Oh, and she's loving every minute of this.

 

[softsoul]

I have a 23 year-old sister that reminds a lot of Casey. She been arrested twice in the past year for DUI and has serious drinking issues. Her social life and her friends are the only things she cares about and she lies and makes up stories constantly to keep us off her case about it.

Everytime she leaves the house, she has a different story for where she is going and then usually comes home really drunk. She lies about everything and will say anything to get to her friends and boyfriends.

The thing that I learned about patholgical liars is that they will follow through with a lie until you have 100% proven them wrong and then they will come up with another lie as soon as you confront them. It's an endless cycle and IMO, it is exactly what Casey is doing.

For example, when Casey was caught in her lie about Zenaida, her reaction was that she was lying to protect her child's life. My sister does the same thing. It is beyond frustrating.

In your sister's case the cause of her lying could be alcoholism as lying is very much a symptom of addiction. If she has an underlying mental illness (could be "self-medicating' with alcohol) it cannot be properly diagnosed until she is in recovery from her addiction.

 

[tiredblondy]

She first began to steal in early teens. Eventually I've been told she got very good about it. We live in a rural area and she was always so street wise. By high school she almost burned the house down sneaking upstairs smoking. The curtains and carpet caught fire but she got it put out before it escalated. (Thank the Lord) She told me she just wanted to smoke to see what it was like with the cigarettes she'd stolen. I've often wondered if she tried to burn the house down then panicked. I don't want to believe that at all. She is larger than me, the older she got the more she acted like she hated me and her brother.Beligerant and mean yet sometimes she would cry and say she did not know why she acted the way she didl (the counselor said that was probably true) She told everyone lies and more lies. Her father also lies so I suspect that behavior was formed when she was young because she spent so much time with him.

 

[Garnan]

My mother never drank or did drugs. She didn't lie because there was a "reward" so to speak. She lied for no reason other than to cause problems.

Very similar to Casey.

 

[dacqueri]

Oh my word! I am dealing with this issue now with my 21 year old daughter!
She lies about everything!!! I'm not sure what kind of disorder this is but I made an appt. yesterday with a doctor.
My daughter has several issues tho... this is only one of them.
I worry about her so much that sometimes I can barely function.
OK ENOUGH! lol

Ditto, gimmeaclue...also have a 21 yr old daughter who lies about everything, and I mean everything! Doesn't matter if it is whether or not she got a parking ticket, or whether or not she went into my room without permission. I truly believe that she believes her own lies. She also has a gazillion issues, but her lying started as early as 3 yrs. old, which has troubled me for 18 years. We did the therapy thing, and this past month she finally asked to see a psychiatrist because she thinks she is bipolar! I don't think that is the issue, I think there is more to it than that. But it is still good enough for her to see a doctor to be checked, because i truly do believe that she has issues that cannot be controlled in her brain. Something is not connecting up there, and she NOW wants to know! (After many years of me trying to get her to have a brain scan! So i guess that is a step in the right direction!)

I just get so tired of it. Thankfully, my husband is the one who will look for evidence to tell whether it is a lie or not, then he informs me, and i get to be the bad guy. She usually gets caught in her lie, so you would think that she would just do the right thing and tell the truth. It is so frustrating at times!

 

[tiredblondy]

We went to counseling. She refused to take any medicine and emphatically stated that there was nothing wrong with her. The counselor said if by the end of her 30's she realized she needed help and wanted to change there was hope. She had multiple run ins with the law. She moved away and now is an alcoholic, in jail for many DUI's (thank goodness she hasn't killed anyone)and still so far away from reality it is scary. Oh one more thing...nothing is ever her fault. I still see the sweet young innocent child and wonder why? The counselor seemed to think some people have a predisposition for this...something just is different in their social perception. Another thing...she was often socially inappropriate..said things that she thought was funny and everyone would roll their eyes. It's like her social perceptions of others reactions were faulty. She had to be in charge. As I think of more I'll let you guys know. I love her, always will. It's just so sad.

 

[Parker]

I just had this discussion with my husband last night. My birth-mother is just like Casey (but now she's in her 50's so ya think she would straighten herself out!)...she played with my emotions so much until I was four. Then I was adopted by other family members and she disappeared, only to reappear when I was 18 and start messing with my head all over again.

I can tell you from experience that I wanted to believe her - I wanted to have some sort of relationship with her - but every freaking time I would put my neck out for her and defend her, someone else in the family would provide me with evidence that she was lying AGAIN.

You never want to believe that someone you hope would respect and love you enough NOT to lie to you IS in fact lying to your face. My fav was when she would tell me "Look me in the eyes..I am not lying to you!!" only to find out that she was lying.

