"Everybody reacts differently to grief"

[BhamMama]

When I was 7, my next-door neighbor/best friend died suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of the night. (It was never clear to me whether he died from an asthma attack or because he fell and hit his head on a cement floor during the attack.) I slept through the ambulance, police, etc.

First thing the next morning when I awoke, my mother (no diplomat) told me straight out that Randy was dead. When I began to cry, she told me quite sharply that Randy could see me from heaven and would be upset if I cried. (We were devote Christians, so I took her words very literally.)

A remark like that shuts up the grieving, I'll tell ya.

That's so sad Nova.

I've had the horrible job of having to tell my children that someone they love is gone. It's a delicate thing to do.

My oldest daughter has a friend who's father died very unexpectedly. We were woke up by the phone ringing at 3 am. My friend told me what had happened and she was calm and collected. Her daughter and my daughter are best friends and she had asked to speak to my dd. I went out and woke her and explained what had happened as gently as I could. Kudo's to my dd, she was just worried about her friend and spent hours on the phone that morning and went to spend the night with her, went to the memorial and just held her.

Death is never easy but I'm glad my kids can handle it, if needed, in a manner that is good for them. I'd never censor how they grieve. That's their heart and their feelings. I'll never understand how people can treat kids like little adults and ignore the fact they can have troubles dealing.

 

[TangledWishes]

I am a sensitive person and always thought that I would bawl when the time came when I lost someone close. Afterall, I cried more than a lake of tears when I was divorced, cried at commercials, cried during St. Jude telethons, and cried at every other funeral I atteneded - but when my mom passed away last year I didn't cry. Instead I went into action and planned the entire funeral, did all of the calling, thank you cards, etc. as my entire family fell apart. I went back to work immediately and a co-worker said a horrible thing to me that I think will be forever ingrained in my heart and head. She said, "You must not have been close to your mother, because I know if it were mine I would be a basketcase." Mom was my best friend and it was probably a few weeks later when I broke down and now almost a year later I am much more sad and going through that stage of grief more than at the time in which it happened. And so I do agree that everybody reacts differently.

 

[oceanblueeyes]

I am a sensitive person and always thought that I would bawl when the time came when I lost someone close. Afterall, I cried more than a lake of tears when I was divorced, cried at commercials, cried during St. Jude telethons, and cried at every other funeral I attended - but when my mom passed away last year I didn't cry. Instead I went into action and planned the entire funeral, did all of the calling, thank you cards, etc. as my entire family fell apart. I went back to work immediately and a co-worker said a horrible thing to me that I think will be forever ingrained in my heart and head. She said, "You must not have been close to your mother, because I know if it were mine I would be a basket case." Mom was my best friend and it was probably a few weeks later when I broke down and now almost a year later I am much more sad and going through that stage of grief more than at the time in which it happened. And so I do agree that everybody reacts differently.

I can relate to this very much. I am the oldest sibling of four and have for years been the one that everyone thinks I can solve anything and is supposed to make all the necessary decisions when they arise. This seemed to be even my responsibility before both of my parents died. I just wouldn't know any other way.

And I do so each and every time but I dont put aside my own emotional feelings of genuine grief. I can be very strong even though the tears may be flowing and in a way I think it has taught my younger siblings who are 16,17 and 18 years younger than me .......that strong people can show their feelings too and it is okay.

IMO

Ocean

 

[mssheila]

I am a very emotionally "quiet" person. I keep most things to myself. I don't cry much, and certainly not without a very good reason.. it's just the way I handle death, I guess. Until.....

I was adopted as a baby, and was always curious to find my bio-mom. Well, I found her in January of 2002. She lived in Las Vegas, and I live in WI.. so we were only able to talk on the phone. In April, we were finally able to meet in person- along with her entire family (my 2 brothers, and uncles, aunts, and a grandmother.) We were able to meet in person twice that year.. it was just an incredible experience for me!
Well, in late November of that same year, I got a call from her husband in Las Vegas. This call came out of NOWHERE... I had no idea that she hadn't been feeling well, or anything... she never said anything! He said she was in the hospital and the doctors thought it was cancer! A couple of days after that, the cancer was confirmed. They gave her 2-6 months (a fast moving pancreatic cancer that had already started to spread). I made travel arrangements to go see her, presumably for the last time, for December 15th. She died on December 8th. It was such a shock that all I did for days and days is cry. I still went out on December 15th to be with my brother and to help her husband out a little. It was incredibly tragic, and I felt so many things... I just couldn't make myself quit crying. It was horrible.

