What you said not only sent chills up my spine as well as brought back a LOT of bad memories...and this is 30 years now since this occurred.
Back story...within one year and a half I divorced, my beloved dad died; who had been seriously ill the last 5 years of his life who was basically my world, and I was stressed out working 3 pt jobs in order to go to school. It wass the lowest and most stressful time of my life. Several months after dad died I met a tall, strong, very handsome man who was well educated and a real "knight in shining armor". In fact, from the very beginning he referred to me as "his princess" to everyone he spoke to about me. From being at such a low ebb in my life I actually believed he was heaven sent from my dad to watch over me and love me. Funny how people do this after losing a very close loved one as I have heard the same from others who lost a beloved parent or grandparent they were extremely close to. During our first year or so together I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. My friends were all jealous of me and were always teasing me how they were going to "steal him away" from me. He treated me better then I had ever been treated before. Mind you when we first met I had told him all about my dad and our close relationship and how I felt this enormous void since he passed. So he already knew I was vulnerable. He empathized with me, brought me flowers every week, was incredibly nice to my mom and rest of my family. We never had an argument or cross words. It was too good to be true.
Call it the skeptic in me or gut feeling but when he proposed to me after a year and 3 months something told me not to accept. My friends thought I was crazy and I should snatch him up before someone else took him away. Something just wasn't right and I brushed it off by thinking I am recently divorced and it was not amicable and honeslty I was not in a rush to remarry. I was only 24 and had told myself I would not get married again until I was as certain as I could be that we were compatible and had the same vision for our future which is what went wrong in my marriage. Two people that just did not have the same vision or even views on life. Something that should have been discussed BEFORE marriage but I was only 18 and stupid. Anyway, wasn't ready to remarry. He seemed upset and wanted to know if I was unhappy with him. I did my best to assure him that it was me and I just wasn't ready. He pouted about it for a couple weeks always bring it up as if I would all of a sudden change my mind. I didn't.
So one day a friend came into town that I had not seen in a long time. We were very close friends in school and she asked me to meet her for a few drinks to catch up. We had already made plans to go out with a large group of friends so I asked him if he would mind if I skipped out and met my friend instead. He never met her but knew of her and how close we were. He said he didn't mind at all so I agreed to met my friend. The guy and I agreed we would meet up at his house afterwards.
I arrived back at his place about 2:00 am to find him in his room I THOUGHT sleeping. I quietly put on my pj's and went to bed. I almost had a heart attack because he started talking to me when I thought he had been sleeping. He made some comment like oh you are sneaking in so I won't hear you huh. I laughed thinking he was kidding and said yeah, damn you found me out or something along those lines. Within a second he pounced on me and held me down and started yelling at me. I was in total shock but being the person I was I told him to get off my right now. He flew into this incredible rage and literally tossed me across the room. He was 6" 6 and weighed 225. He was in great shape. I was 5" 7' and weighed about about 115. I just stood there starting at him. I could not believe this was the guy I had fallen so in love with. I just shook my head and told him he was nuts and I headed for the door. He just came right after me again shaking me. It went on like this for quite some time I could not break away from him. All the while this incredible anger and horrible words just flooded out of his mouth. He never once hit me but he held various parts of my body soooooooo hard that the next day I had bruises all over me. I looked HORRIBLE. I did get away and went home and I was FURIOUS.
