TN - Joann, 31, & Adrienne Bain, 14, Whiteville, 27 April 2012 - #5

[CinnamonGirl]

Sometimes you never even know your own family members if you have not seen them for many years. My brother is a lawyer in AZ and when someone put the link up for the public arrest records for AZ up for the Celis case, I decided to see if my brother's name was there, just being nosey. And he was 5 times for drunk driving. He has never portrayed himself to my mother or the rest of the family, like he has ever had a problem with drinking. I don't really talk to my family members, except my mom. So I do not know how they are living their life.

 

[HaikuMommy]

In my own experience, any close encounters I and others had experienced with pedophile predators, as well as close encounters of others' children, have always been with trusted friends of the family and/or community.

The Bains and Mark J did nothing wrong here. I believe Adam was grooming..

Not that JB and GB did anything WRONG on purpose. But even if Kyliyah said nothing happened after the DCS call -- even if they didn't find any child *advertiser censored* when they searched -- if any man had my daughters photos all over his FB, with their arms around him and his face pressed to theirs, especially if his family had lots of issues like the Mayes do, the DCS investigation should have been the straw that broke the camels back.

WHETHER... JB only met AM in 2009, the girls shouldn't have been spending the night with him and his "child-like" wife.
OR... if they knew him forever and he was like family, then they had to see signs of bad family dynamics, controlling and abusive marriage relationship, etc. Why would you let your kids be around him when the photos and the DCS call indicated PHYSICAL closeness? I just don't understand it. But since GB knew him the longest time, and since GB seems to take a long time for things to sink in (called LE at 8pm?), I am assuming he was the one promoting AM as a good guy to JB.

I think JB believed GB and accepted AM as harmless -- at first. Even if everybody else says "no, we were all fooled by AM" -- I think she wasn't comfortable with him anymore. I honestly believe she lost her life because she was about to cut off his access. I am very curious what she told the friend she got together with to "vent"... JMO

ETA: I tried not to say anything about this, because I don't want to blame JB... but Adrienne had also just gotten her belly button pierced at age 14. In most states you have to be at least 16. I think 14 is a little too young to be doing that. Belly button piercings are specifically to look sexy, unlike ear or facial piercings. It made me think that yes, JB and GB were a little too lax (JMO). It also made me wonder if Adrienne had been exposed to things that a 14yo shouldn't be.

 

[AfterSunset]

I know this seems neither here or there but I've seen a few members here that like me believe we only represent a small percentage of the people in this world...a small 10-15% that have "hinky meters" and lots of trust issues (myself included)...the majority of people just live their lives without a lot of conscious thoughts to other people in their (and their childrens) lives. Just this weekend I watched a young father leave his 3 yr old son at a table in a very busy restaurant telling him to sit right there he would be back. I was upset watching this from our table right next to theirs but I thought well maybe he is just grabbing a booster seat...Noooo...the dad proceeds to the buffet tables and fills a plate, brings it back to the child and says here, eat this buddy, I'll be right back, then proceeds to go fill up himself a plate...I know I made the dad uncomfortable as I kept watching this behavior and would say to my hubby...people need to watch their children more closely this is way too busy a place to leave a little one alone...after that each time the dad got up, he took the little boy with him...thank goodness...then we stopped at the video store for movies that night, I stayed in the car. This lady pulls up next to us , leaves her car door open and motor running and runs her movies back inside the store! Not a problem, you say? Uhm, there was a precious little girl (about 4 yrs old) sitting in the running car in thr FRONT seat without any seatbelt or booster seats in sight!!
And I live in small town USA, have a 7 yr old daughter and I would NEVER leave her at a table alone or leave her alone in a car running or turned off with the doors locked ! I just wouldn't ! But their are many, many people in this world who don't live their lives like we do with our "hinky meters" running 24/7 ... Just saying ... Thanks for letting me get this off my chest as it totally stresses me out to see how some people live with no regard to the dangers of this world.



