oh my-powerful action, OLG. I know that there is suffering that comes with bi-polar as well as other mental illnesses...a lot from misunderstanding and the desire to shun things that cannot be "fixed," IMO.
BUT-I subscribe to the "Equus" theory so to speak-A world of cookie cutter psyches and intellect would be boring at the minimum, and would most likely cause us to be extinct. The reason I feel this way is that I have seen some incredible genius in moments of mania-some of the most brilliant and talented people I know have been diagnosed with schizophrenia and bi-polar/manic depression. i can say the same for Aspbergers and lots of other "versions" of autism. What may seem to be a defect in behavior may ultimately end up some day being a more evolved brain...who can say for sure at this point?
I struggle with the concept of medicating all of it away....I hope I haven't offended anyone.
Great post! It would be lovely if we could pick and choose which "ism's" we'd like to keep and which we'd like medicated away. I'm not offended- you make some very good points!
My suffering didn't come from misunderstanding, I researched the hell out of Bipolar and asked my diagnosing doc millions of questions. I never shunned my illness, in fact once finally diagnosed I welcomed my DX of Bipolar disorder with open arms. Finally,
finally there was a reason- and treatment, which meant hope! There was hope for me..
that I embraced!
My illness had progressed to a point where even my mania's had become unproductive which is often the case as a manic episode unfolds. My mania's were mixed & rapid and angry and I had episodes of psychosis. I had times where I was unable to care for my child. There were also times I couldn't drive because I was plauged by thoughts of driving into telephone poles and trees- it sometimes took all I had inside of me
not to.
I was in and out of Psychiatric wards, sometimes I'd sign myself in because I needed to be in a safe place (safe from myself). However, more often than not, I was forced against my will because either my meds stopped working or because of suicide attempts or Psychotic episodes. I gave myself Liver damage and put myself in a Coma.
In the years prior to proper treatment I hurt more people then I care to go into here. I was manipulative and selfish, I was a petty criminal, a cheater, a liar, a drug addict and a thief. I was a bad influence on my child and I was a sh!tty wife.
My whole life I thought all of these things (and the other stupid stuff I did) defined who I was... that they were character flaws. I could never understand the things I did, why I did them. I never made sense to myself and I
despised me for that. In turn, I never believed anyone who said they loved me.. how could they?!
I have been in treatment and on the right cocktail of Psychiatric medications as well as clean from pills for almost 6 years. It has been 6 years since I have been arrested (a record for me LOL) and I have been off of probation for 2 years. It has been 1 year this month since I finally earned back my drivers license which had been suspended since 2000. I just bought a car that
I make the payments on, without financial help from my husband.
These seem like no big deal to a "normal" person but for me they are as close to a miracle as I have ever been. I wake up in the morning and am thankful! I never knew that feeling until I was 30 years old, had never known what it felt like to
want to live!
I do understand where you are coming from though, as many of societies gifted scientists, artists, writers and religious leaders have suffered from Bipolar and have gotten well, causing society as a whole to benefit
because of their suffering.
The day my son came to me and told me he was having thoughts of suicide was the most difficult day of my life because my worst fear was coming true. My child didn't have monsters hiding under his bed like most children, he had monsters in his head and I knew this was just the beginning.
I wouldn't wish my "past" life on an enemy let alone my child. Evolved brain or not, I wouldn't bring a child into the world knowing the suffering it would have to endure. Any child that I give birth to has a 50% chance of ending up with Bipolar disorder. I think all of this has to be balanced together considering at least one in five Bipolar sufferers attempt suicide.
Your post made me think of this quote from the book "An Unquiet Mind"
"I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness. If lithium were not available to me, or didn't work for me, the answer would be a simple no... and it would be an answer laced with terror. But lithium does work for me, and therefore I can afford to pose the question. Strangely enough, I think I would choose to have it. It's complicated... I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters... Depressed, I have crawled on my hands and knees in order to get across a room and have done it for month after month. But normal or manic I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know."
-- Kay Redfield Jamison