She didn't have a traditional service- she was cremated, and in May, the whole family came together (for the last time) and we spread her ashes at her mom and dad's house in Minnesota. Again- I was crying uncontrollably. I still cry when I think of it. It's a grief I've never really come to terms with.

 

[angelmom]

Wow...I guess no one has to ask how this forum got started. We all carry around our own little heartbreak, even if the world never sees it.

My :twocents: is this: I do think people grieve differently, and not crying in public doesn't bother me. My husband remembers being 12 and a pallbearer at his grandmother's funeral. Just before it started, my FIL told my husband and his cousins, "I'd better not see you crying."

I still get pissed off when I think about it, especially now that my oldest is 12 and I've seen him grieve. I would never tell him not to cry. But to this day I have only seen my husband cry twice - when our oldest was finally born safely after a horrific delivery, and when we had to put the dog to sleep.

I, on the other hand, have been known to cry at a John Deere commercial, for Heaven's sake!

I know different people who do all kinds of things at the cemetery where their children are buried - several who leave books, toys, pinwheels, stuffed animals, Christmas trees, birthday cakes - you name it. They blow bubbles, sing songs, and one mom who has been known to lay flat on her son's grave.
Whatever works to get you through the nightmare.

And I don't think the pics of even SP laughing at the vigil had anything to do with his guilt. I have been at some sad funerals, and I'm a crier, but I know I could have been caught for a split second on film with a smile on my face. I always thought that was a bit of a cheap shot.

 

[Lurker Steve]

I have a friend who shed more tears over the death of her cat than the death of her grandmother.

Some would find that weird. Some would find that understandable.

Judge not, lest ye be judged, as they say.

I agree with the defense attorneys, in that how someone appears to grieve means absolutely nothing with respect to guilt.

 

[CyberLaw]

I can understand the different points of view regarding grief. A person may react differently to a death of someone who died from a long term illness that caused them pain. Or a elderly person who died from a terminal illness.

But when children die, or a husband dies suddenly, it is not the same reaction.

Darlie Routier had no insight as to how her actions would be viewed by others.

But if somone shows inappropriate "reaction" to a death, that would indicate to me that they "are not feeling" the grief that may be expected.

Darlie Routier "partied" literally danced on the graves of her son's a week after their death. This is not an appropirate "affect" to losing two children in a sudden and violent manner. Look at the affect of a person behavior, after all behavior does follow personality.

Like a wife who was killed by her husband. Well said husband "wants" to sell her car and put the house up for sale. She is only missing to the public, but he knows the truth. She won't be coming back for the car nor live in the house.

Like a wife who "makes an appointment for breast surgery that costs 6K, with only a few dollars in the bank. A wife who "parties" with friends after her husband dies. Loud, frequent parties mere days or weeks after her young husband suddenly dies on the floor. To me, parties are a celebration of his death, not grief.

Again, not the appropriate affect. Well some people may "grieve" in silence, or private, they do not party.

If you have no remorse, no "grief" over the death of someone, then the "affect" if what is carefully looked at.

Like a wife, who killed her husband. Then mere days later, goes on a shopping spree, takes a cruise, buys a new car, new clothes, and then cruises bars and parties. Well is that normal......in most people's mind, that is not normal. But the wife is "relieved" her husband is gone and shows no remorse or grief.

Many people who are responsible for crimes, go before a camera and cry boo hoo, find the killer, my wife is dead, our kids are without a Mom, but this is all an act to deflect blame. To them "they act in the manner that is expected".

But again, people who party after the death of a loved one is just not an appropriate reaction to a loss of a person that they "claimed" they loved.

Darlie Routier entered the house that her two boys died in a sudden and violeent manner and she was more concerned about "the material" possession and mess from the life blood of her two boys then she was from their death.

Actions do speak louder then words, and that is often a "tip off" to investigators.

