Let Travis speak for himself about how he felt, and IMO, his vulnerability not just to the , but to those closest to him who he believed to be his friends.
Paraphrased from his emails to Sky and Chris, end of January, 2007. (I’ll paraphrase their emails to Travis, if anyone would like to know why Travis went ahead and agreed to an “exclusive relationship” with the soon after these emails).
TRAVIS TO SKY: We have never had an argument. We have always gotten along and enjoyed each other’s company. I’ve never said anything in anger to her, ever. If I’ve been rude (referring to ’s manipulation about his *advertiser censored* joke, told to a roommate, not ), it’s because I said something I thought was funny, and maybe it wasn’t taken that way, but as you’ve told me, I’m rough around the edges. I’ve never heard her cry before this either.
Travis mentions being the one to introduce to the church. Says he would usually ask for clarity (about what happened), but “as you guys know they don’t get any more honest than ”. Says: I am not mean to her. I adore her. “In fact, it’s never been easier to be nicer to someone.” “I’ve gone from being intrigued by her to being interested in her to caring for her deeply to knowing I’d be lucky to have her in my life forever.” But I’ve only known her for 4 months. I haven’t asked her to wait, nor have I kept her waiting (reference to Deanna). I think our courtship has been normal.
“
“I am scrambling and worrying and getting so much external advice about how to fix myself I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.” I am aware of what I may lose or have already lost in a great person like . I realize how amazing she is. I know I have a fear of commitment. I’ve made reasonable progress. My selfish side wants her to wait around, but believe it or not I can put the feelings of someone I care about above my own. “I am trying, and it hasn’t been very long. "
(What you are telling and directly to me) makes me wonder who you think I should marry. You’ve told me so many times I need to get married but then you tell her I’m mean abusive and a jerk. Who should I marry then? Someone not as good as her. “So tell me, am I that bad a person, or am I just not good enough for the likes of ?” You’ve irreparably damaged our relationship.
“She’s paranoid this evil person you depicted will someday surface.” She told me she hasn’t seen what you’ve described, but they’re your best friends, why would they say this if not true?
“I am atoning for sins I have not yet committed.”
Three days ago she thought I was a great guy. Now she tells me “I’m someone with major character flaws.” That she just hasn’t experienced the severity of them yet. Guys, I am trying desperately to overcome my problems so I don’t lose something great again. You are kicking me when I’m down, costing me a chance. “It’s one thing if she decides I’m not the one based on who I am or what I’ve done, but this is ridiculous.”
Btw, why on earth would you encourage her to go out with a non-member who has already asked her to throw the church aside so they can have a relationship (referring to John Dixon). “Am I so bad a borderline anti-Mormon is better?” Against my own desires I’ve told her to date other good members so she could see the contrast between me and other Mormon guys, but not non-members. That isn’t OK.
The only thing I ask of you guys is that you apologize to her, so she’s not uncomfortable with you. It would crush her if she thought you no longer respect or like her. I won’t ask you to apologize to me. If you do respond, please address everything so nothing is left unresolved. I love you both so much, and care what you think about me though I usually don’t about what others think, that’s why this hurts. I know everything that went on was well intended. “I know being chided by the likes of me isn’t easy to take because I am the one usually being chided, but I ask you to respect what is being written not the writer.”
(After Sky has emailed, he adds--- I slept on what I wrote, reread it, edited it, made sure I didn’t say it in anger. Take it in the spirit it was meant. I love you both very much)..
TRAVIS TO CHRIS
She () has a major timid streak, and sometimes “her loving ways make her step on toes” rather than just coming directly to me to tell me what’s bothering her, so we can talk things over. I have told her kindly (emphasizes KINDLY again) that she can talk to me about any of her concerns.
I have been honest with her about Deanna. I have tried to work on her issues with me and she promised me she would be upfront and honest with me when she has any problems with me or if she feels a “victim of the T-Dogg.” That’s all I have for her right now, with “the desire to be more available.”
This is the farthest I’ve ever come, and I can’t make promises I’ll get further, but I am trying. If you want to recommend a good guy for her, go ahead. It would suck, but maybe it’s for the best. “If I am not ready to marry her then she deserves to find someone who will. I’m not the best catch in the world, but when I’m ready to be married, I will by then be a much better catch. Good or bad, that’s where I am. I’m not saying that’s good enough for her, it probably isn’t, but that’s where I am. “
I know you meant well. You are forgiven. My passion, ironically, comes from the same place as yours. It broke my heart to hear her crying after talking with you two. You guys made it easy for her to vent, and she did, "she didn’t expect to hear what she did, but took it silently, just like she does with me."
I wasn’t upset about loyalty issues, I was upset because “she is a person with feelings and a heart just like me” and because she is vulnerable and still is.”
Let me come clean about me. Deanna. I was with her for 7 years. 7 years of loving her and wanting it to work, but not being able to commit, and I have feel terrible that she wasted those 7 years because of me. She could have been married a 100 times over, and isn’t, because of me. Now, because of her age and because of how the Church is, her chance of marriage is so much less, and it is my fault, and I can hardly live with myself because of that. What if she has to live a life without love because of me, what if she has to marry a piece of crap. It is more than I can bare. What I have done to her is unpardonable. I have thought in the past few years I am her best shot, but I haven’t been able to get over my “block: about marrying her, and have only made things worse.
I have nearly destroyed the person I love the most, and I don’t know what to do. I still love her and in some ways always will, but will always hurt for her and always feel guilty. I don’t know what to do. When she calls I try to stay surface with her, which rips her to shreds, and it’s all I can do to stop myself from crying on the phone. I do this mostly for her, this acting like an acquaintance, because I don’t want to lead her on, and even though this hurts her and me too. This is what Sky means I think about being unavailable, and she is right.
Deanna made me happy, we had fun together, we knew each other so well it was like being married for years, I still loved her, I know we could have been happy together forever. I feel like I divorced her and did that for no big reason whatsoever. It was “unique and tortuous to dissolve things, but I am solely to blame.”
About . I have always liked on paper. “To be shallow, she looks good period, but we both know she is more than that. She is amazing. Whoever ends up with her, me or someone else, is going to win the wife lotto.” I’ve tried not to let myself get too attached because I respect her more than the others, but that hasn’t stopped her from getting attached to me. “I told her not to expect a lot from me, but she continued to pursue me,” and I have let my walls down a little, and I have been working on separating from Deanna which gives more space for , but not enough to keep her waiting.
I have encouraged her to go date other Church members so she can figure out the difference between loving the gospel I’ve brought into her life, and loving me. I’m genuinely not jealous about her dating other guys, but I do have a problem with (Dixon and someone else) because of their approach, their telling her to reject the Church. I would be jealous of a good Mormon boy, because he would have the potential to take her away from me, but I can’t have my cake and eat it too. And, I was as honest with her about that as you have been with me. The fact is I’m making real progress, and I have real feelings for her is scary and stressful, which is why the timing of you saying what you did and of her coming to me in tears felt so bad.
