Jodis first draft of her literary masterpiece:
The life and times of me - Is it all relative?
Chapter I
I rather like the title I selected. Only true intellects will understand and appreciate it. Not like that Mistress of Witchery at the publishing house. She wanted me to title my book The Butcher of Mesa. I had to let her know what can happen when Im crossed so I sent Donovan over. Just finding Donovan filling her doorway with two big bunny rabbits and a pasta pot had her shaking in her stilettos. Donovan just threatened persuaded her to see things my way and before you know it, I have my own title.

Donovan went over to thank her but said the house seemed empty. Curtains half hanging, wheels from luggage scattered around the front lawn. Looked like she left in a hurry. Oh well.
Anyway, the final chapter of my life , err trial draws near. Its been such a strange ride. One minute I was downright giddy and the next, that demonic prosecutor was shooting all kinds of holes in my case. I thought Dr. Samuels would do the trick but he about flew off his chair when Satan the prosecutor cornered him. And what exactly about him was worth all of that money? That whole nonsense about criminals letting people know when their memories come back. What an idiotic statement. I would, err, Criminals would never say they remember the crime they committed. The local flower vendor knows that, you dont need a degree.
And the day he was describing my trauma! I thought for sure they would be removing me from the courtroom right then because I almost couldnt control my laughter ... PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFENSE MECHANISM ... I almost guffawed. Thankfully, I was able to save myself by faking, err, reporting an extreme migraine. Dang that Dr. Samuels. He was just of no help. At least he didnt cop to sending me $250 gift certificate to Guns R Us.
Then I put all my hope in Alyce. I had her wrapped around my broken finger , err, I was able to convince her of the veracity of my story and look deeply into her eyes with deep sadness and forlornness ... my doe eyed look is really convincing, err, compelling and she fell for it, oops, err believed me. But I think Ive done it so much Im now unable to blink. WTF. Alyce told me I was creeping people out with the not blinking and being so still. She looked kinda freaked her dang self so I decided to flip my hair more, roll my eyes, anything to mimic, err, show normal behavior.
Kirk is seriously afraid of me. And he should be, err, shouldnt be. Hes an ok guy but even he was working my last nerve, accusing everyone and their dang mama of misconduct. Truth be told Alyce sending me books and Oprah magazine was misconduct and that Guns R Us certificate was a little iffy too but they really helped me construct, oops, err, identify and clarify those warning signs and symptoms. Alyce just talked and talked and talked and talked about every battered client she ever had, just would not shut up. So I used, err, embraced her folksy little stories.
Then she turned into the worst kind of stubborn bull on that stand. Actually made me look downright cooperative so it worked out for me. Every question she wanted to turn into a thesis. OMG. Fifteen minutes of her clarifying what the question is and we still couldnt get an answer. Objection. Sidebar. Objection. Approach. Objection. Sidebar.
Even my ears started to ooze blood listening to her drone on and on and on. I mean, dang woman, you just made $75 avoiding one question! And for such a short lived sex fest, oops err, love affair her testimony took FOR. EVER. She was on the stand for a week and they were still 9 months from the night I went buck wild, err, defended myself.
*I* wanted to put a question in that basket: how long is this BS going to go on? I have drawings to do back in my 5x7 cell.
And Deanna. All I can say about Deanna is ... my own lawyer just showed the jury that Deanna wasnt as obsessed, oops, err, in love with Travis as I was. I was just scribbling, flipping my hair and waiting for Kirk to ask Deanna if Travis ever at any time spun her around and did this or that freaky thaaaaaaaaaang. Lordy.
And why does Satan the Prosecutor keep bringing up my Einstein level IQ? He needs to stop hatin And why in h$ll did Det Flores look like he was about to bust out laughing? I am feeling that once again, Im being de edified by everyone around me! And what in heck was up with Satan the Prosecutor when he asked, do you know what that blondish white thing is in his lap? I could feel my hands clutching my stubby jailhouse pencil, err, trembling I was so pissed off, oops, err, hurt.
And Det Flores looked way too smug when he didnt measure the fifth shelf. Hmph, As far as Im concerned, you cant conclude ANYTHING about that closet. My intellect is far superior and no one but me can put 2 & 2 together, oops, err understand what Ive been through.
I would have had more supporters were it not for Nancy Freaking Grace and J-Bleed My Eyes and Ears Velez-Mitchell. Nancy had the nerve to wonder aloud on tv how many more times she would have to look at my booty *&%$ I sent her my own special message with my good finger, err friendly greeting.
During the last days, we had to stay in the courtroom all freaking day. I had to sit there and pretend I cared, err, concentrate. And it was just more approach sidebar approach sidebar approach. No way was anyone still listening to any of this. Half of that jury was in outerspace. The other half were jealous of the fact that I had coloring books. I heard one of them say, Its not fair Jodi gets to color. Well, that little juror had to go and by god she went.
And during the many many breaks, people have asked me what we all did. Jenn would rush to brush her hair and apply lipstick. Kirk would go get a Milky Way. Satan the Prosecutor would go out for a cigarette and a Red Bull, Judge Stephens would go to her chambers and fan herself while spraying her face with a water mist bottle and ME? What of ME during all those breaks?
They all left me to scratch on a dang piece of paper with a broken down half arse jailhouse pencil.
As I close this first chapter, I must confess I really thought Jenn was rooting for me. We had grown so close. When she told me she hoped I found a nice place when I was released, well, I knew that was just her way of inviting me to move in with her. It was so obvious. And when she asked my favorite color, I knew she was going to paint my new room that color. But then she showed up with magic markers in that color. And when she asked what I liked to eat, I told her to surprise me. She brought me the eye of a newt! When I asked her to get my things out of storage and move them into my new bedroom at her house, she started rapid fire blinking and shuffling papers and stuttering. At the time, I thought she was upset that I ruined what was going to be a happy surprise.
But after this last expert collapsed on the stand, she scribbled this note to me:
Well. Thats it. Youre screwed. Best thing is to lie there and pretend theyre just trying to draw blood. Im going home now to find a Brillo pad and bleach to scrub out the ear youre been hot whispering in for 4 solid months
She doesn't get it yet. Im pretty sure I remember her telling me she has a big doggie door for her dog that comes and goes when shes out. Wonder if Donovan can fit through it?
Chapter II
I cant talk about the verdict. It was just criminal!! Were the jury and I in the same room??? Im so distraught, I cannot scribble anymore tonight ----------------