who ho did you sweet talk to get a real manual? Lucky you. I had to buy a book for dummies with mine.
Yes/No those dumb laws were much needed reading today. It has been a day from H-E-doubleL. Thanks for the giggles!
BBM :therethere:
Here- have some more funnies:
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Two old friends meet in heaven.
SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.
WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA:
I froze to death.
WANDA:
How horrible!
SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA:
So, what happened?
WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive.
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The Window
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean," she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
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Wife walks in the room and asks "whats on the television?".
Husband says "looks like dust!"
Doctor says the swelling will go down in a week.
---------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'
--------------------------------
Grandma & Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was
$10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The
hundred is from
Grandma!"
--------------------------
Only a Farm Kid
When you're from the country, your perception is a little different.
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to
himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or
I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your
brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges
$500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
---------------------------
Don't Laugh Nurse!!
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never
laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part
the nurse had ever seen.
It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she
could.
"I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady,
I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
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Martians
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent
Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money,
do they have golf courses, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience
one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the
woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked
along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears.'
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3 nickels
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son... He gives the
young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face...The father realizes the boy has
swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the
father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the
coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the
newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes
her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and
starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,
which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to
her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the
woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?""No" the
woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service"
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(maybe some a little risque for the afternoon??? :thinking