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[LolaMoon08]

BBM

I wonder if perhaps that may be what is upsetting Mark? As the adoptive father, GB is the one who makes the decision on how Adrienne is honored. And Mark has no say so over that. Which would then bring up the issue that now GB also has the only say so over his other daughter's decisions. That could have brought it home to Mark. It may have been one thing for their mother to be involved in those decisions, but now GB is the only one to make the decisions and GB is cremating Adrienne and taking her ashes to California. An issue he probably never thought of before.

And obviously GB was gracious enough to give this information to MJ and MJ should have felt honored to have been given this information and could have made some arrangements to be there with them as they set Joann and Adrienne free? Instead, he goes to the media and tells them of GB's plans? That was supposed to be private! Not for the world to know? If GB wanted the world to know, he would have released his own statement.

I understand that MJ probably has regrets as no one could have predicted what has happened. When he made the decision to give up his rights to these girls -- he gave them up. Who does he think would have walked his daughters down the aisle at their wedding? Who was the one there on the first day of school for Adrienne and Alexandria? Who was there to feed them, clothe them, provide shelter for them. In all the pictures I have seen of the girls, they look happy. They do not look unkept or unhappy. AM fooled the girls too! They trusted him! Alexandria turned to her little sister, Kyliyah, and told her "Now we can go home." Do you think that home was MJ's home? No! It was GB's home.

MOO

 

[HaikuMommy]

I know this seems neither here or there but I've seen a few members here that like me believe we only represent a small percentage of the people in this world...a small 10-15% that have "hinky meters" and lots of trust issues (myself included)...the majority of people just live their lives without a lot of conscious thoughts to other people in their (and their childrens) lives. Just this weekend I watched a young father leave his 3 yr old son at a table in a very busy restaurant telling him to sit right there he would be back. I was upset watching this from our table right next to theirs but I thought well maybe he is just grabbing a booster seat...Noooo...the dad proceeds to the buffet tables and fills a plate, brings it back to the child and says here, eat this buddy, I'll be right back, then proceeds to go fill up himself a plate...I know I made the dad uncomfortable as I kept watching this behavior and would say to my hubby...people need to watch their children more closely this is way too busy a place to leave a little one alone...after that each time the dad got up, he took the little boy with him...thank goodness...then we stopped at the video store for movies that night, I stayed in the car. This lady pulls up next to us , leaves her car door open and motor running and runs her movies back inside the store! Not a problem, you say? Uhm, there was a precious little girl (about 4 yrs old) sitting in the running car in thr FRONT seat without any seatbelt or booster seats in sight!!
And I live in small town USA, have a 7 yr old daughter and I would NEVER leave her at a table alone or leave her alone in a car running or turned off with the doors locked ! I just wouldn't ! But their are many, many people in this world who don't live their lives like we do with our "hinky meters" running 24/7 ... Just saying ... Thanks for letting me get this off my chest as it totally stresses me out to see how some people live with no regard to the dangers of this world.



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Well... I guess there is "hinky meter" and then there is "I've been burned". Because I would leave my 3yo at a table while filling a buffet plate, as long as they were either in sight or would only be out of sight for 30 seconds. And I have left my child in the car, doors locked and engine off, while running into the uncrowded smalltown post office to buy stamps (where I could see them thru the window the whole time, and they could see me). But I've never been burned. If I or my kids had been victimized, I would probably not do these things because it would make me imagine predators watching and waiting for that moment.

However, I would NEVER let my child spend the night with another couple who were not closely related to me -- except for if they had kids and it was a sleepover, and I'd have to know the parents for a while and assess them first. Certainly NEVER after a DCS report, proven false or not. (If AM's sister made a false report due to anger, who's to say she wouldn't come back and set the place on fire out of anger?) And if any guy had multiple pics of my kids hugging him and pressing their faces to his, on top of the DCS call... I would avoid him like the plague. Hindsight is 20/20, but something was hinky here whether you have a meter or not! JMO... not trying to be unfair to JB or GB.

