We stay for many reasons. I can only speak for myself:
1) He had total control over me by the time I realized I was in too deep
2) If I kicked him out, he, and his children, would have been homeless, literally. (They are currently all homeless and sleep wherever)
3) I had loved him so long, it was hard for me to see who he had become, that he wasn't the same person
4) I had no idea until later how much he was drinking. Or abut the coke that has now turned into a full blown meth addiction. I had no idea he was getting drunk while I was at work and he was home with the kids. He didn't even have any money, I was baffled. But every day I would come home and he would be drunk. It has been three years and I still find mini bottles
5) he promised to go for alimony and half my house if I left him -and he was disabled on ssdi, he would have gotten it.
6) The people who knew it was devolving into chaos and abuse did nothing more than whisper behind my back, instead of speaking up - to him, not me, that he had a problem
Now I think I kinda sound like I am yelling at you, I promise I am not. But I have been with someone who placed me and his kids in danger on a regular basis, and the whole time, I knew it was wrong. I knew it had to stop. I lived with constant fear and anxiety at all times that he was going to do something he could not come back from. This PTSD kept me in a messed up mind frame until the situation exploded and I was finally able to wake up and ciut ties.
What sucks is that my exs kids had no choice but to be homeless with him and they are now engaging in dangerous drug activity too. Sometimes we are just....stuck.
No excuses, but I wanted to try and explain a little on why we stay
I thank your sharing this with us.
It is so easy for us unknown posters to say "just get out". Your story shows how very complicated abusive situations get and how much the exhausting responsibility and complex emotions of the stable partner become. The no-good-answer choices also weigh so heavily.
The work and stress of finding and achieving a resolution is never appreciated enough.