Good Morning all,
My schedule today is to work in the morning then head downtown around 12:30 to hook up with whoever I hook up with down there to wait for the verdict. I still think this afternoon is a possibility. I have all my mornings filled with work but every afternoon open this week so this jury better wait til the afternoon whenever they come in.
I woke up thinking and being very moved by Chris Hughes speaking last night (I'm sure you all did too). I went for an early am walk and was pondering so many things. Mostly his parting words about "speaking for Travis" to us and admonishing us to use all of this as an opportunity to grow. I recommitted myself to just that this morning.
Participating in this trial has offered me many lessons and opportunities to grow in itself. If you only knew how hard it is for me to set boundaries and I had to do it over and over and over again in this process, both for myself and others. I've learned in a deeper way to "trust my gut" which is a HUGE lesson for me personally--about reading people and things. And to take certain risks that I'd never take before. And what truly giving looks like (and doesn't).
I've been thinking about how being discerning and being fierce in drawing lines in the sand is critical to one's development (think Skye Hughes kicking Jodi out of their house).
I'm also thinking about how I complain about being single and walking this path of life "alone" or so it seems and how that really is an illusion. I think of the times I've sold myself short (like Travis did w/ Jodi, as my sister did with her murderer--not criticizing just saying how easy this is to fall in to) and made choices that diminished my vitality. And how it's so, for me, challenging to stay focused on quality vs. space filling people.
I'm thinking I have no time anymore for shallow superficiality in my life! I have no time for lack of integrity in myself or others! I have no time for choices that diminish my light and take me off a path of, as Travis says, "being a better person".
Listening to Chris really brought a laser focus back to my mind about setting my course in a clear intentional way. And listening to Chris himself and Chris describing Travis I am inspired that there ARE men on this planet and potentially ONE man who will find me who feels a similar yearning to grow, become the best they can be. And how I just won't settle for less out of loneliness, desire for sex, exhaustion or anything else. I was remembering an essay I wrote 2 years ago called "It's gonna be Great or nothing" which I will share here. I needed to revisit those words now.
I feel so inspired thanks to Chris Hughes last night. And I feel justice is coming very very soon and I look forward to detoxing any negativity that may have "stuck" to me during these months and putting my life on a path everyone who has ever loved me will be proud of.
Here is my little essay if you want to read it and watch out world...I'm getting ready to bust out and claim my highest self, one I've not gotten to know yet. And I'm hoping Travis Alexander is up there cheering me on.
xoxo
https://www.facebook.com/notes/kathy-monkman/its-gonna-be-great-or-nothing/10150348077424954