The Straggly Cat
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
With my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion..
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
Who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any
more.
We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
The silence was deafening.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
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Recent study
I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Curing a Cough
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner goes inside and asks his clerk whats up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldnt find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives wont cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. Hes afraid to cough."
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Save the secret formula
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact."
The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on the truck."
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Texting
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later
"Computer really screwed-up now."
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Ticket for Norwald
Man to Ticket Agent: I want to buy a plane ticket for Norwald... for a vacation, you know...!
Ticket Agent, searching book: "Norwald? Let me find that. Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see... Norwald. I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on the map. Just where is Norwald anyway?"
Man: Over there. He's my brother!
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You idiot!
Two guys were on lake fishing, using worms. One of the guys gets a nibble and reels in his line.
He caught a bottle. He uncorks the bottle and out come a genie.
He grants him one wish, so the guy thinks and thinks.
Finally he said: "I wish this whole lake were beer!" Poof!!! The lake turns to beer.
The other guy looks at him and said: "You idiot, now we have to pee in the boat!"
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Fishing trip
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend and the phone rings. She picks up the receiver, and her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice. "Really? That's wonderful... I am so happy for you... that sounds terrific... Great!... Thanks... Okay... Bye..."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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New Position?
Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure... You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
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Link:
http://www.lukaroski.com/cartoons/012_c.jpg
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Time for a commercial (we have to pay the bills you know :facepalm: )
[video=youtube;v9YiTIYO-2A]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9YiTIYO-2A[/video]
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One last thing: (the children are asleep now- yes? )
Link:
https://aqu52.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/unnamed-1.gif?w=466&h=229
:floorlaugh:
Thanks for sharing with us! (((((HUGS)))))
cguru:
