TRANSCRIPTION OF INTERVIEW WITH NICOLA'S PARTNER, PAUL
10TH FEB.
Walker - Today is 2 weeks since Nikki went missing. This might be a stupid question to start with, but how are you doing? What's life been like for the last 2 weeks?
Paul - Hell. I am still here, obviously. My main focus is the children, always has been, so that's my focus that gets me through. But, I think, when you're going through something like this you can't put it into words, I can't say how I'm doing, I can't really explain it because it's not your average everyday thing. Nobody knows really anybody who's ever gone through anything like this, who knows anybody who knows anybody. So, it's just an impossible situation for everybody involved.
Walker - I think that's the thing, because it's hard to imagine what you're going through. Can you even put it into words for us, the sort of emotions that you're feeling at the moment?
Paul - Anger, utter frustration, confusion, disbelief, surrealism. Nothing feels real.
Walker - I was going to ask you that. Feels like you're living someone else's life? How's it feel?
Paul - It just doesn't feel real. Have you ever seen the Truman Show? Well, I feel like I'm in the Truman Show. Like, I honestly believe that I'm going to wake up at any moment. Yeah, just... I was just talking to L before, you know, Nikki's sister and we both just say the same thing everyday, just, 'how are we even in this'? you know, we're good people. We are good people. We try to live the best life that we can, do the right thing by everybody. We appreciate the small things, you know what I mean? Just this is the kind of thing that you see on the telly in dramas and stuff like that.
Walker - You said your main priority was the girls. Can I ask you how they are doing? because, you're missing the woman that you love but they're missing their mum and the questions they must be asking you are heart breaking at the moment.
Paul - Yeah it's impossible. Anyone, any parent knows that all you want to do is make everything better for your children, isn't it? Whenever they're worried or they're scared or anything like that, you just... you want to make it better for them and I can't. I can't do that. So all I can do is be as strong as I can so that they don't see the level of, like, worry on my face. Reassure them as much as I can with what we know, which isn't much. And I try and distract them so that their minds not focused on it. I find that's the best way of doing it.
Walker - They need hope.
Paul - Yeah.
Walker - And you've got to hold on to that as tightly as you can. Every time they ask you where mummy is, how does anybody even convey that to.. when you're going through it as well?
Paul - Again, it's just an impossible situation. The only thing that I can do is tell them that everybody is looking for mummy. The best people in the world are looking for mummy. Just to give them that, you know, that level of hope that they can understand that everything that can be done to find mummy is being done.
Walker - I think for the vast majority of people watching on, Nikki is a face on a poster at the moment? Tell us a bit about her, you know, what's she like?
Paul - She is fun. She is loving. She is... if you're friends with she is the most loyal friend that you could ever have. With Nikki, what you see is what you get, there's no hidden.. nothing's hidden. That's her and she is an exceptional mum and she absolutely adores our girls. Goes above and beyond. I was saying to Emma the other day, I don't think that she's been away from them for more than like, one or two nights, since we've had our eldest. She yeah, she's a pillar of strength to our family and without her the hole is bigger than you could possibly imagine
Walker - Can I ask you to take us back to 2 weeks today, that morning of Friday, 27th. January - Was it a normal morning, like any other?
Paul - Totally normal. Say, the only difference that morning was, you know, usually, you know, when you've got children, getting up on a school day, I mean, you probably know yourself, it's just mayhem isn't it?
Walker - Carnage yeah.
Paul - Yeah, absolute carnage. So the only difference on that morning, 2 weeks ago, was that there wasn't a lot of rushing. I came down and a lot of stuff was already done. It was... the girls we're having their breakfast and everything was pretty much ready to go. I came down and Nikki went upstairs to get ready. And then, the routine is basically, if Nikki's taking the girls and Willow, when I hear her come down I'll get them in the car, get them strapped in, get Willow in the boot and all that and Nikki comes out, give her the keys and off they go.
Walker - So it's a well oiled machine normally? And sometimes you walk the dog and take the kids to school and on that morning it was Nikki's job?
Paul - Yeah, then if it's my job usually the roles are reversed, yeah. So yeah, again, it was just nothing out of the ordinary. Everything was normal, because my working hours... because I work for a US firm so my hours are like 6 hours behind UK time. So I don't usually start work till a bit later in the morning. So when Nikki takes the girls to school I then know that I've got like an hour to myself on that morning when she takes them. So I always quite look forward to that, you know, cause I wave them off and then I go in the house and I put the kettle on, make a cup of tea and I think 'right I've got an hour'
Walker - Yeah, a bit of peace. So at what point are you thinking something's not right here? When did it feel - 'where's Nikki?' At what point did that kick in?
Paul - So she's usually back like quarter to 10 average, 10 o'clock at a push. So I'd gone up into the office at 10 thinking that she'd be back in a minute, so I logged on, I was just going through some e-mails and stuff, setting my day up and it got to, say, quarter past 10 and that's when I thought, she's later than usual, but I still wasn't like particularly worried because she has come back at quarter past, 20 past 10 sometimes. Like, she might just get talking to Emma or...
Walker - Friend on the dog walk?
Paul - Yeah, yeah, or anybody. So, it's not often but she has got back at about quarter past 10, 20 past 10. So, again, I wasn't like massively concerned or anything. Then it got to half-past 10 and that's when I thought, she's quite late now, more late than usual. So I tried ringing her phone and there was no answer. I tried ringing her on WhatsApp and, again, there was no answer. I tried the mobile again and no answer, so I couldn't get her and I started to get a bit panicky I think. So that's when I thought, right, I'm going to have to go down there and see if she's alright, you know, see if I can see the car or, see what's going on, but I still expected that I'd just get there and just 'Oh there she is'. So, I go to the gym on a Friday, Friday lunchtime. So I quickly got my gym stuff on because I just thought, basically I'm going to go out, find her, come home, do a bit of work.
Walker - Carry on?
Paul - Yeah, lunchtime, go to the gym. We're (or were?? were is typical of Yorkshire accent, not Lancashire), going to leave, and then the phone rang and it was the school, and it was the receptionist at school and she said 'Mr. Ansell, it's a bit of a weird one, but we've found Willow and Nikki's phone on the bench and the harness halfway down the embankment on the floor.
Walker - You're already worried at this point?
Paul - Yeah, because I'm just about to leave, so I've got my gym stuff on, I'm about to leave thinking I'm going to see her, you know, pass her and get there and find her. Then I get that call and in an instant it's like your whole.... because... I knew straight away that it wasn't normal, you know what I mean?, like, because, like I said, 'well where is she?' and they can't find her. So, I also know that she would never, in a million years, leave Willow. Willow is like our third child, so I know that she'd never... like the fact that Willow was just in a field on her own, off the lead, obviously, extremely concerning. So, obviously, I'm just in a mad panic then, because it's.... I got hit by that weird - It's like your world just drops out because you know something weird has happened. So I got in the car, drove down there, ran down the river to where the bench is. Somebody had Willow and obviously there was a few other dog walkers there and stuff like that. Handed me Willow, handed me Nikki's phone. I still expected, obviously, to just have a look around and 'there she is, or there she is', So we're all looking. I'm like walking off into the field that way like, looking around the corners, looking over the hedge, looking over the stile and...
Walker - Nothing?
Paul - Nothing, nothing. I'd rung 999 on the way because I obviously knew something was wrong so the police rang me then while I was at the bench and said 'look you've got to get home because the police are going to be coming to your house, we need somebody at your house. You get home the police are on their way there. So I've rung the police at like.. about 10:50 and they were there, they got there at 25 past. So they were there really, really quick. So I then, I'd gone home then, taken Willow back. Police officer had come to the house and although I was like, obviously, extremely worried and concerned, I still expected, at any second, she'd just go 'Oh we've found her, we've found her here' or whatever and yeah, I mean, that never happened the day just spiralled and end of the day came and no answers. Here we are 2 weeks later.
Walker - What do you think might have happened?
