A Lesson To Learn

[SeriouslySearching]

I wish Stacy had written down what happened the night Kathleen had died, and had given that letter to someone to be opened in case something happened to her. Perhaps if she had done that, and when she told DP she wanted a divorce and that the letter existed in safe hands, and that if anything happened to her the letter would be made public, she would have survived.

The key point of that statement is obvious and a valid one. As much as we are learning about DP, blackmailing him in return for her life would have been worth it (or would it have been extortion?).

I do think Stacy had a Journal where she kept many details of her life. I either think it has not been found or that DP did destroy it as intimated by Ric Mims. If only LE had been smart enough to take his trash and piece together anything that was shredded in that house after she disappeared...

 

[Elphaba]

Good post, closeobserver... you put in print what quite a few of us have been thinking.

 

[thesleuther]

In Stacy's case, she was very young and undoubtedly naive, so when the murder happened, she was hardly prepared to deal with it. A teenager from a troubled home just isn't going to have the ethical background that someone older and more stable might have. She knew right from wrong, obviously, but she also trusted Drew and I doubt he told her all the particulars.

And how could she be sure the FBI would believe her story, and not Drew's? He was a 30-year police officer, while she was just a young girl. And as it turned out, Drew got away with Kathleen's murder, even though her body was bruised and she "drowned" in an empty bathtub. :doh: So Stacy might have rationalized that if the police in that town were going to let Drew get away with it, there was no one else to turn to. So I think she tried to get what happiness she could, even though the burden of Kathleen's death hung over them.

I'm not saying that is "right" or "good," but people can become mixed up in things and over their heads before they know what is happening. Drew held all the cards because he was a powerful local cop who knew everyone, and it kept paying off for him. They swept Kathleen's death away as an "accident," and Stacy suppressed the whole thing until she realized her own life was in danger, and then she tried to reach out, but it was nearly too late.

If women really could learn from such stories, we wouldn't read about this happening over and over again. Oprah has been showing women the way out for years, but people are ruled more by fear than logic. It takes a strong person to walk away from an abusive relationship, but Stacy might not have had that sort of strength. Clearly, she paid the ultimate price for waiting so long.

Stacy wasn't an "innocent" victim, and she was trying her best to escape the evil in her life. Drew was watching her every move, and she probably feared for her children, so I think they became her top priority. He might have threatened to do something to them, for all we know. She probably knew other things about Drew that might help this investigation - sadly, that is why he killed her.

Well said; nothing further needed.

 

[biggirl]

`This is an excellent thread! I did not know that Oprah has worked on informing victims of abuse about their options, I am not surprised.

I love being in a Drs office or public womens room and seeing brochures or posters that inform women of options and numbers for agencies for victims of domestic violence to use.

Bravo to all of you for your insightful and helpful posts.:clap:

 

[Littledeer]

I've been fortunate that I am not in an abusive relationship. However, I grew up in an abusive home with my Dad beating up my mother, brother and I.

]Luckily for me, we all survived and this is the weird part. My Mom and Dad will be married 55 years this coming May. The abuse from Dad has stopped and to this day he denies it ever happened. He honestly doesn't remember, some kind of subconscious black out??

Anyways, these are GREAT POSTS HERE!!!

 

[Tom'sGirl]

I've been fortunate that I am not in an abusive relationship. However, I grew up in an abusive home with my Dad beating up my mother, brother and I.

]Luckily for me, we all survived and this is the weird part. My Mom and Dad will be married 55 years this coming May. The abuse from Dad has stopped and to this day he denies it ever happened.

He honestly doesn't remember, some kind of subconscious black out??

I know many like that, but I call it "Selective Recall" and seems common with those who deny any wrong doings. My mother is the same way, and has been since she was young.

 

[SeriouslySearching]

I call it denial. They seemingly don't "remember" because over the years they put it so far removed from their minds due to guilt...they end up believing themselves it never took place. This happens to victims, too.

