A Woman's Truth..You Guys Pay Attention
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the mans wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school,came home and picked up the dry cleaning,took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cats litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores werent finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I dont know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wifes being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back.
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. Youll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night. :facepalm:
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Brand New Hearing Aid
An Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the elderly man replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Gender Joke
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'
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Grandpa's Ipod
"Youre So Varicose Vein" by Carly Simon
"How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?" by the BeeGees
"I Cant See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash
"These Boots Give Me Arthritis" by Nancy Sinatra
"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" by the Commodores
"I Get By with a Little Help from Depends" by the Beatles
"Talking Bout My Medication" by the Who
"Bald Thing" by the Troggs
"You Cant Always Pee When You Want" by the Rolling Stones
"I Heard It through the Grape Nuts" by Marvin Gaye
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Motherly Words of Wisdom
Words of Motherly Wisdom
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.
Midnight is past your curfew!"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER
"After all that money your father and I spent
on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times
not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.
You still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER
"All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand
out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER
"Now, George, remember what I told you --
don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?
Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney,
but you're starting to look a little purple."
BATMAN'S MOTHER
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize
how much the insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from
the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get
off your tuffet and start cleaning your room,
there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair?
Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER
"The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER
"That's a nice story, but now tell me
where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and
we've decided you can have your own telephone line.
Now will you quit spending so much time
in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric
light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
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Getting married and divorced in heaven
A young couple in heaven wanted to get married. St Peter says "come back in one year." A year passes and they come back still wanting to get married. As before St Peter tells them to "come back in one year", This goes on for ten years until one day St Peter calls them in his office and tells them they can get married tomorrow.
After a couple of years they go to St Peter tell him it isn't working out they want a divorce. St Peter tells them "not now." They ask when. St Peter say "look it took ten years to get a preacher up here we have no idea when to expect a lawyer.
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Do You Believe in Ghosts?
This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana highway 57 just outside of Ducal, a little town In the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubin, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunder-storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would then drown! But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window, reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and Saul was alone again. Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's. Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody about his supernatural experience. The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Saul was telling the truth (and that he was not just some drunk).
About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says to the other, "Look, Boudreaux, der's dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain!"
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You Can't Please Everyone
An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.
As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.
Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.
Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.
The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story ?
If you try to please everyone, you may as well............
kiss your *advertiser censored** goodbye.
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Gentle Southern Woman
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who the he** is Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart. You just go ahead and jump, you dumb-*advertiser censored** Yankee.'
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Bank Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
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Six Minutes Late
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.
You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
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Couple at doctors office
An older couple show up at Dr's office and ask if they can use an examining room. The Dr needs to know what for. They say they want to make love. Dr says OK but I will need to charge Seventy dollars for an office call. Couple use room pay seventy dollars and make an appointment for next week. These session last about an hour.
After about four months they come in for their "appointment" and the Dr says I really need an explanation. Couple explains they are narried just not to each other and can't go to either of their homes. A motel cost One hundred dollars. Here they pay seventy dollars, turn the bill in to Medicare and get fiftyfive dollars back.
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