Kiefer's cruel projection on to me really got me thinking about how people choose to cope when the most horrible thing happens in your life that you can NEVER erase. I'm going to write about it somehow one day soon. I want to say some things about the additional burdens that get placed on murder victims' families (which will come for the Alexanders and has already although they've been shielded to alot of it).
It's like we're expected to "just let it go" or follow some "code of conduct" or "rise above it" or somehow compartmentalize it in a way that makes OTHER people less uncomfortable.
The reality, esp with the DP, we are living with it for the rest of our lives. Healing is a process. Closure never happens.
I felt like Kiefer's judgment of me , aside from being his own projection" was sort of this Gestalt of the whole dilemna we face (or anyone who's been subjected to horrible tragedy). That you're in this spotlight and expected to be some kind of "example" yet at the same time human and continually evolving and doing the best you can at every turn, every year, every anniversary, every trigger.
His words DID cut me like a knife because they were said so casually as "fact" like it was some "given" and everyone knows I'm somehow "ruined" now that I've chosen to step out of the closet of my pain in to this in some kind of "out loud" way, that it's an indicator that I'm "worse off than I've been in years" (which is one of the things he said to me, to my face, in the courtroom). I was stunned. I laughed it off saying "you really think I've totally changed?" (knowing it was NOT a compliment) and he snickered and said "well, look at you, you're here aren't you?". Like this was some kind of leprosy on my face.
It hurts when someone is being cruel. But in reality, it stings him that ANYONE is supporting the Alexanders. It's HIS issue. He thinks THEY have "victimized" Jodi by not promoting her plea deal.
This is what families are exposed to (and more). Usually it just shows up in eerie camps like the Jodi Is Innocent asylum but it's downright disturbing to show up in a relationship like that. It stunned me honestly. But I made a hard decision over it..and I'm still protecting his privacy on some things because I have my own conscience.
Sorry for the rant...I just kind of popped the cork on this (and not on my wine yet..brb).
o. Eastern Its called Obsession Jodi Arias story
