I'm posting this after a lot of thought and with my husband's permission of course, all pertinent names and some specific details changed.
My MIL is a classic FA mom. Scary, but true.
I think it's so important to explore the mother/son relationship in FA cases. I firmly believe it's a large part of what is instilled these "men" to believe the wife (and children) are disposable at some point. I believe there are a lot more moms in the equations than sons, because the stereotype of the MIL not liking or approving of the DIL is so prevalent. You have to have the perfect storm of the son who has a certain personality type, personality defect, mental/emotional issue, or ability to detach and become an extension of mama rather than a man in his own right.
My husband is a brilliant, dynamic, hard working, creative, funny and very manly type of man with strong opinions and beliefs of his own. It wasn't always that way. He went through so much with an overbearing mother who did very well at trying to create a clone of herself and erase any of his own thoughts or personality, using a combination of guilt and manipulation. This is a man who, at almost 30, did not know how to pick up his own prescription from a pharmacy and thought he had to have his mom call his ex-gf to get her to refill it then have his mom come and bring it to him. I'm not exaggerating.
They finally went through a major break and he checked himself straight into inpatient rehab for counseling and alcohol treatment from trying to drown out his own existence, suppress the growing anger, and do what she told him to do. It was ridiculously painful for him. He said over and over, if I stand up to her she won't love me anymore. I see how he felt that way at the time. I think she loves him too much, if anything. He had ZERO voice, would tell anyone what they wanted to hear to avoid conflict, and it took him years and years to figure out who he was. She wouldn't even recognize him now. He's the head of our household and we're a team, but I let him lead. And it's sad, because as an independent grown man he's just incredible and she's missing out on that.
The scars are still deep, and the break from his family has been clean for over a decade except for the one sane, supportive family member he has which is - wait for it - his Dad.
Of course the only thing that supposedly changed was marrying me. But it's all or nothing to her and he can't do the dysfunction. So I'm evil, his distance and free thinking is my fault, etc. She tells people it's like he's dead now, and that I stole him and brainwashed him. (?!?!?!) If anything ever happened that HE caused, I 100% guarantee my MIL would say, "My first thought was, 'what has she done?'"
His younger brother went the opposite direction. He married someone who stood up to mom, let the wife take all the flack for it, then when mom had enough of her, they divorced her. They. We joke about it now... that Mom and Joe divorced Jane. Because it's true. Every lawyer appt was led by her, paid for by her, custody worked out by her - she had kept notebooks with lists about every fault and every argument with every ex they ever had for "evidence, just in case of future custody battles". They divorced the first wife who ended up eventually getting him to terminate all rights to their child so she could escape the BS, then he found a 2nd wife who is meek, agreeable, and doesn't mind all 3 of them in the marriage raising their son. Bingo. New family. Level Up.
I very much hope that a book is written about CW, this crime, and the family dynamics behind their marriage and his upbringing. I'd like to know what made him how he is. How he's wired. What was beneath the surface of that agreeable man who learned to be a pathological liar by default because being himself wasn't going to be accepted. When he started to become resentful inside. When the mask became more and more of a mask. What made him snap and dispose of his family instead of becoming his true self. What all was so contradictory that he was hiding. And was his true self just a psychopath or narcissist regardless, and the FA mom just formed that perfect storm?
I really would like details and backstories about how this went down. And like others have stated. I'd give a whole lot just to know what the conversations with his dad were, both in the car, then at the police station. I think if there's a glimpse of who he really is anywhere, it would be when he's with his dad.
All JMO, thanks for the indulgence of listening. Thought it might be interesting to hear about the FA mom and effects on the sons from the inside of things.
Cheers! MOO
