I didn't know we were on a new thread already! :blushing: Carrying this over:
I think to understand intimate partner violence one has to stop asking how the victim could have made different decisions or found him/herself there in the first place. Abuse is a complex series of behaviors, evolving gradually, that make a victim doubt their reality, their perceptions, and most importantly themselves.
How were they manipulated into staying in the relationship by the abuser? What fears or hopes were leveraged against them? Did they believe they had people to resort to who would understand - or those that would belittle them for having 'allowed' abuse? Did they have access to financial resources? A home to live in, separate from the abuser? Funds for an attorney? Were they allowed access to drive? Work? Are there children the victim risks having to allow often unsupervised access by the abuser to should they divorce? Will people believe him/her?
For a great many victims, there are no laws to protect them so the government is rather out of the equation anyway. Unless abuse escalates to prosecutable physical or sexual violence a victim is without that resource. Because of the nature of abuse, and a deep and complex psychology behind it, by the time it escalates to that, abuse victims are so enmeshed its that much more difficult to leave.
Intimate partner violence truly transcends all boundaries. Professional, well-educated, wealthy, self-sufficient people become victims too. You meet someone who seems perfect for you, very slowly cracks begin to appear that are easily rationalized or minimized (Oh, he snapped at me because he had a bad day.) and before you even realize it, you're literally trapped in a situation you truly don't know how to get out of, with kids, money, and/or self intact. If it began with being hit on the first date - or being called a litany of bad names, even, very few would ever stay beyond it.
The overwhelming majority of people don't like to be abused. They don't stay, or return, to be abused either. They love, hope, and often fear. And that hope, love, and fear is very often twisted and used against them, to keep them in a relationship making them miserable, by someone who says they love them.
(ETA: As an aside, I truly don't believe anyone can blame, guilt, or shame an abuse victim more than what they already feel internally. It's a long, hard process personally working through the whys and hows, which are different for every victim. Just food for thought for those people may come in contact with someone in abuse, or freshly out of it, themselves. They already feel stupid. They already know they've made mistakes. They already worry they can't survive on their own. They already feel shame or embarrassment for 'allowing' it and feel immense guilt if loved ones were hurt through their abuse too.)
