Life is completely normal today -people are shopping in the sales, tourists are everywhere, business almost as usual. I am walking about a bit stunned really, not fully coming to terms with what has happened these last few days and yet obsessed with it and latching at opportunities to discuss it with people, either heartened that they feel the exact same way and more, and have things to share with me that shed light on things for me, or expand my thinking, or on the contrary disappointed that they don't want to talk about it or surprised they feel differently or they wonder why I'm so preoccupied with it.
In the end what can we do, this has happened and we have to be outraged, we can't stand for this but we can't let fear control our lives. People at Airbnb apartments I manage (one of my many freelance jobs) are asking me if it is still safe to visit and I can only tell them it is, I mean it has to be! How do we know anything? The metros and trains were bombed in 1995 and then nothing really major after for 20 years -how can we know? It could be any day, it could be next week or next year but we have to live! I'm scared but I at the same time I refuse to be scared, I'm confused really as many people are. I'm devastated for all the victims' families and for all those whose lives have changed forever as a result of this.
My only comfort has been discussion and support with friends on Facebook, sharing our shock and outrage, and most of all standing alone at Republique square, and for the first time in 20 years here, feeling very much part of this community, as if I was standing with family and friends among strangers who all feel as strongly about this as me, and more. A conservative looking well-dressed elderly couple standing beside me whispered and had a giggle that this gathering must have been organised by young socialists and yet they chanted along, were content and wanted to be there and at that moment we had no differences, no class difference, no political or religious difference. If you wanted to move forward or backward in the crowd the way just parted like magic, no one pushed or resisted and I didn't even need to say excuse me, everyone was so calm, so serene. It was so comforting to feel Parisian and part of a community. In the past I have struggled with things like cultural differences and sexual harassment and things but that was all gone, I felt so united with them and realised I was them. A very powerful and defining moment for me, an expat New Zealander.
My French mother is brave, she heard all the shots from the kosher store located a few minutes down her very road, the detonations, wondering how many people were dying each time - she got up this morning and went down there and laid flowers. I love my maman! She and I are going to march together tomorrow and I look forward to it, I think it will be healing for everyone.
This probably sounds all quite silly but I felt like sharing this with you guys!
