I hesitate to weigh in as I know my posts have upset a few others. I believe that some must think that I cannot celebrate or recognize innocence--that I've become jaded through my children's victimization. I happen to believe that no one has a better vantage point than me to shout from the rooftops when I come across innocence, growth, healing, and goodness.
I strongly agree with Songline and Imbackon about integration. Imbackon, your comment about the loss of your cat was a perfect example!! I think everyone, regardless of whether they are survivors or not, can relate.
In our experience of raising eight rape victims, I can personally attest to the fact that each child healed and "integrated" in their own unique way. There were many surprises, too. A couple of our children who have the most serious special needs, seemed to put everything back together quite quickly. Possibly this is because they have never intellectualized their abuse. They know they were hurt, the hurt stopped, and now they are moving on. However, our higher functioning kids did not do as well. Each one grappled and struggled to heal and many are still very much on that path. We are right next to them, buoying them up when they stumble, and celebrating each tiny step towards healing.
Even after the sheer agony of the trial and the conviction (the rapist got 10 years and served every day of it), we experienced periodic upsets. We had rashes of suicide attempts when the case came to the surface again (appeal, Supreme Court, Post Conviction Relief Trial, and request for the governor's clemency). These were also times when we saw a lot of simple acting out, risk taking, and sudden strange illnesses. The children who suffered from serious PTSD had hospitalizations at these times. Heck, when the children had to testify at the PCR Trial and face their rapist again, we thought the whole family would crumble. And this was ten years after the rapes!!
To this day, anything pertaining to the case can set just about any of us off. There are triggers literally everywhere. I was not personally raped but every single time I have to climb marble steps (as in the court house), I feel physically sick. I can only imagine what it does to my kids, who are now all in their 20s. The rapist had a common name and seeing that name on our caller ID causes hearts to race. We had a subpoena delivered to the house recently (for a minor, unrelated issue) and I spent a week peeling adult kids off the ceiling. Our oldest son (not one of the victims) recently took our grandson to an open house at school and ran into the rapist's mother (who works in the same school our grandson attends). Our son had to go out to his car and throw up. There was just too much deja vu for him to bear.
Just as the therapists told us years ago, our children revisit their abuse at transitions in their lives..leaving home, having a close relationship, becoming an aunt or uncle. It was shocking to me to watch our kids start welcoming their nieces and nephews into our lives when they were born. They were literally afraid to touch the babies and toddlers!! We had to ease everyone into celebrating and honoring the wonder of babies and children and the inherent innocence of these little ones. Once taught, they've been highly appropriate and incredibly careful about boundaries (even with their special needs).
We are well on our way to a much more normal life but it will forever be changed by one horrible monster. Twelve years were ripped away from us. Twelve years which should have been normal and full and wonderful but were instead focused on a monster and his crimes.
It is my humble opinion that Jaycee and her girls have a long road ahead of them. We will probably never know all the sordid details on their lives (nor should we) but we can surmise that they've been terribly traumatized. Years of joy and normalcy were stolen from them at the very least. However, with therapy, the unconditional love of friends and family, and their own inner strength, they can survive and triumph.
I do believe in miracles. I wish you could meet my kids.
I strongly agree with Songline and Imbackon about integration. Imbackon, your comment about the loss of your cat was a perfect example!! I think everyone, regardless of whether they are survivors or not, can relate.
In our experience of raising eight rape victims, I can personally attest to the fact that each child healed and "integrated" in their own unique way. There were many surprises, too. A couple of our children who have the most serious special needs, seemed to put everything back together quite quickly. Possibly this is because they have never intellectualized their abuse. They know they were hurt, the hurt stopped, and now they are moving on. However, our higher functioning kids did not do as well. Each one grappled and struggled to heal and many are still very much on that path. We are right next to them, buoying them up when they stumble, and celebrating each tiny step towards healing.
Even after the sheer agony of the trial and the conviction (the rapist got 10 years and served every day of it), we experienced periodic upsets. We had rashes of suicide attempts when the case came to the surface again (appeal, Supreme Court, Post Conviction Relief Trial, and request for the governor's clemency). These were also times when we saw a lot of simple acting out, risk taking, and sudden strange illnesses. The children who suffered from serious PTSD had hospitalizations at these times. Heck, when the children had to testify at the PCR Trial and face their rapist again, we thought the whole family would crumble. And this was ten years after the rapes!!
To this day, anything pertaining to the case can set just about any of us off. There are triggers literally everywhere. I was not personally raped but every single time I have to climb marble steps (as in the court house), I feel physically sick. I can only imagine what it does to my kids, who are now all in their 20s. The rapist had a common name and seeing that name on our caller ID causes hearts to race. We had a subpoena delivered to the house recently (for a minor, unrelated issue) and I spent a week peeling adult kids off the ceiling. Our oldest son (not one of the victims) recently took our grandson to an open house at school and ran into the rapist's mother (who works in the same school our grandson attends). Our son had to go out to his car and throw up. There was just too much deja vu for him to bear.
Just as the therapists told us years ago, our children revisit their abuse at transitions in their lives..leaving home, having a close relationship, becoming an aunt or uncle. It was shocking to me to watch our kids start welcoming their nieces and nephews into our lives when they were born. They were literally afraid to touch the babies and toddlers!! We had to ease everyone into celebrating and honoring the wonder of babies and children and the inherent innocence of these little ones. Once taught, they've been highly appropriate and incredibly careful about boundaries (even with their special needs).
We are well on our way to a much more normal life but it will forever be changed by one horrible monster. Twelve years were ripped away from us. Twelve years which should have been normal and full and wonderful but were instead focused on a monster and his crimes.
It is my humble opinion that Jaycee and her girls have a long road ahead of them. We will probably never know all the sordid details on their lives (nor should we) but we can surmise that they've been terribly traumatized. Years of joy and normalcy were stolen from them at the very least. However, with therapy, the unconditional love of friends and family, and their own inner strength, they can survive and triumph.
I do believe in miracles. I wish you could meet my kids.
