A Driver Is Pulled Over By A Cop For Speeding
The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One
of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying *advertiser censored* told you I was speeding, too!"
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Two Guys Both Lose Their Wives In A Grocery Store
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
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There Was A Shipwreck, And Only Scarlett Johansson And Some Random Guy Survived On A Deserted Island
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was.
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him...
after all, there wasn't anybody else on the island.
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most
effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this.
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they
were for all intents and purposes "romantically dating".
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed.
"Whats wrong?" Scarlett asked. "Nothing..." he would always reply.
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and
even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him.
"Really? You'll do anything I'd like?"
"Yes," she said. "Anything!"
"Okay, first i want you to take off your toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore."
"Okay..."
"Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your *advertiser censored* so they are flat."
"Wha... Okay, I said I'd do anything," she said lovingly.
"Okay, now take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it."
She was confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy. So she tucked her hair under the hat.
"Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache."
"Okay, if this is what you want," she muttered.
"Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach. I'll catch up to you in a bit!" he said a bit excited.
She started walking, wondering, doubting herself, just confused about what had just happened. Maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h- and suddenly the guy grabs her by her
shoulder turns her around and says:
"DUDE!!! You won't believe who I've been sleeping with for the past 6 months!"
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Man In Ecstasy
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in
and out.
It was going on for 10 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug *advertiser censored*!"
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The Pharmacist
One day an old man went into a pharmacy, reached into his pocket and took out a small bottle and a teaspoon, laying them on the counter.
He asked the pharmacist Could you taste this for me, please.
The customer being a senior citizen, the pharmacist went along, taking the spoon with a tiny dab of the liquid, putting it in his mouth, swilling the liquid around and with a
grimacing look spitting it into a cup.
Now, does that taste sweet to you?asked the old man?
The pharmacist replied Hell no!
Oh, thats a relief, said the old man, The doctor told me to come here to get my urine tested for sugar.
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Shave and a haircut
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he cant get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When hes finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave hed had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally
swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
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Link:
http://1cqgxm3l59yi2wwbnn3qy35h.wpe...use-in-Vermont-For-Sale-11-e1449499881291.jpg
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Link:
https://aqu52.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/odd_useless_facts_23.jpg?w=600&h=363
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Link:
http://www.lukaroski.com/cartoons/060_c.jpg
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