 

[MagnoliaMom]

ETA: I tried not to say anything about this, because I don't want to blame JB... but Adrienne had also just gotten her belly button pierced at age 14. In most states you have to at least 16. I think 14 is a little too young to be doing that. Belly button piercings are specifically to look sexy, unlike ear or facial piercings. It made me think that yes, JB and GB were a little too lax (JMO). It also made me wonder if Adrienne had been exposed to things that a 14yo shouldn't be.

We are facing this 14 y/o belly button piercing now. Mine thinks it is cool and a couple of her friends have their belly buttons pierced. Peer pressure *sigh*. I'd bet some of Adrienne's friends were also getting pierced. From what I am seeing the older sisters get one and then the mom gives in to the younger one.

OT I had no idea there were age requirements for belly button piercing. So of course I googled it and you are correct. In the process, I found a statement (and I am paraphrasing) that said any child who is not responsible enough to clean their room has no business being in charge of the care and cleaning of a belly button piercing. So there is my new rule, show me you can clean your room for a year... (because that is how long they say you will have to clean the piercing). This should get us all the way to college.

 

[AfterSunset]

Well... I guess there is "hinky meter" and then there is "I've been burned". Because I would leave my 3yo at a table while filling a buffet plate, as long as they were either in sight or would only be out of sight for 30 seconds. And I have left my child in the car, doors locked and engine off, while running into the uncrowded smalltown post office to buy stamps (where I could see them thru the window the whole time, and they could see me). But I've never been burned. If I or my kids had been victimized, I would probably not do these things because it would make me imagine predators watching and waiting for that moment.

However, I would NEVER let my child spend the night with another couple who were not closely related to me -- except for if they had kids and it was a sleepover, and I'd have to know the parents for a while and assess them first. Certainly NEVER after a DCS report, proven false or not. (If AM's sister made a false report due to anger, who's to say she wouldn't come back and set the place on fire out of anger?) And if any guy had multiple pics of my kids hugging him and pressing their faces to his, on top of the DCS call... I would avoid him like the plague. Hindsight is 20/20, but something was hinky here whether you have a meter or not! JMO... not trying to be unfair to JB or GB.

I can honestly say I spent the night (many nights) with a very close family member and I was sexually molested by this trusted family member...no red flags for anyone to pick up on and No, I never told as I was too scared...I'm now 60 yrs old and the only person who knows is one of my sisters who is 5 years older than me. Sadly, she was sexually abused by this same family member. We only had this discussion between ourselves 3 years ago when she mentioned she didn't want to attend a family gathering because this family member was going to be there. I immediately recognized her pain and that is when we discovered that both of us had been abused by this monster. She now lives with the guilt that if she had said something maybe she could have " saved" me...I tell her no, it probably would have happened anyway as those were the days (50 years ago) that children were not believed!
So, my hinky meter runs 24/7... I have lots of trust issues... Besides the fact I worked in the medical facilities of one of our state prisons... I do not trust...do judge by looks and behavior...and keep my guard up at all times, but it (whatever "it" is) could still happen to me or my family...that's just life...as much as we want to protect ourselves, our children...the unthinkable can still happen...


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[menmo]

BBM

Well... I guess there is "hinky meter" and then there is "I've been burned". Because I would leave my 3yo at a table while filling a buffet plate, as long as they were either in sight or would only be out of sight for 30 seconds. And I have left my child in the car, doors locked and engine off, while running into the uncrowded smalltown post office to buy stamps (where I could see them thru the window the whole time, and they could see me). But I've never been burned. If I or my kids had been victimized, I would probably not do these things because it would make me imagine predators watching and waiting for that moment.

However, I would NEVER let my child spend the night with another couple who were not closely related to me -- except for if they had kids and it was a sleepover, and I'd have to know the parents for a while and assess them first. Certainly NEVER after a DCS report, proven false or not. (If AM's sister made a false report due to anger, who's to say she wouldn't come back and set the place on fire out of anger?) And if any guy had multiple pics of my kids hugging him and pressing their faces to his, on top of the DCS call... I would avoid him like the plague. Hindsight is 20/20, but something was hinky here whether you have a meter or not! JMO... not trying to be unfair to JB or GB.

Please don't take offense but you do realize that if you get up and leave for the buffet with your 3 year old sitting at a table while you fill your plate that 30 seconds they could be snatched, out the door and on their way to wherever, right? That just gave me a panic attack. You may think thirty seconds isn't long but some people are so quick. The area may be full but maybe not but one person would see this and point you in the right direction to find your baby. You go and the area forks off, which way did this creep take your child? When I have one of my grandkids and they are any age they are by my side. Always. In the buffet line in a carrier, moving it as I go, or a three year old holding onto my leg so I know where they are.
As for the post office and you watching them and them being able to see you? In my city that would prevent nothing. Actually in any city where someone wants your child. I don't care how close the door is for you to run to your baby, you may not make it.
As for the never letting your child spend the night unless they had kids and it was a sleepover. I spent the night with one of my best friends when we were fourteen. We had been best friends for a long time. My parents knew her parents. We all went to church, although at different places. My parents only thought they knew her parents well enough. My experience has taught me that you can never know people well enough. While my friend and I were in the twin beds, and were supposed to be sleeping, I was still lying awake and saw her step dad come into her room and touch her. Then he led her from the bed to where I found out later was the family room. She and I only talked about it once and I never told anyone her secret. I truly wish I had as she had a lot of rough years after high school and now is back on track.
You just never know. The poor guy that is a little eccentric or odd to some, others may accept and come to know that he is a really nice guy. The guy in the business suit that everyone thinks is so great because he's a deacon in the church and seems to love being a dad, if people could see him would cringe at knowing he's a perv. It's a scary world out there!

MOO

 

[winterrose]

GB has said nothing of the sort. He appears to be trying to protect the privacy of his daughters while they recover.

MJ, AB's biological father, is alleging that GB wants to go to California to spread JB's and AB's ashes on the beach.

That is way, way, way too much information! No one outside the immediate family should know that unless the family (meaning the Bains) decide it would be a good idea to release that info.

MJ also alleges he's afraid that if GB is allowed to take his daughters to California they may never return to Tennessee.

Again, way, way, way too much information! That is no one's business except the Bain family.

Please consider that AB and KB may well not want to face their friends right now. It is very common for victims of trauma to want privacy.

You know, like the privacy that MJ is busily invading?

I've also read the family was told to stay out of the public. I'm assuming because there's too much out there the girls don't need to hear or able to deal with now. Maybe his intentions were to get completely away from where this is so public. I remember some people on here saying they have relatives that didn't hear about the kidnapping when it was going on. Maybe he thought the girls could enjoy some type of normalcy outside of their home for the summer, unfortunately now it's been made public. MJ was complaining LE wasn't telling him anything, well hello.

 

[HaikuMommy]

BBM

Please don't take offense but you do realize that if you get up and leave for the buffet with your 3 year old sitting at a table while you fill your plate that 30 seconds they could be snatched, out the door and on their way to wherever, right? That just gave me a panic attack. You may think thirty seconds isn't long but some people are so quick. The area may be full but maybe not but one person would see this and point you in the right direction to find your baby. You go and the area forks off, which way did this creep take your child? When I have one of my grandkids and they are any age they are by my side. Always. In the buffet line in a carrier, moving it as I go, or a three year old holding onto my leg so I know where they are.
As for the never letting your child spend the night unless they had kids and it was a sleepover. I spent the night with one of my best friends when we were fourteen. We had been best friends for a long time. My parents knew her parents. We all went to church, although at different places. My parents only thought they knew her parents well enough. My experience has taught me that you can never know people well enough. While my friend and I were in the twin beds, and were supposed to be sleeping, I was still lying awake and saw her step dad come into her room and touch her. Then he led her from the bed to where I found out later was the family room. She and I only talked about it once and I never told anyone her secret. I truly wish I had as she had a lot of rough years after high school and now is back on track.
You just never know. The poor guy that is a little eccentric or odd to some, others may accept and come to know that he is a really nice guy. The guy in the business suit that everyone thinks is so great because he's a deacon in the church and seems to love being a dad, if people could see him would cringe at knowing he's a perv. It's a scary world out there!

MOO

I don't take offense to your post... but I also choose to live my life and raise my children in a way that is very cautious -- but not quite paranoid. It is a fine edge we have to walk.

If the buffet had a long line, and I suspected I would be gone longer than 30 seconds, I'd have her come with me. But if I can see her while I walk over there, and see her while I walk back, but for 30 seconds I'd be dishing up some more salad, I can picture me doing that.

Do you advocate never letting children have sleepovers, even if you know the other child's parents well? Or even if it is your own brother and his wife? Even if they are 14 years old? (I am actually torn on this... sometimes no matter how nice people are, or how long I've known them, I say "no" because it just plain makes me nervous.) I am truly sorry that bad things have happened in your life, but I don't necessarily think the answer is to completely shelter children.

I take my eyes off my child for 30 seconds at a time in public regularly... when reading a label at a grocery store, for example, or when talking to the pharmacist, or when attending to the skinned knee of my other child. It happens. And yes, sometimes they can get hurt or in trouble in just 30 seconds. There are times when I watch them obsessively -- around water, or when there is someone around who makes me uncomfortable, for example.

Drowning is the #1 cause of death for kids under 5. Should we not go to the beach at all until they are older? Or should we just be extra cautious? I don't want my children to grow up afraid of life entirely. I want them to enjoy the beach and feel competent to try new things. I want them to try surfing at some point, if they want to -- even though it makes me nervous to think about! Yes, it is a fine line raising kids to be independent, active, and confident without taking too many risks.

 

[melissasmom]

I don't take offense to your post... but I also choose to live my life and raise my children in a way that is very cautious -- but not quite paranoid. It is a fine edge we have to walk.

If the buffet had a long line, and I suspected I would be gone longer than 30 seconds, I'd have her come with me. But if I can see her while I walk over there, and see her while I walk back, but for 30 seconds I'd be dishing up some more salad, I can picture me doing that.

Do you advocate never letting children have sleepovers, even if you know the other child's parents well? Or even if it is your own brother and his wife? Even if they are 14 years old? (I am actually torn on this... sometimes no matter how nice people are, or how long I've known them, I say "no" because it just plain makes me nervous.) I am truly sorry that bad things have happened in your life, but I don't necessarily think the answer is to completely shelter children.

I take my eyes off my child for 30 seconds at a time in public regularly... when reading a label at a grocery store, for example, or when talking to the pharmacist, or when attending to the skinned knee of my other child. It happens. And yes, sometimes they can get hurt or in trouble in just 30 seconds. There are times when I watch them obsessively -- around water, or when there is someone around who makes me uncomfortable, for example.

Drowning is the #1 cause of death for kids under 5. Should we not go to the beach at all until they are older? Or should we just be extra cautious? I don't want my children to grow up afraid of life entirely. I want them to enjoy the beach and feel competent to try new things. I want them to try surfing at some point, if they want to -- even though it makes me nervous to think about! Yes, it is a fine line raising kids to be independent, active, and confident without taking too many risks.

I love this post. Just thanking it was not enough. We all wish that we could just put our kids in a bubble so we can protect them from everything. But then you would end up with a big old baby in a bubble who can't cope with life (or have experienced all the fun stuff in life). It is so hard to do. But in the long run you are hurting your children if you go (what I consider) overboard.

Thanks, HaikuMommy

 

[menmo]

I don't take offense to your post... but I also choose to live my life and raise my children in a way that is very cautious -- but not quite paranoid. It is a fine edge we have to walk.

If the buffet had a long line, and I suspected I would be gone longer than 30 seconds, I'd have her come with me. But if I can see her while I walk over there, and see her while I walk back, but for 30 seconds I'd be dishing up some more salad, I can picture me doing that.

Do you advocate never letting children have sleepovers, even if you know the other child's parents well? Or even if it is your own brother and his wife? Even if they are 14 years old? (I am actually torn on this... sometimes no matter how nice people are, or how long I've known them, I say "no" because it just plain makes me nervous.) I am truly sorry that bad things have happened in your life, but I don't necessarily think the answer is to completely shelter children.

I take my eyes off my child for 30 seconds at a time in public regularly... when reading a label at a grocery store, for example, or when talking to the pharmacist, or when attending to the skinned knee of my other child. It happens. And yes, sometimes they can get hurt or in trouble in just 30 seconds. There are times when I watch them obsessively -- around water, or when there is someone around who makes me uncomfortable, for example.

Drowning is the #1 cause of death for kids under 5. Should we not go to the beach at all until they are older? Or should we just be extra cautious? I don't want my children to grow up afraid of life entirely. I want them to enjoy the beach and feel competent to try new things. I want them to try surfing at some point, if they want to -- even though it makes me nervous to think about! Yes, it is a fine line raising kids to be independent, active, and confident without taking too many risks.

I'm far from what I consider paranoid, but I am extremely cautious and not very trusting.
Yes, my children had places they could sleep over at, but not every place they wanted to. I'm saying just because someone has children and we think we know them well enough, we may not. I was just thinking about my friend again after I posted and I love her dearly and am glad she came back from the depths of hell to where she is now. I wish I had told my parents, and have no idea why I never spoke of it, because I thought of it a lot. My dad has passed and my mom is now in her eighties. If I told her now I think she'd flip out. No need but I have always made sure that my kids knew that they could tell me anything and I could hold their secrets, unless someone was hurting someone, then I'd have to tell but it would be for the best for everyone.
My kids have been repelling, barn swinging, water skiing, snow skiing and to other countries. They were far from sheltered but I was very, very aware at all times. My kids have been to the beach and we actually have a pool in our backyard, although it is very secure to where no one, little or big, can be in there without our knowledge. Our house was the kid hangout and I liked it that way. My kids could still bond with their friends and I could oversee it. They never lacked for friends then or now and they have had a full life. When they went off to college I worried. Now that they're grown I still worry about them, but it's not extreme.
As for letting my kids have sleepovers at my family members home, yes they did experience that and also with my friends, but the level of trust I have for them isn't just because they are my family but because we've been close many, many years. If someone new would have came into their life I would have had to start the trust for that new person from the beginning like I did with all others.

 

[HaikuMommy]

I was just thinking about my friend again after I posted and I love her dearly and am glad she came back from the depths of hell to where she is now. I wish I had told my parents, and have no idea why I never spoke of it, because I thought of it a lot.

Personally, I think I DO border on paranoid sometimes!

Anyway, what you said in the quote above reminded me of a couple instances when I was a kid. In one, a guy in a pickup truck (maybe 35yo?) pulled up next to me as I was walking home from school, showed me his junk and asked if I'd ever seen one of those before. I said "yes, and I never want to again"... even though actually, his was the first one I'd seen. It was just the first thing that popped into my head. I was about 11 or 12 when this happened. I never mentioned it to my mom... for some reason I felt like she would make a big deal about it and I just wanted to forget it. Looking back, that guy was a sexual predator who needed to be stopped, and of course, I wish I had told my mom.

Another incident, when I was around 13, a guy started walking behind me as I walked home from school. He was maybe 19 or 20. He caught up to me and said "hi". I said hi back but he made me nervous. He asked me if I had ever smoked crack. (This was when crack first hit the streets.) Alarm bells went off inside me. I said no, and he asked me if I would like to try some? I said "No, thank you." and kept walking. He walked beside me trying to talk me into it. I was actually afraid to go home because I didn't want him to know where I lived, but after some consideration I went home anyway. That time I immediately told my mom. She went out to look for him but we never saw him again.

