When you other posters learned or realized your mom had NPD, did it screw your head up too, or is it just me?
abbie
It's not just you. In fact, the DBT psychologist my daughter was seeing hesitated to diagnose her. I think he missed a lot, dismissed a lot, but I was in complete denial too initially. She's so naive sheltered little rich girl, that sometimes it's easy to gloss over some of the more glaring aspects of her... issues.
Her therapist obviously could not diagnose her adoptive mother, but his gut was telling him she likely was a borderline. The hypothesis was in part based on studies that seem to indicate that children of borderlines can echo borderline tendencies without meeting the diagnostic criteria themselves.
After my Granddaughter died, he couldn't deny it anymore, and she was finally officially diagnosed, but clearly her Mom has her own issues, far more severe and self-destructive than my daughter. She's just more skilled at putting up the pretty, deceptive facade.
Of course this is going to screw with your head. Just like growing up in a war zone, or being raped, or in any other way victimized.
Like... something grace (ack, sorry!) up there, I experienced suicidal ideation for years. My Mom died when my oldest son was a few months old, and I wanted to die for a long time. One day I realized that for all our issues, I missed her, it wasn't all bad, and she lived life to the (dysfunctional) fullest, and part of my grief was that she, who had such zest for life, and did great things for others (if not me) was gone, and my Dad, who I don't have much respect for, was alive, doing nothing but taking from others.
I realized I was being a selfish prat, and if I died, I was condemning my son to worse grief than what I was going through. That snapped me out of it.
It's one of the reasons I chose adoption for my daughter. I was an angry, hurting, messed up kid, and like hell was I going to subject her to any of that. And as much as I find it hard to accept what her parents did to her (because it was worse than anything I could have done) I wouldn't have been much better of a parent either. The great irony is I chose her parents because her adoptive Mom reminded me of the best of my Mom. I should have remembered my Mom was able to give shining first impressions too.... I might have made a better choice.
Abbie, it's perfectly normal for something like this to mess up your head. You've obviously worked hard to change the patterns in your life and make better choices than your Mother. It is interesting how many of us here had troubled early years... I think many of us know but for the grace of God...
I find the same thing among foster parents. There are those of us who take our pain and magnify it and explode onto others, and there are those of us for whom the only way to survive is to stand up and say, "not on my watch".
Big hugs to you (all of you!). Be proud. You are a survivor.