As in: Well she does not seem to be upset, miss him, mourn his loss of life, she seems happy relieved, concerned with her own material possession, her own "party" and to me that would be a "red flag".

A person is gone from this mortal earth forever and you throw many "wild" parties mere days or weeks after he died. I don't think so........

A party does not even factor into grief, because it is not grief, it is happiness.

 

[Peter Hamilton]

I had a much beloved cat that suffered a long, debilitating illness until I felt I had to have her put down. On the day, I said such wildly inappropriate things to the vet and nurse (not unkind, just weirdly joking) that I called them later and apologized.

Two days later I sat down to watch a rerun of "Law and Order" and remembered how the cat used to curl up with me and watch that show. The next thing I knew, my partner was helping me up off the floor. He had heard me sobbing from the opposite end of the house and found me in a fetal position on the floor.

So, yeah, I'd say different people react differently to grief. For what it's worth, when I called to apologize, the vet and nurse said they see all kinds of different reactions to the death of pets.

True--2 years ago our beloved cat died and we had to put her to sleep--At the vets my girlfriend was wailing and almost out of control but I just stood there numb and in shock--When we got home, in the privacy of our own home, it was my turn to wail and to be almost out of control------so the vet saw two different public reactions with us but they were really the same

 

[Jeana (DP)]

Excellent post Cyberlaw.

 

[concernedperson]

I agree Jeana. Cyberlaw puts the real perspective into place. I wanted to but it would have been argumentative and that wouldn't be productive. Cyberlaw did it so much better. Cats are not the same as a child or a close relative. That is all.

 

[Gina_M]

My cats were a part of the family, like sisters to me, and I bawled my eyes out when they died. I was closer to them than to many people I know. I haven't really lost any people that I was close to, so I can't really speculate on how I would react to that.

 

[Jeana (DP)]

I agree Jeana. Cyberlaw puts the real perspective into place. I wanted to but it would have been argumentative and that wouldn't be productive. Cyberlaw did it so much better. Cats are not the same as a child or a close relative. That is all.

I've gone through every kind there is and I can tell you that all grief isn't the same, but in none of the horrible circumstances I've ever been in or my family has been in did "partying" and/or "dancing" come to mind. I can't conceive of it and nothing anyone says to me can convince me that its any sort of a normal reaction.

 

[concernedperson]

I've gone through every kind there is and I can tell you that all grief isn't the same, but in none of the horrible circumstances I've ever been in or my family has been in did "partying" and/or "dancing" come to mind. I can't conceive of it and nothing anyone says to me can convince me that its any sort of a normal reaction.

I know, honey. You have been through the ringer as far as abject pain and making light in any way is abhorrent. No concessions when the grief level hits 100.

I always pray that you have clear sailing from here on out. Some do not understand the way life can deal you very low blows and with wobbly legs you work through it. I want to give you a "hug" anyway just cuz you are you.

 

[Jeana (DP)]

I know, honey. You have been through the ringer as far as abject pain and making light in any way is abhorrent. No concessions when the grief level hits 100.

I always pray that you have clear sailing from here on out. Some do not understand the way life can deal you very low blows and with wobbly legs you work through it. I want to give you a "hug" anyway just cuz you are you.

You're a sweetheart!!! :blowkiss:

 

[Details]

I think there's two sides to this statement - it's both true and false.

Everyone reacts differently to grief - true - people have a ton of different reactions, some hide their emotions, some have extravagrant displays of despair, all kinds of reactions. That's the true side - there are many different ways people respond to grief.

Everyone reacts differently to grief - false - so therefore anything at all, including ordering *advertiser censored* when your wife is missing, is not abnormal. That's the false side - the idea that because people have all kinds of different reactions, that means that you can't judge any reaction, however inappropriate, however obviously not grief.


The whole picture is needed - just like bringing the cake to the grave, having a party at the grave could be a sign of a lack of grief, or a part of denial that the child is dead, or a way of saying the child is still part of the family. But a series of actions show the whole picture. One photo of someone laughing or smiling at a missing persons rally - could be denial or a brief break - *advertiser censored*, phone calls to a mistress, and a few hundred other things - it's not grief.