 

[Garnan]

We went to counseling. She refused to take any medicine and emphatically stated that there was nothing wrong with her. The counselor said if by the end of her 30's she realized she needed help and wanted to change there was hope. She had multiple run ins with the law. She moved away and now is an alcoholic, in jail for many DUI's (thank goodness she hasn't killed anyone)and still so far away from reality it is scary. Oh one more thing...nothing is ever her fault. I still see the sweet young innocent child and wonder why? The counselor seemed to think some people have a predisposition for this...something just is different in their social perception. Another thing...she was often socially inappropriate..said things that she thought was funny and everyone would roll their eyes. It's like her social perceptions of others reactions were faulty. She had to be in charge. As I think of more I'll let you guys know. I love her, always will. It's just so sad.

Same with dear old mom, nothing was ever her fault, she never took any responsibility for anything, and she never apologizes. I'm 44 years old and I have never, ever heard the words "I am sorry" come out of her mouth to anybody, ever.

 

[softsoul]

I would suggest that those of you dealing with adults read up on the following diagnosis in which deceit is a prominent feature
Bipolar Disorder- these folks can be almost unbearable when they are in a manic phase. They love to get under others' skin and become very good at it. Medication can be very helpful in controlling symptoms.
Borderline Personality Disorder- say this to any mental health professional and they will likely cringe. I know after spending time with Borderlines I often walk out of the room believing I'm the one who needs professional help. Very attention-seeking and will say or do about anything to get this attention. Usually have a very difficult time coping with being alone, but not necessarily.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder- name is pretty self-explanatory. Very self-centered and NEVER wrong.
Antisocial Personality Disorder- most prominent feature is a lack of empathy or ability to feel guilt. Extremely self-serving, values others only to the extent in which they are "useful".

If any of these seem to fit there are books out that will help you understand how to cope/live with these folks. Of course there are other diagnosis as well that may fit but this a place to start.

ETA: In regard to the use of alcohol or drugs we all know anyone can lie. My point in my earlier post was to say the cause of the pathological lying will be muddled if there is drug/alcohol use as it will mask the mental illness (if one is present). You certainly don't have to use drugs or alcohol in order to have a mental illness or in order to be deceitful.

 

[asher1979]

My grandmother (dad's mother) is a pathological liar. And no this isn't dementia; she's been this way her entire life. My great aunt (her sister) says it started as a small child. She has no alcohol or drug addiction. She just wants to make herself appear better to everyone and she enjoys stirring up trouble. She also enjoys drama surrounding her. Her lies are innocent except that they always make someone else appear bad. She lies about things like:
~ She claims that my mom is a golddigger and stole her hard working son from her (reality: my dad was kicked out at 16 and he and my mom both worked hard their whole lives; they only had money after 20 years of marriage)
~ She claims that she and my grandpa sheltered us when my parents lost everything in a fire because my mom's parents wouldn't give us a dime (reality: my mom's parents gave us everything; we stayed with crazy grandma for a week after the fire)
~ She claims that my mom's family is trash and derelict (reality: of her children only my dad has done well and stayed out of jail; of the grandchildren only my sister and I have stayed out of jail)
~ She claims that she had a hysterectomy several years ago; one great aunt was told that she had a hysterectomy in 1959, another was told that she had a hysterectomy in 1980 (reality: how many times can you have a hysterectomy?)
~ She claims she takes a dozen pills a day (reality: my dad took her pill bottles to her doctor and asked him to explain what she was taking, doctor told my dad they were almost all placebos)


In my grandmother's case it is all about drama, attention and looking good. She had a pathetic life and the majority of her children and grandchildren turned out to be losers so she has to lie, lie, lie. The sad thing is that people don't know the truth. It is only once you go deeper that you discover she's such a liar.

It is interesting to me that my uncle has inherited this trait. He's a 52 year old waste of space who lies about everything. Is it inherited or did he learn it by watching her? Who knows.

 

[amandab]

I would suggest that those of you dealing with adults read up on the following diagnosis in which deceit is a prominent feature
Bipolar Disorder- these folks can be almost unbearable when they are in a manic phase. They love to get under others' skin and become very good at it. Medication can be very helpful in controlling symptoms.
Borderline Personality Disorder- say this to any mental health professional and they will likely cringe. I know after spending time with Borderlines I often walk out of the room believing I'm the one who needs professional help. Very attention-seeking and will say or do about anything to get this attention. Usually have a very difficult time coping with being alone, but not necessarily.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder- name is pretty self-explanatory. Very self-centered and NEVER wrong.
Antisocial Personality Disorder- most prominent feature is a lack of empathy or ability to feel guilt. Extremely self-serving, values others only to the extent in which they are "useful".

If any of these seem to fit there are books out that will help you understand how to cope/live with these folks. Of course there are other diagnosis as well that may fit but this a place to start.

My ex sister-in-law was/is Borderline. OMG the headaches and nightmares she caused. I truly believe she was a contributing factor to the breakdown of my marriage. Not all of it, by any means, but part of it.