Allison had a psychology degree so when traits of certain personality disorders started appearing I imagine she could rationalise and speak about them in the beginning.
There is a saying 'being pecked to death by ducks'. The pecks don't hurt but over a period of time you either desensitise or go crazy.
'Water can wear away a stone'
Get my drift?
Wow. This ended up way longer than intended. Sorry. Especially sorry to Ma'am Marlywimgs for being a bit OT :-/
This is exactly what happened to me. The little bits seemed so little in their own right but over time that carping criticism, the little pushes, the undermining..... I only really started to notice when he'd start hiding the toys he saw my girls and I having fun playing together or when I saw the fear on their little faces as they scuttled to hide under the bed when he rampaged and threw me against walls and doors. Funny because he was getting more physically violent and more insulting and controlling - you know.... But I didn't notice any of that, or at least I wouldn't admit it to myself. And when I appealed to his family about the violence they told me it was nothing....DV is so insidious. 7 years later I can see it so clearly but at the time, even if you start to wonder, there's a "but what if he's right?" shame about it. I actually believed I was a bad mother, that I deserved no friends because I was a horrible useless worthless person. Then came the whole but how do I get out of this alive scenario.
I won't bore you with the rest including forced terminations but suffice to say, when I came home one day after attending a conference & seeing family in Sydney, I was half an hour later than he expected despite having taken two little girls all the way from Sydney to rural Victoria via a plane & a 5 hr drive all in one day. He opened the door, yelling at me so loudly the neighbours across the street came out to see what was going on. His face was priceless when I said "good thing I don't have to put up with this s*** anymore, I have my own place". I had been secreting away bits & pieces in a storage unit & had quietly secured a house & had all the services connected. I grabbed the girls, got in the car & went to our new peaceful home. Still a long journey from there but I am so glad I had the inner strength (tks to a very close friend) to do it.
The worst thing was he never displayed it front of other people, although it started to slip out in little bits in the end. His stress about losing control really showed at the perfect time when many years later I finally got the Consent Orders to the Family Court & he exploded at his and my Barristers, yelling abuse and threatening them and me if they didn't make me lose all my money, my car, my job & the kids and NOW! He was the sort that would be about 4 inches from your face as he yelled abuse, spraying spittle over you face as his angry eyes would narrow & projected the most awful out of control anger. Of course he was perpetually escorted in the court from then on. It was great confirmation that his behaviour was indeed really bad and it wasn't just me.
When I read the bail documents I got the shivers. I'm used to rather intimately dealing with deceased persons after road trauma so it wasn't the details in the autopsy report. All of the detail about their life that is being revealed, the phone calls and emails, the comments from TM. It all adds up to a lot of DV for both ABC & TM. I think they both suffered. If TM was so unable to cope without him (someone mentioned that previously) he had a type of control over her as well, she probably thought it was love. In my opinion ABC knew full well about the affairs and had, in amongst her depression, found a clarity and therefore strength, to leave him, probably through her counsellor sessions. She most likely announced it that night when the girls were not in earshot. It escalated....and the rest is history. TM may not have had the wherewithal to participate but I believe she knows far more than she is letting on. She may well still be operating out of fear of losing him - part of the insidious all consuming control & drive to appease the perpetrator that comes with this type of psychological DV.
End of rant. A big Easter Sunday thank you to those that read it all. :-*
:hug::rose:
