YESorNO
The Queen (aka "mrsmuir") SWBB
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2013
- Messages
- 34,377
- Reaction score
- 68,991
"OLD" IS WHEN.....
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
--------------
What's important after 10 years
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good heavens! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"
----------------------------------------------
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip, so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face, and pointing out the window she said, "Don't sell that cow!"
--------------------------------------------------
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes....... That chicken was delicious."
-----------------------------------
A woman ready to retire was cautioned by all her friends to arrange direct deposit for her social security check. She was leary about it, but because so many people advised her, she decided to try it. The first three months, on the first, she went to the bank to be sure the money had been deposited. Each time unbeknownst to her she was observed.
On the fourth month when she came out of the bank a man accosted her and asked for her money. She told him she didn't have any. He told her he'd been watching her for three months, and knew she had money. Then he frisked her.
Finding nothing, he said, "but I watched you for four months. Aren't you cashing a check?" "No", she said, "but if you'll frisk me again I'll write you one".
-------------------------------------------------------
A Dog's Laugh
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took
it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from
recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and
rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the local chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under
your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion
for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm
using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
------------------------------------------------------------
My memory is gone, so I changed my password
to Incorrect. That way when I log in with the wrong password,
the computer will tell me Your password is incorrect.
----------------------------------------------
A man rubbed a bottle and a genie came out, OK the genie said whats your wish The man said I want all ladies to love me, and he turned into a bar of chocolate.
-----------------------------------------
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards
the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
-----------------------------------------------
Finding a house
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
----------------------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
--------------
What's important after 10 years
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good heavens! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"
----------------------------------------------
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip, so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face, and pointing out the window she said, "Don't sell that cow!"
--------------------------------------------------
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes....... That chicken was delicious."
-----------------------------------
A woman ready to retire was cautioned by all her friends to arrange direct deposit for her social security check. She was leary about it, but because so many people advised her, she decided to try it. The first three months, on the first, she went to the bank to be sure the money had been deposited. Each time unbeknownst to her she was observed.
On the fourth month when she came out of the bank a man accosted her and asked for her money. She told him she didn't have any. He told her he'd been watching her for three months, and knew she had money. Then he frisked her.
Finding nothing, he said, "but I watched you for four months. Aren't you cashing a check?" "No", she said, "but if you'll frisk me again I'll write you one".
-------------------------------------------------------
A Dog's Laugh
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took
it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from
recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and
rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the local chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under
your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion
for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm
using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
------------------------------------------------------------
My memory is gone, so I changed my password
to Incorrect. That way when I log in with the wrong password,
the computer will tell me Your password is incorrect.
----------------------------------------------
A man rubbed a bottle and a genie came out, OK the genie said whats your wish The man said I want all ladies to love me, and he turned into a bar of chocolate.
-----------------------------------------
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards
the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
-----------------------------------------------
Finding a house
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
----------------------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How can that be? I'll never forget my first taste of real butter, so sweet and creamy. Yum.