Why don't kids tell? Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I don't even know why.

And I lived in a nice, safe neighborhood by all appearances. Yes, we all have good reason to be a bit paranoid! The creeps ARE out there, just looking for young girls (and boys) to exploit.

ETA: I am enjoying our discussion, thanks!

 

[jjenny]

This whole story reminds me of Michael Plumadore, who also was a "trusted family friend." Mother and step-father used him as babysitter for the three daughters, until one of the children ended up chopped-up in his freezer.

 

[soyesterday]

BBM

Please don't take offense but you do realize that if you get up and leave for the buffet with your 3 year old sitting at a table while you fill your plate that 30 seconds they could be snatched, out the door and on their way to wherever, right? That just gave me a panic attack. You may think thirty seconds isn't long but some people are so quick. The area may be full but maybe not but one person would see this and point you in the right direction to find your baby. You go and the area forks off, which way did this creep take your child? When I have one of my grandkids and they are any age they are by my side. Always. In the buffet line in a carrier, moving it as I go, or a three year old holding onto my leg so I know where they are.
As for the post office and you watching them and them being able to see you? In my city that would prevent nothing. Actually in any city where someone wants your child. I don't care how close the door is for you to run to your baby, you may not make it.
As for the never letting your child spend the night unless they had kids and it was a sleepover. I spent the night with one of my best friends when we were fourteen. We had been best friends for a long time. My parents knew her parents. We all went to church, although at different places. My parents only thought they knew her parents well enough. My experience has taught me that you can never know people well enough. While my friend and I were in the twin beds, and were supposed to be sleeping, I was still lying awake and saw her step dad come into her room and touch her. Then he led her from the bed to where I found out later was the family room. She and I only talked about it once and I never told anyone her secret. I truly wish I had as she had a lot of rough years after high school and now is back on track.
You just never know. The poor guy that is a little eccentric or odd to some, others may accept and come to know that he is a really nice guy. The guy in the business suit that everyone thinks is so great because he's a deacon in the church and seems to love being a dad, if people could see him would cringe at knowing he's a perv. It's a scary world out there!

MOO

The only person i could ever get myself to tell that i was being abused by my stepfather (who was also a christian...and on and off pastor) was my boyfriend when i was like 14. I couldn't even "tell" him....i had to write it down in a notebook and ask him to give it back to me when he was done reading it cuz i had to make sure noone else saw it.
I begged him not to tell anyone and we were just kids, but to this day i will never understand why i begged him not to tell and i will never understand why he didn't tell!
He told me recently that he never told cuz he wanted me to trust him but he also honestly thought it was something that was over by the time i told him. He said he wishes now he would have done something back then and saved me.
I grew up thinking i never needed to tell anyone else ever. But now in my 30's, people made me realize that i had to help get him off the streets so he wouldn't hurt anyone else. It was the hardest thing to do ever.
But i didn't make it in time before he got to my cousin and i will always live w/ that guilt......

 

[menmo]

SBM

Why don't kids tell? Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I don't even know why.

I have thought of why I never said anything about this for years and I still don't know why I didn't tell. I was very open and told my parents many things but when my friend really needed me to speak I didn't.

I was walking to the post office box thing a few of blocks from my aunts house (Kansas City) to drop a letter. A guy (passenger) got out of a car and started following me on foot. Creeped me out but I went to their house, trying all the while to keep my cool and act like I wasn't afraid, but as soon as I got in the front door I started crying to my aunt and uncle and my uncle was out the door with the butcher knife. We got the tag but there was nothing that could be done because he said he was only going for a walk. We did find out his name and sometime later found out that he'd been arrested. He was a pimp. That was when I was fourteen, too.

It always makes me so sad that when I feared for myself I ran and told but did nothing when my friend was being molested by her step dad.