 

[concernedperson]

I think there's two sides to this statement - it's both true and false.

Everyone reacts differently to grief - true - people have a ton of different reactions, some hide their emotions, some have extravagrant displays of despair, all kinds of reactions. That's the true side - there are many different ways people respond to grief.

Everyone reacts differently to grief - false - so therefore anything at all, including ordering *advertiser censored* when your wife is missing, is not abnormal. That's the false side - the idea that because people have all kinds of different reactions, that means that you can't judge any reaction, however inappropriate, however obviously not grief.


The whole picture is needed - just like bringing the cake to the grave, having a party at the grave could be a sign of a lack of grief, or a part of denial that the child is dead, or a way of saying the child is still part of the family. But a series of actions show the whole picture. One photo of someone laughing or smiling at a missing persons rally - could be denial or a brief break - *advertiser censored*, phone calls to a mistress, and a few hundred other things - it's not grief.

As usual, you will always get the neurons acting on full alert. Stay here always when we falter and need a reminder.

 

[Jeana (DP)]

I think there's two sides to this statement - it's both true and false.

Everyone reacts differently to grief - true - people have a ton of different reactions, some hide their emotions, some have extravagrant displays of despair, all kinds of reactions. That's the true side - there are many different ways people respond to grief.

Everyone reacts differently to grief - false - so therefore anything at all, including ordering *advertiser censored* when your wife is missing, is not abnormal. That's the false side - the idea that because people have all kinds of different reactions, that means that you can't judge any reaction, however inappropriate, however obviously not grief.


The whole picture is needed - just like bringing the cake to the grave, having a party at the grave could be a sign of a lack of grief, or a part of denial that the child is dead, or a way of saying the child is still part of the family. But a series of actions show the whole picture. One photo of someone laughing or smiling at a missing persons rally - could be denial or a brief break - *advertiser censored*, phone calls to a mistress, and a few hundred other things - it's not grief.

Absolutely!

 

[CyberLaw]

Thank you Jeana and Concernedperson, I very much sppreciate your comments, made my day......

 

[BhamMama]

The whole picture is needed - just like bringing the cake to the grave, having a party at the grave could be a sign of a lack of grief, or a part of denial that the child is dead, or a way of saying the child is still part of the family. (snip) it's not grief.

You are right, it's not, it's a way of coping with grief. Grief is a broad term used to describe emotions and actions and ways of coping.

I can honestly say, I've seen older people die, people with horrible diseases, family has been murdered but nothing has ever touched me and hurt me like when a child in my family died. It was a whole different process of dealing with it and I'm not sure how I'd cope if it were one of my own.

As for parties...Wakes are just that. A celebration of ones life. If you love someone and have a certain religious background, you are so happy for them, even in your pain. Laughter, jokes, food, songs and stories about the person are common. I don't think that's weird now but I did the first time I went to one with dh. I felt something was missing...but the more I sat and listened, the more I liked it. What better way to show you loved someone than to share how happy they made you and how they touched your life?

Do I want one? No way. But do I want every one prostrate with pain? Of course not. But I can tell you my mom and my husband will grieve differently for the simple fact they knew me in different ways.

 

[Jeana (DP)]

You are right, it's not, it's a way of coping with grief. Grief is a broad term used to describe emotions and actions and ways of coping.

I can honestly say, I've seen older people die, people with horrible diseases, family has been murdered but nothing has ever touched me and hurt me like when a child in my family died. It was a whole different process of dealing with it and I'm not sure how I'd cope if it were one of my own.

As for parties...Wakes are just that. A celebration of ones life. If you love someone and have a certain religious background, you are so happy for them, even in your pain. Laughter, jokes, food, songs and stories about the person are common. I don't think that's weird now but I did the first time I went to one with dh. I felt something was missing...but the more I sat and listened, the more I liked it. What better way to show you loved someone than to share how happy they made you and how they touched your life?

Do I want one? No way. But do I want every one prostrate with pain? Of course not. But I can tell you my mom and my husband will grieve differently for the simple fact they knew me in different ways.

Absolutely. The thought of one of my children being taken from me is the only thing I fear in life. I can deal with anything else, but that would leave me a shell.