Paul - We've always tried to keep all options open because we don't want to shut down any avenue. We've always been very careful that we don't want to say 'we think it's that' and push that when it might not be. The most obvious thing, of course, has always been the river. It's always been my gut instinct and her sister's and family that that isn't the case. Extensive searching, as you're probably well aware has gone on in that river. I mean, they were in there... I have to categorically say, I cannot fault the police in any of this. They have been incredible and the relationship that we have working on this, is still very, very strong, it's very good. So this isn't any criticism of them at all, I just want to make that clear, but the fact that they were in.. the divers and underwater rescue team and all that were in that river on the day and, thankfully, found absolutely nothing in the part where you would, I guess, have to presume, is her last known location. If you take all those things into account, at the unlikeliness of it, you would have to sort of say that, really, that the river isn't what happened. And so we always felt that the mobile phone and the harness and everything, it could possibly be a decoy. Again, we don't have evidence...
Walker - No but these are things that you, naturally, would think about because the team's call was still active at the time, wasn't it? and Willow's harness is on the floor. Now I'm sure these are things that, constantly, you're thinking about?
Paul - Yeah, yeah of course it is, course it is, I mean like, the only thing we're bothered about is finding her, nothing else matters, that's the only thing that we're bothered about, is just finding her, so of course you're going to be thinking these things and so, the more searching of the river that went on, the more confident we were that it wasn't the river, you know, especially things like, again, you know, it's not nice talking about it, but, at the same time, we've taken hope from it, the fact that no item of clothing or anything has been found anywhere where you would've thought, something would have...
Walker - Something might have been found, yeah.
Paul - Yeah, yeah and absolutely nothing. So, for me personally and, again, this is just my opinion, I'm, personally, I'm 100% convinced it's not the river, that's my opinion.
Walker - And I suppose the question after that is - What then? and the difficulty is are you allowing your mind to think where she might be, what's happened to her, which is horrible as well, I imagine?
Paul - Yeah, it's horrendous because... people don't just vanish into thin air. It's absolutely impossible. So something has happened. Something has happened. Find out what it is. Find out what it is. There has to be a way to find out what happened. There has to be. You cannot, you cannot walk your dog down a river and just vanish into thin air. Something happened that day, something. Find out what it is and my plea now is, personally, I want every house, every garage, every outbuilding, the land, scrutinised. I want it all searched. I want it all scrutinised. Every piece of it. I'm not going to... you're not going to appease me with anything else, that is what I want to happen because for something to have happened there... you would only know that area by local pe... it's a local area. We've walked down there for years, and I mean, years. You see the same faces every single day and on the very odd occasion when you see somebody that you don't know, they stand out like a sore thumb.
Walker - And I think that's an important point to make because there might be some people watching this, thinking 'why are you doing this?' Why are you talking to us? and the reason you're doing that, I don't want to put words in your mouth, is because you feel that somebody out there knows something? That's the appeal that you're trying to make?
Paul - Yeah, definitely, definitely and I'm just pleading with them. Just please, anything, anything, no matter how tiny, just please, just come forward with it please, because that could be the key to finding her and as a family we're not bothered about anything else. Like there's nothing else. The only thing is we just have to find her.
Walker - You've told us a bit about who Nikki is. Was she ever the sort of person who might go away for a night or leave for a few days, you know what I mean?
Paul - That's about as far out of character you could get, I truly mean that. Even as a couple, on the odd occasion if we ever do have a night away from the girls... because the girls are our world. We go out for meals, the girls come with us.
Walker - You're a family.
Paul - Yeah, everything that we do is.. the girls are in it, they're involved in it and that feels right. We love it, we love our little family. We love our world.
Walker - And your gorgeous dog Willow's been spending a bit of time with us, as well, and it's also that thing - Willow may well have seen what happened to Nikki.
Paul - I know, I know and that's another layer of frustration and hell to it. It's a hellish situation with the layer of hell that not knowing what's happened, yet, and then also having Willow who probably does know what happened, but she can't tell is, can she? She's a very sensitive dog. I did take her back there first thing on the Saturday.
Walker - The next day?
