Middle Wife- show-and-tell
One day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn at show-wnd-tell and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'
(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. :takeabow:
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Firefighter
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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Abraham Lincoln
Father: "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school."
Son: "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President.
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Isn't there a cheaper way?
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
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The orange roughy
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman: "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."
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Marian, Marian!
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically: "Marian, Marian!"
Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her: "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother"
"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
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The biggest cavity
"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Good grief!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen... the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."
"I didn't!" said the dentist, "That was the echo."
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Painful screams
Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"
Patient: "Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game".
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Fun State Slogans
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!
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On the roof of the hotel
Trying to tan in the altogether may be the stuff of private dreams. But location is everything, according to Story Jokes.
An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs.
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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The jazz trio
A lady aboard a cruise ship was not impressed by the jazz trio in one of the shipboard restaurants.
When her waiter came around, she asked, "Will they play anything I ask?"
"Of course!" replied the waiter.
"Then tell them to go play chess!"
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Potato
A guy on the beach just can't seem to make it with any of the girls, so he goes over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"It's obvious dude," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing baggy old swim trunks that make you look like an old man, they're years outta style.
Go get yourself a pair of these spandex Speedos -- about two sizes too small -- and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
You'll have all the chicks you want!"
The following weekend, the guy hits the beach in his tight Speedos with the fist-sized potato and... for cryin' out loud! -- it's worse than before!
Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So the guy goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him: "What's wrong now?"
"Jeez!" says the lifeguard, "You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!"
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Are there any gators?
For his vacation on the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Noo," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
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Never Married
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
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