Scathing obituary reveals lives of abuse, neglect

[JeannaT]

I don't think telling the world what was done to you is ever wrong. It is your story to tell.

I totally agree - it what was done is true, and if you are not doing that same thing to your own children.

It seems to me, reading around on the net, that when the author of this obit dies, she will have the same obit written about her - if her kids are as unforgiving as she is.

(honestly, truthfully, I'm struggling with myself about why this obit makes me so very mad. I honestly don't know, but it makes me furious to read this).

 

[Laughing]

It ain't about them. It is about this child's reality of her life. If they never dealt with that then that is great for them. I am thrilled they did not endure the same thing, But a life of abuse by their mother is their reality and they don't owe it to anyone else to be quiet about it. That is what perpetuates abuse.. People feeling they need to keep it covered.

BBM

I wonder what James Parsons would write in an obituary for Casey Parsons? What would Erica herself have to say?

http://www.websleuths.com/forums/showthread.php?t=221392&page=17

What might Zahra Clare Baker write in an obituary for Elisa Baker?

http://www.websleuths.com/forums/showthread.php?t=116947&highlight=Zahra+Baker&page=25


These siblings worked to protect children in their state from child abuse!

'Round these parts, we're victim-friendly, right?

Katherine & Patrick, I'm sorry for the rough years you had growing up. I am glad to learn that you have each other!

 

[LadyL]

arghhh - another website where I can't read past the first page - it's always the paid ones

anyway, I would've gladly written a very similar obit about my paternal grandparents but I would've had a huge family upset with me even though every single one of them knows about and/or experienced the abuse and also I would not have wanted to embarrass my parents

so I understand these siblings' pain and that their family dynamics might be preventing the other siblings from standing in solidarity with the two outspoken ones

 

[SapphireSteel]

Just because you read it in the paper, doesn't mean its true.

Apparently the standards of "proof" are variable and free floating.

I thought at least at WS we would have a slightly open mind.

Seems I'm wrong.

If I seem very p8ssed off and angry, it's because I am. I have been a victim of lies and folks just believing it because...why? Don't know, except to say there's a lot of crazies out there, and even more who want to watch folks suffer.

Like I said, this sort of garbage says more about the messenger than anything else.

 

[Linda7NJ]

arghhh - another website where I can't read past the first page - it's always the paid ones

anyway, I would've gladly written a very similar obit about my paternal grandparents but I would've had a huge family upset with me even though every single one of them knows about and/or experienced the abuse and also I would not have wanted to embarrass my parents

so I understand these siblings' pain and that their family dynamics might be preventing the other siblings from standing in solidarity with the two outspoken ones

The other siblings want nothing of her estate and her body remains unclaimed.

That also speaks volumes

 

[Ausgirl]

Maybe so.

Everyone but the police, that is.

If the kids were whipped etc, why were they returned?

We know CPS is far from perfect, but if illegal assaults were involved, LE probably would have been called, even back then...especially as there were several of them, all able to back up the claims.

Respectfully, SS -- this is a bit of a joke. I spent my childhood being tossed back and forth between care facilities and my chronically abusive mother. I was raped, beaten, molested and screamed at. I was chased with a carving knife.

The welfare dept knew about the physical abuse (not the sexual, but I am surprised my behavioural issues didn't tip ANY of them off...) and so did the police.

I stood in a phone box one night, very late, screaming to the police to please, please come and save me as my mother was having an 'episode' and I truly believed she was going to kill me.

They told me to go home. That's what they said. I'm sure there was a 'quit bugging us' in there somewhere, but I can't recall the exact words.

I've heard from so many other people who suffered abuse too, that they just kept getting sent back home time after time, no matter how bad it was there.. same as me.

Luckily, I wasn't killed. I ran away at 13 and lived to spend the next 30 years avoiding my mother like the plague. I saw her -once- in all that time. And when she finally died, I did not attend her funeral. People had their various opinions on that -- but none of them wondered why.

