Originally posted by johnny
Maybe someone here could give some input on other cases where children are seemingly put secondary to the spouse.
The only reason I post this is because sometimes it is hard for people to see a situation unless they have personally witnessed it, so I am just posting my experience to testify that this does happen. I do not definitely believe this is what happened in this case, but my inclinations are leading me in this general direction.
When my mother married my stepfather, she was so into making sure nothing ever came between them that she totally abandoned any bit of trust or companionships between us (my mother and me). She had been a single mom with me and she and I were best buddies. As soon as he came along, she didn't necessarily drop me, but, I guess you could say she forsaked me.
My stepfather was an alcoholic, drug abuser, and drug dealer. My mom worked 3 jobs including one pretty much overnight. Strange people trapsed through our house all the time at odd hours going up to their bedroom which was their drug office. I heard my dad personally asking someone if anyone had a cocaine, etc. I saw the cocaine one time while doing some sleuthing in their bedroom. They smoked and dealt pot right in front of us. He was also really volatile. Sometimes he would come down to my room and scream hideous things at me that no young girl should hear period let along from her father. I would tell my mother about it and she would tell me one of several things: a) that I am lying and he didn't do that, b) that I took what he said the wrong way, c) he didn't have control over what he was doing and it wasn't his fault, or d) what did I do to provoke it and I need to stay our of his way.
Thank goodness my stepfather was not a molester or physical abuser, because I have no doubt in my mind that if he was and he did abuse me, and I told her about it, she would have told me to shut up and how dare I make accusations like that. I guarantee it. I have no hard feelings towards my mom. That is just who she is. She wasn't a bad mom. She was just uneducated and felt trapped in her situation with so many kids, etc.
She recently remarried after the death of my stepfather. And now she molds herself to this man's personality too. It is all over again, me dealing with a new person called my mom.
Not only have I witnessed this type of codependence with my mother, but with countless numbers of friends in my neighborhood and their parents. Now that I am an educated adult with my own family living 1500 miles away, I meet regular families without dysfunction. I attribute this codependency on lack of education and low socioeconomic status. Sometimes that man is all the mother has to keep her feeling like a woman. It is sad, but true.