LostOldUserName
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Not flaming, I thought this would come up at some point & I just want to give you all the perspective of a kid who grew up in similar dynamics.
My dad worked long hours & had no clue what was going on in our house. Since we were toddlers (at least) we were manipulated into believing that he was "worse" than she was, that we should be thankful it was only her meting out the violent punishments & that we should also be grateful that she was "kind" enough to keep our "misbehaviour" secret from him so that he didn't get angry & punish us far worse.
We actively worked to hide the abuse from him because she had us convinced that he condoned it. He didn't.
I was an older teen before it began to dawn on me that my supposedly threatening & violent father had NEVER so much as raised a hand to me in anger much less whipped me with the leather belts he had hanging in his cupboard (I only knew about the belts because my mother would drag me into their room by the hair to threaten me & show me what I was in for if I didn't pull myself together & stop crying before he got home). The belief that he was "the bad one" had been so ingrained that realising it was all lies felt like the earth had just tipped off it's axis.
Despite that huge realisation though, the years of conditioning to keep secrets were impossible to overcome.
Sometimes she even claimed he had instructed her to punish us in particular ways if we did xy or z, so there was no point going crying to him - he'd told her to do it anyway. She had him playing a game of good cop/bad cop with us, but he alone had no idea the game existed. In doing so she placed herself in the position of the "nicer" parent while she simultaneously handed out all the violent punishments & daily psychological abuse.
He only found out what was going on when she completely lost it in front of him one day. I was 18 by then, but even decades after that I was never able to tell him the full extent of what would happen when he was at work, because that rule of silence was just so ingrained - it stopped me telling the school counsellors the truth too. Back then it was like I'd been rendered mute, but at the same time it felt like everyone should be able to tell just by looking at me - like every assault & insult was scrawled across my skin for all to read. & after so many years, the incidents all flowed into each other so I could barely formulate it all into recognisable thoughts for myself, much less express it verbally to others. On top of all that there's also the implanted belief that you're just a bad child who forces people to treat you harshly - so throw some guilt & shame into that mix for good measure. Shame is a great silencer.
Short version : My dad never had a clue because our abuser manipulated us so successfully that we actively & voluntarily worked to hide the truth from him & anyone else who might've helped us. By the time I was 7 or 8 we were so conditioned that we didn't even have to be told to lie & hide the truth, it was just an automatic reaction.
So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't assume that this dad knew but sat by & did nothing. It absolutely IS possible for one parent to be completely unaware the other is abusing their kids. As someone who's been through similar (albeit far milder) circumstances re abuse from a female parent & the inappropriate attentions of a teacher, I have nothing but respect & admiration for this dad & the way he's trying to help his daughter & her siblings through all of this. It sure as hell can't be easy
Thanks just wasn't enough! Being able to share your story now speaks to the strength you now have! When Kat was posting here this was the impression I got. Dad didn't know what was going on and perhaps the kids did help to hide the fact they were being abused. JMO