Had I not chosen a path of avoidance, I might have danced a happy little jig on my mother's grave and taken a full-page ad in the Herald-Sun letting everyone know what a vicious, irresponsible, abusive drunken slutty cow she was at times. Not all the time. Just .. often enough to mess her kids up.

I might've done that. But I didn't.

I personally can't blame these kids one bit for what they did. Been there, understand that.

 

[ATasteOfHoney]

Excellent post, Ausgirl.
I'm sorry you had to endure all of that but glad you took the path of avoidance and made a life for yourself.
Glad you didn't go to her funeral too. No homage, no way.

:seeya:

 

[Elley Mae]

I used to read the obits in the local paper all the time. Some are very touching. Some that I have read are heart warming to me. Like (she loved fried green tomatoes and steamed crabs), or (her favorite color is purple.) I have not read one that is quite like this one. I do hope that they are able to move forward now in a positive way.

 

[LaborDayRN]

Respectfully, SS -- this is a bit of a joke. I spent my childhood being tossed back and forth between care facilities and my chronically abusive mother. I was raped, beaten, molested and screamed at. I was chased with a carving knife.

The welfare dept knew about the physical abuse (not the sexual, but I am surprised my behavioural issues didn't tip ANY of them off...) and so did the police.

I stood in a phone box one night, very late, screaming to the police to please, please come and save me as my mother was having an 'episode' and I truly believed she was going to kill me.

They told me to go home. That's what they said. I'm sure there was a 'quit bugging us' in there somewhere, but I can't recall the exact words.

I've heard from so many other people who suffered abuse too, that they just kept getting sent back home time after time, no matter how bad it was there.. same as me.

Luckily, I wasn't killed. I ran away at 13 and lived to spend the next 30 years avoiding my mother like the plague. I saw her -once- in all that time. And when she finally died, I did not attend her funeral. People had their various opinions on that -- but none of them wondered why.

Had I not chosen a path of avoidance, I might have danced a happy little jig on my mother's grave and taken a full-page ad in the Herald-Sun letting everyone know what a vicious, irresponsible, abusive drunken slutty cow she was at times. Not all the time. Just .. often enough to mess her kids up.

I might've done that. But I didn't.

I personally can't blame these kids one bit for what they did. Been there, understand that.

Thanks for you post Ausgirl. I'm so sorry you experienced such a horrific childhood. For some kids, the help never comes despite many reports being made http://www.websleuths.com/forums/showthread.php?t=210608&highlight=Gabriel+fernandez

 

[SapphireSteel]

My mother was (IS) an abusive joke too, I haven't spoken to the woman for 20 years nor do I intend to...and she's as old as dirt.

Only the good die young.

The thing is, placing such a nasty obituary when the woman isn't even cold in her grave, is deeply disrespectful, no matter what your personal "truth" may be. The woman's dead, people do not read obits to find that sort of garbage.

What's wrong with writing a blog? You will reach your audience.

An obituary will be read by folks who know the family. That means (in this case) the children of the other siblings, those children's children possibly, the other siblings themselves, the neighbours, the bank manager, the shop staff, the tennis club, the bosses...they all know about the other siblings alleged "abuse" and horrible past, whether they choose to forget that part of their life or not. They can't now, everyone knows. All because one person chose to "speak her truth" in a public forum. :banghead:

She has actually perpetuated the abuse towards her siblings and remaining family by doing this and revealing the history for all the world. :moo:

Some victims don't want their dirty laundry to be public knowledge. I am one of them.

I would be horrified and victimised all over again if I had a sibling publish this, in an obituary for goodness sake. Everyone reads them! It would just make me cringe to think everyone I spoke to daily now knew about my past abuse...even more so if it wasn't true. :scared:

I just think the rights of the many should outweigh the rights of the individual, especially in something as personal as childhood trauma.

:seeya:

 

[ScarlettScarpetta]

My mother was (IS) an abusive joke too, I haven't spoken to the woman for 20 years nor do I intend to...and she's as old as dirt.

Only the good die young.

The thing is, placing such a nasty obituary when the woman isn't even cold in her grave, is deeply disrespectful, no matter what your personal "truth" may be. The woman's dead, people do not read obits to find that sort of garbage.

What's wrong with writing a blog? You will reach your audience.

An obituary will be read by folks who know the family. That means (in this case) the children of the other siblings, those children's children possibly, the other siblings themselves, the neighbours, the bank manager, the shop staff, the tennis club, the bosses...they all know about the other siblings alleged "abuse" and horrible past, whether they choose to forget that part of their life or not. They can't now, everyone knows. All because one person chose to "speak her truth" in a public forum. :banghead:

She has actually perpetuated the abuse towards her siblings and remaining family by doing this and revealing the history for all the world. :moo:

Some victims don't want their dirty laundry to be public knowledge. I am one of them.

I would be horrified and victimised all over again if I had a sibling publish this, in an obituary for goodness sake. Everyone reads them! It would just make me cringe to think everyone I spoke to daily now knew about my past abuse...even more so if it wasn't true. :scared:

I just think the rights of the many should outweigh the rights of the individual, especially in something as personal as childhood trauma.

:seeya:

It is not disrespectful. Just because someone is dead, They should not be elevated to normal sainthood if they were despicable.

It matters not what the siblings say.. Let them write their own OBIT, This is how this woman felt and she gets to say it.

The whole respect thing, Blind respect is what causes is all this abuse to be kept in the dark. To be forgotten while the victims suffer.

So you will not do this when your mother passes, But they have every right to speak their truth. We have no idea what they went through.

 

[SwampMama]

I have to side with the siblings who wrote then and I stand by their side in complete empathy for what they endured. They would know, more than anyone else, the kind of person their mother was behind closed doors and what despicable abuse she was capable of.

The children spoke the truth as they knew it from a lifetime of suffering her wrath. Perhaps the mother was able to fool others (psychopaths can be so charming and nice to other people when it suits them).

I don't think anyone should judge the children for what they wrote because they have suffered enough an probably still mentally suffer from a lifetime of abuse at this monster's hands.

An abituary is a chance to summarize a person's accomplishments in life and it seems that this monster's most lasting contribution to this earth was the terror she inflicted on her children. I applaud them for speaking out.

The daughter has also been active in getting laws passed to help prevent other children from suffering similar situations at the hands of their parents. Sometimes a parents rights just need to be terminated and that is not done nearly often enough (for example Jhessye Shockley's mother).

 

[Karmady]

To me, the obituary is upsetting for what it says about the writer. It seems to me that she was and remains very, very angry and damaged. Which is understandable, but sad that she hasn't been able to work through it and recover after a very long time.

Also, I don't like the precedent it potentially sets for this type of thing becoming common place. I don't have any problem with people publicly speaking their truth, of course. But if newspapers are going to start publishing these types of obituaries without significant checks in place, that could lead to a ton of unwarranted posthumous character assasinations that may be partially or completely unjustified. That would be a very bad trend, imo.

Now that I think of it, I don't think this is the first such I've seen recently. Seems there was another similar one out of California maybe within the past year or two. Another big family writing not so nice things about their mother in her obituary. Hmmm...

all jmo.

 

[Karmady]

I found references to the other obituary I was thinking of. It was Dolores Aguilar in 2008 (time flies) and she died in New Mexico, not Cali. All of the msm links to it are gone now, of course.

jmo

Heres snopes talking about both of them:

http://www.snopes.com/media/iftrue/obituary.asp

 

[Linda7NJ]

My mother was (IS) an abusive joke too, I haven't spoken to the woman for 20 years nor do I intend to...and she's as old as dirt.

Only the good die young.

The thing is, placing such a nasty obituary when the woman isn't even cold in her grave, is deeply disrespectful, no matter what your personal "truth" may be. The woman's dead, people do not read obits to find that sort of garbage.

What's wrong with writing a blog? You will reach your audience.

An obituary will be read by folks who know the family. That means (in this case) the children of the other siblings, those children's children possibly, the other siblings themselves, the neighbours, the bank manager, the shop staff, the tennis club, the bosses...they all know about the other siblings alleged "abuse" and horrible past, whether they choose to forget that part of their life or not. They can't now, everyone knows. All because one person chose to "speak her truth" in a public forum. :banghead:

She has actually perpetuated the abuse towards her siblings and remaining family by doing this and revealing the history for all the world. :moo:

Some victims don't want their dirty laundry to be public knowledge. I am one of them.

I would be horrified and victimised all over again if I had a sibling publish this, in an obituary for goodness sake. Everyone reads them! It would just make me cringe to think everyone I spoke to daily now knew about my past abuse...even more so if it wasn't true. :scared:

I just think the rights of the many should outweigh the rights of the individual, especially in something as personal as childhood trauma.

:seeya:

I may be wrong but it sounds like you carry some shame. IMO there is no and should be no shame for victims of child abuse. It's not the child's fault period.

 

[Tulessa]

I had a disinterested, abusive mother and I would never, ever write something like that about her.

The time to confront people is when they're alive, not when they're dead and cannot defend themselves.

The fact that these adult children did this at all shows more about them than it does their mother, I'm afraid.

I think it shows more about the mother, and her parenting skills.

 

[Tulessa]

Lol, but I would say that about my late grandmother! And, yes, EVERYONE she met was tortured by her. Honestly, if I had written her obituary...

Same here. She was cold and evil. I didn't even attend her funeral. Are we kin by chance? :floorlaugh:

 

[Sunshine95]

http://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/obituary

"Someone's obituary is an account of their character and achievements which is published shortly after they have died"

In my opinion, everyone has a right to give an account of the character and achievements of those who are supposed to raise and take care of you. I am astounded by the amount of judgement and accusatory anger towards the people who wrote this. They have a right, and there is enough evidence to show the "mother" did not take care of them. I have no fear that my child will write such a story, because I am a good mother. I have no reason to be afraid, and maybe those who aren't good parents can rethink their decisions... Every other person related to this woman also has a right to submit an obituary that is not as negative. Maybe the person that takes her remains and makes arrangements for a funeral/ memorial will do that... oh, except it was said upthread that no one even wants to give her that respect. You reap what you sow. If the authors are also damaged, abusive, resentful, etc. then they still have the rest of their lives to work on that. And then when they leave this earth, others have a right to memorialize them in an obituary.

To assume that there is a system that protects children, their rights, and that it is a simple and realistic task to press charges on a parent years after the abuse is ignorant, in my opinion. Not trying to be ugly, just realistic.
Maybe this will open conversations within the family for healing to further occur, I hope so. Maybe this will open conversations in our society about all that is broken, I hope so. I refuse to join in on bashing a victim's reactions which are protected by our constitution and only truly expose one person's actions. I leave it to a higher power to judge.

I wish this site was less angry, judgmental, quick to attack and assume, and more about coming together in a spirit of love and understanding. If it weren't for the kids, both under and over 18, I think I would be permanently checked out of this site. Rotten apples and all...
And all of this is my opinion, please don't attack me for sharing...

ETA: I know and appreciate that a majority of the people on here do not fit the characteristics I described above, that's what I meant by rotten apples

 

[Ausgirl]

I can't help thinking that if more obituaries were brutally honest, more people might think twice about making their children's lives miserable.

I'm pretty sure my daughter's going to write a relatively nice one about me...

Thank goodness. As I've raised her to speak her mind, after all - and she does!

 

[Karmady]

I can't help thinking that if more obituaries were brutally honest, more people might think twice about making their children's lives miserable.

I'm pretty sure my daughter's going to write a relatively nice one about me...

Thank goodness. As I've raised her to speak her mind, after all - and she does!

Scathing obituaries only effect the living. jmo