I'm enjoying our discussion, too, and find it refreshing to be in a place where I can disagree but the poster doesn't (hopefully) think I mean disrespect to them.
That is one thing I never could get through to my ex, the fact that just because I disagree doesn't mean that I hated him. (although eventually he saw to that. lol)

 

[menmo]

The only person i could ever get myself to tell that i was being abused by my stepfather (who was also a christian...and on and off pastor) was my boyfriend when i was like 14. I couldn't even "tell" him....i had to write it down in a notebook and ask him to give it back to me when he was done reading it cuz i had to make sure noone else saw it.
I begged him not to tell anyone and we were just kids, but to this day i will never understand why i begged him not to tell and i will never understand why he didn't tell!
He told me recently that he never told cuz he wanted me to trust him but he also honestly thought it was something that was over by the time i told him. He said he wishes now he would have done something back then and saved me.
I grew up thinking i never needed to tell anyone else ever. But now in my 30's, people made me realize that i had to help get him off the streets so he wouldn't hurt anyone else. It was the hardest thing to do ever.
But i didn't make it in time before he got to my cousin and i will always live w/ that guilt......

I'm sorry you had to experience that. I wonder if you wrote it down and didn't want people told is because you felt shame? I know you probably know this now, but it wasn't your fault or your shame to feel. It was all his. Hugs to you and kudos for stepping up to tell.

 

[soyesterday]

SBM

I have thought of why I never said anything about this for years and I still don't know why I didn't tell. I was very open and told my parents many things but when my friend really needed me to speak I didn't.

I was walking to the post office box thing a few of blocks from my aunts house (Kansas City) to drop a letter. A guy (passenger) got out of a car and started following me on foot. Creeped me out but I went to their house, trying all the while to keep my cool and act like I wasn't afraid, but as soon as I got in the front door I started crying to my aunt and uncle and my uncle was out the door with the butcher knife. We got the tag but there was nothing that could be done because he said he was only going for a walk. We did find out his name and sometime later found out that he'd been arrested. He was a pimp. That was when I was fourteen, too.

It always makes me so sad that when I feared for myself I ran and told but did nothing when my friend was being molested by her step dad.

I'm enjoying our discussion, too, and find it refreshing to be in a place where I can disagree but the poster doesn't (hopefully) think I mean disrespect to them.
That is one thing I never could get through to my ex, the fact that just because I disagree doesn't mean that I hated him. (although eventually he saw to that. lol)

Having been on the other side of that, i always tell my kids that if they ever have a "secret" about another friend or something that they're "not supposed to tell"....always tell us and let us be the adults and decide what to do.
It's sad....kids shouldn't have to be on either end dealing with this crap.
My daughter isn't allowed to sleep over anyone's house except her grandparents right now.
We give our teenage boys a little bit more freedom than her.
I don't trust anyone either....and i hate it.

 

[soyesterday]

I'm sorry you had to experience that. I wonder if you wrote it down and didn't want people told is because you felt shame? I know you probably know this now, but it wasn't your fault or your shame to feel. It was all his. Hugs to you and kudos for stepping up to tell.

I definately felt shame and guilt.
That i'd ever "let" this happen and i felt disgusting. You know that..."Who would ever want me now?" feeling... I felt gross all the time. I still do.
But then, i wanted all my guy friends to "love" me. I panicked if i didn't have a boyfriend so i also made sure i did. I think i dated all my guy friends back then.
Unfortunately, i'm still dealing w/ the guy issue....

Thanks for writing.

 

[melissasmom]

I am so sorry about everyone's experiences with the creepos out there.

Hugs to everyone!

I don't ever recall any encounters of this type, thankfully. Though once when I was about 5 I was playing in the front yard. An old man was walking by and he gave me a nickel. I told my mom and she was SO upset! She gave me a lecture about not taking money from people I didn't know, etc. etc.
After she was done I just wanted to know if I could keep the nickel. (Hey, in my day that was FIVE penny candies!)
My mom was not amused.