I was sexually abused by my 14 year old step-brother when I was 9. It was the exact same kind of sexual abuse--middle of the night visits and fondling. I lived in a home that was chaotic. My mother and my stepfather were constantly fighting, my stepfather was alcoholic and abusive and especially physically abusive to my older stepbrother, who came into my life at age 13. My older stepbrother really looked after my younger brother and me. We used to spend whole afternoons out in the woods and all day Saturdays--trying to stay away from our scary house as much as possible. What's remarkable, is that I thought of him and still do think of him as mostly a comforting and sheltering presence in my life. He built amazing forts, where we spent a lot of hours--nothing untoward that I remember. Those forts were like shelters from the storm for us kids. But he also sexually abused me. It was NOT playing doctor. He was old enough to know better and I was too young to consent. But for years I actually believed that it had been two kids "experimenting." I also thought that I must have been "hyper-sexual" somehow with him and was equally responsible. It wasn't until my kids were the same ages that it hit me ike a ton of bricks that this was not normal childhood behavior.
My mom was very religious and we grew up with fundamentalist Baptist theology that later became more evangelical as our church grew. My home was definitely sexually repressive, but also weirdly perverse as our parents would scream and fight and then have sex loudly so us kids could hear--scary and confusing. We got all the usual teachings about women being submissive and the importance of purity and the same old drill with abuse, prayer and forgiveness. I developed really early, which just added to my sense of guilt. I started to rebel in my teen years, because I was angry about all the abuse in the home. I was accused of opening up the doors to the Occult by my rebellion and told that I might cause my stepdad to start drinking again. Mystepdad was also sexually inappropriate to me and said some really heinous things about me to my mom--which of course she told me.
I think I really internalized that the sexual abuse was my fault. I later became involved in a very Conservative Mennonite church (another part of my family heritage--and one which I really still see a lot of good in)which I think I was drawn to because of the "safe" feeling I got from the clearly delineated roles and the modest dress, but the emphasis was on forgiveness even more, so I went to my stepbrother to beg his forgiveness and at the time his response was not helpful--he just said, "The past is in the past."
This year, I had a crisis having to do with all of the abuse I experienced as a child that I never dealt with properly--just forgiving and forgiving for so many awful things. I tried so hard to be a good Christian and let go of any resentment.
I'm now 44 and finally got in touch with some healthy anger and went no contact with my mom and a bunch of other toxic family members due to ongoing absuive behaviors. It was the most gut-wrenching horrible experience of my life. Walking away from family can be like death. I can't imagine what it would be like to break with a family like the Duggars--your whole entire world--and to walk away from them and tell the truth and seek your own path, knowing the kind of rejection you would get. It seems just so painful it'd be about impossible. I know it was horrible for me and I am still grieving.
But the crazy thing is that through this process, I confronted my older stepbrother and he was fully and completely repentant and took full responsibility. I do believe he was a victim at the time of a chaotic, abusive household, and I don't believe he went on to abuse anyone else. Of course, no one can really know, but I've stayed in a relationship with him and I do believe it was something that only happened in that context of our awful childhood. The dynamics of sexual abuse and the dynamics in abusive families can be so incredibly complicated and confusing. You really love your family, but are hurt by it too. It's a kind of brainwashing and a kind of stockholm syndrome.