 

[Littledeer]

I tend to believe the same scenario SS. He is now 76 years old, and even I, on occasion, forget it when I am around him today. I don't mean forget it, guess I mean I have forgiven him.

It took me a long time to realize it was the alcohol, (I'm sure some people beleive that is an excuse), but that is when the abuse was at it's worst.

I still carry around the little girl, at Christmas time who's Mom had left because Dad had beaten her up and she just up and left. Wow..............
memories rushing back.

I just wish I could build a "big safe house" and any and all victims of abuse would be able to come there and feel safe until they can get themselves back on their feet and feel secure. If not for themselves, at least for the kids.

 

[SeriouslySearching]

The good news is that they have those "safe houses" now! Domestic Violence Intervention Services will take in the women and children to keep them in an unknown location until they get on their feet. They help them file charges and OOPs, file for divorces, and help them thru counseling to a better lfie. : )

 

[itsreenw]

A few yrs ago, I wrote an article for the newspaper at my place of employment. I will post it here in case there is anyone reading that is in an abusive relationship. I wrote it in 2004. It took me 3 years to finally leave my situation. It wasn't easy to leave, but it was necessary.

(I don't know why the font is so large. I tried to decrease the size but it's still big in some parts??) Here's what I wrote:



BEUFE-HELPING YOU HELP YOURSELF OUTSIDE THE WORKPLACE

DOMESTIC ABUSE… A HOUSEHOLD EPIDEMIC
LET’S TALK CANDIDLY FOR A MOMENT. ACCORDING TO STATISTICS, EITHER YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC ABUSE.
.UNFORTUNATELY, OUR SOCIETY HAS BECOME ACCUSTOMED TO THE “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL” MIND-SET IN REGARDS TO ANYTHING THAT IS CONSIDERED TOO DELICATE OR DISTURBING TO CONFRONT.
THIS ARTICLE IS TO ENCOURAGE VICTIMS TO SEEK HELP AND TO URGE THOSE WHO SUSPECT THAT A LOVED ONE IS BEING ABUSED TO BE PROACTIVE IN THE VICTIM’S ROAD TO FREEDOM.

DON’T ASK-DON’T TELL!!
MANY VICTIMS SUFFER IN SILENCE BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO SCARED OR EMBARRASSED TO CONFIDE IN ANYONE.
FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES OF A SUSPECTED VICTIM ARE HESITANT TO VOICE THEIR SUSPICIONS BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO SEEM INTRUSIVE. WITHOUT A SUPPORT SYSTEM, THE VICTIM BECOMES MORE WITHDRAWN WITH EACH ABUSIVE INCIDENT UNTIL HE/SHE IS TOTALLY UNDER THE CONTROL OF THE ABUSER.

IF YOU SUSPECT SOMEONE IS BEING ABUSED-DO ASK!! IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED-DO TELL!!

BUT HE DOESN’T HIT ME!
WHILE PHYSICAL ABUSE IS THE MOST COMMONLY KNOWN FORM,. THESE ARE EXAMPLES OF OTHER TYPES OF DOMESTIC ABUSE:

VERBAL ABUSE:
BEING BELITTLED, CALLED DEROGATORY NAMES, I.E. “SLOB”, “FAT COW”, “LAZY”, ETC…

ECONOMICAL ABUSE:
ONE PERSON CONTROLLING ALL THE FINANCES, BEING ALLOTTED AN ALLOWANCE ACCORDING TO YOUR BEHAVIOR, BEING MADE TO FEEL INFERIOR DUE TO LESSER OR NO INCOME

SEXUAL ABUSE:
BEING FORCED TO PERFORM SEXUAL ACTS WITH YOUR PARTNER AND/OR OTHER PEOPLE AT YOUR PARTNERS REQUEST. NO MEANS NO-EVEN IF IT IS YOUR SPOUSE!!

EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
BEING TORMENTED BY ABUSER, HAVING MORE BAD DAYS THAN GOOD DAYS, CRYING FREQUENTLY BECAUSE OF PROBLEMS IN THE RELATIONSHIP


YOU MUST LIKE IT OR YOU’D LEAVE!
PEOPLE THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN ABUSED ASSUME IT IS EASY TO LEAVE AN ABUSER.
BELOW ARE SOME REASONS A PERSON STAYS IN A VOLATILE RELATIONSHIP:

ABUSER IS EXTREMELY VIOLENT AND UNPREDICTABLE-OFTEN TIMES WILL THREATEN THE VICTIM’S AND FAMILY MEMBER’S LIVES IF THEY LEAVE.

TOO AFRAID BECAUSE THE ABUSER HAS ISOLATED THEM FROM LOVED ONES AND THE VICTIM FEELS THEY HAVE NO ‘SUPPORT SYSTEM’

VICTIM STILL LOVES THE ABUSER BECAUSE THEY DO HAVE SOME HAPPINESS
(HE/SHE “IS NOT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME”)

VICTIM BELIEVES THE ABUSE WILL STOP IF ABUSER GETS HELP

VICTIM HAS LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND BELIEVES AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP IS BETTER THAN NONE AT ALL

THE CHILDREN NEED BOTH PARENTS

VICTIM IS FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT ON ABUSER

AFRAID TO INVOLVE POLICE-DOESN’T WANT ABUSER TO GO TO JAIL

THERE IS A WAY OUT!!
YOU MAY NOT BE READY TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY AND THERE IS NO SHAME IN THAT.
IT’S NOT EASY TO LEAVE SOMEONE YOU LOVE. ABUSERS ARE OFTEN VERY CHARMING INITIALLY. THE VICTIM TENDS TO HOLD ON TO THE BELIEF THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE AS HAPPY AS IT ONCE WAS. IT WON’T!!!
YOU WILL REALIZE THAT IN TIME.

EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT SO I WON’T GIVE ADVICE ON HOW TO LEAVE.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.. TALK TO SOMEONE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE- A FRIEND, FAMILY MEMBER CONTACT EAP OR THE 24 HOUR CRISIS HOTLINE IN YOUR COUNTY.. THERE ARE RESOURCES TO HELP WITH SHELTER AND FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE. THERE ARE ALSO COUNSELORS AVAILABLE TO ANSWER QUESTIONS AND ADVISE YOU OF THE BEST WAY TO ESCAPE YOUR ABUSER. NEVER TELL YOUR ABUSER YOU ARE PLANNING TO LEAVE!

DO YOU SUSPECT A LOVED ONE IS BEING ABUSED?
IF YOU SUSPECT A LOVED ONE IS BEING ABUSED AND WANT TO HELP, FIND A WAY TO SPEAK WITH THEM ALONE AND BE SUBTLE WITH YOUR APPROACH.

EXPLAIN WHY YOU BELIEVE THEY ARE BEING ABUSED (CHANGE IN PERSONALITY, APPEARANCE, WORK HABITS, VISIBLE INJURIES, ETC..)

LISTEN WITHOUT INTERRUPTING-THE VICTIM WILL BE RELIEVED TO HAVE AN OUTLET

REFRAIN FROM TELLING THEM WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THEIR SITUATION (“IF A MAN EVER HIT ME, I’D…”)

OBTAIN A LIST OF PHONE NUMBERS TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RESOURCES AND GIVE THEM TO THE VICTIM. DO NOT MAKE THE VICTIM FEEL BAD IF THEY DON’T HAVE THE COURAGE TO CALL IMMEDIATELY.

NEVER CONFRONT THE ABUSER DIRECTLY. IT COULD ENRAGE THE ABUSER AND PUT THE VICTIM OR YOURSELF IN DANGER.

 

[mysteriew]

Itsreenw, that is a great article. You have covered it very well.

 

[DeltaDawn]

Great advice itsreenw !