I wish I had read this whole thread before I posted. Right now I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack reading everything in this thread. I was diagnosed in the summer or fall of 2011. I should have done some research on PTSD because I would have found out so many symptom's for myself that I am seeing here. It's so hard to believe that as I have been reading I'm thinking that is so me. I have been looking for "just feeling normal" for as long as I can remember it seems. But there really isn't a normal for us is there? I'm just reeling right now.
Is it possible to have many truma's in life because I cannot pin point just exactly where it began? I have so many question's so I have to do some research.
There are a lot of brave people here who have shared. It's extraordinary. Thank you for all for sharing.
Yes it is absolutely possible to have so many traumas and call it PTSD. My initial trauma stems from childhood, and was reinforced by my work in child protection. I
didn't even know or recognise I had a 'different' childhood until the work trauma. I suspected it, I was well aware that my family was dysfunctional, but hadn't fully realised just how bad it was, because I thought it was me! The reality was that I was in the same denial as them. They absolutely idolise my parents, and still cry over them as though it was yesterday. My father died in 1964, and my mother in 1980. My brother can't bring himself to open a suitcase under his bed containing my mothers personal stuff, so I have about 6 photos of my childhood, there may be more, but I doubt it. Actually, he may have opened it, because my sister 'out of the blue' sent me a cd which I returned unopened, so she sent it to my daughter, and it was was supposed to be photos of our 'clan' which turned out to be just my brother and sister's childhood - naturally. Haha
I've been cut out of history, as you do...
It would take me weeks to describe all the horrible things they've done not only to me, but my children, and nieces and nephews. They have cut them out of their lives too. Had it not been for them, I might still be in a foggy blur. But my sister continues her campaign undaunted. My only pleasure is in
not being around them. I like to think it frustrates the hell out of them, but more than likely not.
So, I have Complex PTSD, from a combination of childhood trauma, and work trauma. I also married a narcissistic man (just like my mum), and it has taken me years and years to put the pieces together to make up a picture of clear unadulterated abuse. Before that, everything was
my fault according to my abusers, and I only had very sketchy memories of my childhood. It is in almost full focus now, and when I think of the things that I was subjected to, it's a wonder I am still alive. I won't go into many details, but it includes attempted electrocution on a few occasions. I still have questions about sexual abuse, I know my sister was, but I don't know did it. I often have nightmares about it.
The sketchiness ended when I was invited to my sisters 60th, after a hiatus of 17 years (by them). I was already diagnosed with work trauma, but when I witnessed them and their behaviour towards me I had my answer. My brother made a speech to my sister with tears in his eyes as they lovingly gazed at each other, (totally creepy), and then my brother demanded that I speak. And say what exactly? I hadn't seen any of them for 17 years! Not only that, I had to sleep in a tent in the front yard when everyone else had a bed.
If I hadn't been trained in my work, I might have just gone on oblivious and continued blaming myself for how I felt. This example is only a quarter of what went on that weekend. I'm truly thankful I went, despite the horror that happened, otherwise I might still be living in the same deluded world that they live in.
As it is I have nightmares, bedwetting, anxiety+++, panic attacks, low self esteem, a sense of complete worthlessness, fear, and an invisible tattoo on my head that signals to Narcissists 'pick me'.
I have given to the community for 40 years as foster carer, nurse, social worker and mentor, family therapist, researcher, activist for social justice, and advocate. And I'm the one who feels worthless...
I might not have the millions of dollars they have, but I did contribute.
The things I know them to be are racist, sexist, homophobic (despite their niece being gay), selfish, narcissistic, violent (my brother almost severed someone's head) alcoholic, (I was too), and completely right about everything. They live in total denial of our background of alcoholism, neglect, abuse both physical and emotional, poverty, instability, oppression, secular violence and racism. I am white, but we lived in a 'ghetto' of Catholic Irish in Scotland, and neither were popular in England where we ended up. I used to see signs in boarding houses, 'Vacancy, no blacks, no dogs, no Irish'. I didn't even know my mother was descended from Irish, she was so ashamed of it. I didn't find out until I went looking not so many years ago. It makes no difference to me at all.
But my siblings are now responsible for the very things we were subjected to.
I get that they are damaged too, but to inflict it on other family members is so incomprehensible in many ways, but understandable in others. I don't have any contact with any of them now, and they are the only family I have in my country. The one brother I feel some affinity with, is so far gone in alcohol he is unreachable, but they trot him out from time to time just to show their friends how 'nice' they are to him, for a bit of narcissistic supply.
I know from my nieces and nephews that I am not imagining things, they
are that horrible.
Sorry, I didn't mean to rave on so much but once it starts...
I should have stopped at one post.
I have found Art Therapy to be a lifesaver. You don't have to be able to paint, indeed I often do it with my eyes closed using my left hand! Having an art therapist competent enough to interpret them is amazing. It is also a good tool to use for early childhood trauma, where you may not have had the words to describe your trauma, but you can use colour to show it, then cut it up and re-configure it by gluing it onto another painting until it pleases/satisfies you. It's a form of problem solving and re-framing the issues. There are lots of different methods in art therapy. I also 'paint' to particular pieces of music that touch me. It's quite therapeutic, and sometimes my art is actually not too bad as 'art', but I don't set out that way. If anyone wants to know more pm me.
This particular therapist I have bases her model on Jungian archetypes.
Another thing I do because I have difficulty being around children, (actually not the children, but the parents reactions to children), is to always have my trusty ipod with soothing music, meditation, etc, on it. It's essential when I go shopping, otherwise I could lose the plot.
I also find water and weightlessness very soothing.
I wish you all well on your quest for peace and tranquility.:seeya:
Terribly long post, my apologies.
Such a tragedy.