Paul - The next day, yeah I took her back there first thing.
Walker - How did she react to that then?
Paul - Well obviously I was praying and hoping that once we got to the gate that she would do something different.
Walker - Take you somewhere?
Paul - Yeah, yeah, just give some sign of some kind, but she.. bless her, she just went through the gate like any other normal day and ran into the field and looked at me excited that she was there for a walk. I was saying to her 'where's mummy, where's mummy'. She was just looking at me like, you know, 'let's go for a walk'.
Walker - There's been a lot of publicity around Nikki's disappearance hasn't there? and I suppose you are one of those stories that is very much talked about on social media at the moment. I don't know whether you've read the stories and accusations, all the theories that are out there. Does that upset you or are you happy that people are talking about and trying to find a solution?
Paul - it would be upsetting, of course, if I let myself read it all. Don't get me wrong, I have seen some stuff. Most people have been amazing, you're always going to get that 2% of people that, for whatever reason, say and do not very nice things but I don't want to give any energy to that. My energy is just finding Nikki. I read one that said 'the police need to look at the partner' and I'm sort of like, well yeah, that's the first thing that they do, like, of course it is. I knew that that would happen on the first day.
Walker - You expect that don't you?
Paul - I expected that, I said to them 'do it' and get that out of the way and then focus on finding her and focus on the rest of it, so that's exactly what we did. That was done, ruled out, obviously, and then move on. So, whatever people want to say, if that's what they want to think that's their business, it's not mine.
Walker - But I know you've also been struck by the amazing response, locally and just being here for today, everybody's talking about it, everyone's asking how you are and the local community, whether they're standing out on the street corner or putting posters up or just asking questions, they are doing an amazing job.
Paul - Yeah. It's absolutely incredible. It's heart warming. It's given us an immense amount of strength and it's kept that hope so high that we can't thank them enough.
Walker - How are you keeping it.. is that the kids? Is that your natural positivity?
Paul - It's all of those things, of course it's the children, of course, but I am naturally a positive person and I believe that you get out of life what you put into life and that's how we are as a family and so, what we're going through now is unprecedented hell but that hope and that positivity in me is stronger than ever and I'm never ever going to let go. Nikki would never give up on us, ever, she wouldn't give up on anybody and we're not going to ever give up on her. We're going to find her.
Walker - We were talking earlier and you were saying that one of the plans you had was to get married during the pandemic, but, like many people, you had to abandon those plans. Is that something that you think... when she's back 'this is what we're doing?'
Paul - Yeah, I'm far too laid back sometimes for my own good, but also my attitude is 'Ahh, you know, we'll get round to it, it'll be fine' and so we have obviously spoken about marriage many times before and then we had the children. When your children are obviously little, it's all time consuming and then I'll say 'they're growing up' we always said whenever they're a bit older it'd be a nice time to do it and they could be a part of it, they can be the bridesmaids and everything so that was always, always the plan. And so, it's just now, it's now. It's something.. we would obviously have spoken about it and moved forward with it again, but.. and still will.
Walker - There is a chance isn't there, that somehow she might be out there even watching this? If you could say something to her what would you say to Nikki now?
Paul - Just how much I love her. How much us as a family love her and need her, how well thought of, how much her friend's love her and need her back and we're never going to be the same until she is back. Just come home.
Walker - Are you going to be okay?
Paul - I will, as long as she comes home, but yeah, I have to be okay for the children but obviously the hope inside me that she's going to come home, I can't let myself think of anything else. It isn't an option in my head. We deserve a happy ending to all of this. You can't have this level of support, this level of love and compassion and hope and prayers without getting the reward from that. In my mind that is impossible. When you think of all the hope and everything that is going out there it has to come back and that has to bring her home.
Walker - I really appreciate you talking to us. I know it's impossibly difficult, you've described your life at the minute as a living hell. I hope what you said makes a difference as well and I think everybody watching this will join me in saying that we all hope that Nikki comes home and that she is safe and well and you can be back together. Thank you.
Paul - Thank you.
(never heard of it here in Canada!)Kind of a cool sounding word.