I was so upset the next day I could not wait to get out of work to see him and give him a piece of my mind. STUPID because I had already decided it was OVER. I go to his house and he is sitting with his brother crying his eyes out. I walk in and ask if his brother could leave a moment so I could say some words and I would be leaving shortly. He does and I laid right into the guy telling him I don't know who the hell he thought he was, that NO ONE treats me like this and gets away with it blah blah blah. He is now hysterically crying. I turn around and leave to go home. Didn't see or talk to him for over a month. He shows up with flowers and weasel's his way in. I sat there and listened to his bs for awhile and he left. He always found reasons to be where I was and every time I saw him he was so sweet butter would melt in his mouth. I gave in and went back to him....I stayed with him until the day I came to see it was going to be he or I that ended up dead. I am a fiery woman and I don't take abuse lightly and anytime he drank too much he would get verbally abusive and I gave it back to him. For the next 8 months we were off and on. It finally ended one night I came home late from work...him drunk asleep on the couch. It was about 10:00 and I went to get a drink of water before going to bed and I see that there is a fire on the back porch. This numbskull had started the gas grill to cook a steak and he passed out. The grill was on fire. I attempted to wake him to take care of it and couldn't wake the jerk up. I was dead tired and I just could not deal with his crap for one more second. I literally grabbed my car keys, got in my car and started driving away down the street. Before I even got to the end I freaked out and said WTH am I doing. That grill is going to blow and he is going to end up dead. I actually thought to myself well then ALL this crap in my life will be over. I'll never have to deal with him again. THAT scared me more so I turned the car around and sped back to the house, ran out back, put the fire out as the neighbor is SCREAMING what the hell is going on over there. That shook me so much I knew I had to get out of this relationship and I did. I started moving my things back to my house the next day.
Moral of this story....I had a HUGE wake up call. It was no longer about his crazy a$$ I was so freaked out that I had actually started to drive away that night that I shudder to even think of it now. I realized I was starting to act like a nut case simply by remaining with this guy. From then on I said ok NO MORE MEN until I figure this out. I wanted to know what was wrong with ME that I would even stay one day with a maniac like him. Also the realization that me being around crazy had such an affect on me that I had done something myself SOOOOOOOO out of character chilled me to the bone.
For 3 years I dated NOBODY. This relationship had such a frightful impact on me that I no longer trusted my own judgement. The friend told about this, some having known me most of my life were horrified. More then one of them said OMG that is the Burning Bed story. I had never heard of it as it came out just around the time my dad died. Honestly it would never have been a movie I would have been interested in watching. After hearing about it I rented the DVD and totally lost it. I could understand where that women's mind was. That scared me more then that big
ape did. I actually went to counseling to help me through that time and read every book I could get my hands on regarding abuse and the affect it has on women. There is no doubt in my mind one of us would be dead. Him because I think it would have progressed to where he actually would begin to hit me instead of grabbing me and holding me down while he spewed his hatred for me out and me for reacting to his aggression towards me. I am a fighter that will defend myself against aggressive men (rape victim at 14 where I got severely beaten because I fought back) and there is no doubt in my mind if he ever hit me I would have attempted to hit him back and then it would be over.
Happy ending. I didn't get seriously involved with anyone for 11 years. I dated casually but refused to be vulnerable and "fall in love". Then I met my current husband. We dated for 3 years and he is so much like my dad that it is insane. My dad was a very gentle man, laughed easily and never had a bad word to say about anyone. He was very family oriented and he treated me like a princess. He was old school though in the sense men of old did not speak of their emotions, they were men that took care of their families by providing for them and seeing all their needs were taken care of. Nope, didn't say I love you in words only his actions which was fine with me. My hubby is very much like this, mellow, easy to laugh and super laid back. Been married for 22 years and life is peaceful. No fights, we see things the same way and we had a beautiful daughter together
So for me it turned out well. Never since that night that I got in the car have I ever ever been in that mental state again. My mission became educating girls about warning signs with guys and never hesitate to listen to your gut. I worked an abuse hotline for a few years where I tried my hardest to help women already living in hell to understand there is a way out and life CAN go back to normal once out.
Sorry for the long post. I haven't actually thought about my own personal story in so long that I really had a need to purge it out of my system. Every time I follow one of these cases it does come back to me. I really am ok with it because it only makes me love my husband and family so much more and grateful to myself for taking that long time out after I got myself out of that relationship and put my head back on straight. Best gift I ever gave myself.
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