I really think we need something to laugh about tonight:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Important paperwork
A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork.
He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy.
He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener.
The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots.
The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool.
The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"
--------------------------------------------
Sex Talk
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."
The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.
The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."
The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."
----------------------------------
Confession
Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.
--------------------------------
Kinky
There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married.
They decide to get kinky with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special.
The woman who is dating says, Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks hes in love.
The woman who is engaged says, I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Lets just say he wants to move the wedding date up!
The woman who is married says, Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a beer.
Then he plops down on the couch and says, 'Hey Batman! Where the **** is dinner?!?'"
----------------------
Strip Club
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger. Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a b*tch tonight, Roger!"
---------------------------
A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, What is this?!? The wife turns to her lover and says, See, I told you he was stupid!
---------------------
A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."
---------------------
A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."
---------------------------
A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you." The woman says, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?" The man says, "That's me talking to the beer!"
---------------------
Smelly
A young couple is on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make." She says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
---------------------------
Q: What the difference between your first and second honeymoon?
A: Niagara and Viagra.
------------------------------------------
Earrings
A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up and says, I didnt know you were into earrings. The co-worker responds sheepishly, Dont make such a big deal out of this, its only an earring.
The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, So how long have you been wearing one?
The co-worker responds, Ever since my wife found it in my truck.
---------------------------
Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."
------------------------------
Bible Study
A Bible group study leader says to his group, What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?
A gentleman says, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives. Very good! says the group leader.
One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction. That's wonderful! the group leader comments.
One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly and says, I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks. The group leader asks, Why your mother-in-laws home? Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!
---------------------------------
Walking on water
One fine day, a priest, a rabbi, and a high priestess decide to all go fishing. They manage to get to the water, and off they go.
One hour later, the high priestess says, "I think I forgot the food!" She steps off the boat, walks across the water, gets the picnic basket, and walks back!
As they are eating, the priest thinks, "What a display. Jeez, where does she get off walkin' on the water?"
Right then, the rabbi says, "Oye! I forgot the drinks." He steps right off the boat, and walks across the water to get the drinks.
By this time, the priest is very frustrated! He excuses himself, and as the priest steps out of the boat, he falls in the water.
The high priestess turns to the rabbi and says, "You think we should have told him about the rocks?"
---------------------
Birthday
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
---------------------------
Writing A Ticket.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
---------------------------
A Case For The FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
----------------------------
New Person In Prison
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102...
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
-------------------------------------
:seeya:
