Hi everyone,
First of all a hand extended to gauntlet and my open arms for a hug. It's one of those moments going on where yesterday I walked out of a treatment at work and in to the hornet's nest of texts and rushed with no breakfast or lunch straight to the courthouse after texting one of the Alexanders and opening my mind and heart the whole way for a path of how to deal with this.
I parked my car..two of my friends one being Katie wick who I've been thru this entire trial with, came down to the street to meet me. "Tell me when you are walking" one text said. I got out of my car and texted back "walking" and they were rushing out of the courthouse and us in to each others arms, one crying and the words flew out of my mouth "we have to dig deep right now".
My role has been as best I can to hold faith for this family. As my relationships with them have developed that has gotten stronger in me. I sit in court behind them holding my most precious commodity- my faith and belief...and experience. I am not wavering now. We ran in to Aunt Heather as we came in..I ran to her and we had a huge long hug..she just kept saying "I don't know..I don't know". In a place of no words we just said "we are going upstairs to pray". The 3 of us rushed upstairs , grabbed the rest of our group , joined hands and held a long prayer/energy circle led by Katie and myself chiming in asking for us to be infused with all the prayers going on around the globe, to be filled with the deepest understanding of how to support the family, the right actions, the right words, the right tone and knowing there is a larger picture going on.
We then entered the hall filled w journalists (we are on the media and family side) agreeing not to let worry show on our faces...to dig deep in to our strength. I saw Kiefer all dressed up in a shirt and tie parading like a peacock. He's usually a rumpled mess. Why the fanfare today? I know how to ignore a person when I've reached the threshold I have so spent my time talking to people who's opinion matters to me (with the exception of one egomaniac) and stayed with my ever increasing calm as the day went by. We thought something was going on around 3:30 and that may be when the jury left I don't know. They took them down another exit so we never saw them.
We went to dinner, 2 family members joined us, we all watched Katie on dr. Drew together as we'd talked the whole dinner about her theory on the note and she did mention it on dr drew. Beth k had beat her to the punch as we had shared it w her up in the 5th floor and she got all wide eyed like she'd not considered that. That jury would have had to be deliberating for around 40-45 min to get "deadlocked" yesterday. That does not make sense to me. When I heard each one looked at the family upon leaving that also gave me a sense of calm.
Holding your fortitude in a time of chaos is an opportunity to get strong you don't get every day. I cherish that and all the growth opportunities this trial has given me.
Sometimes I come here and it's like posting in a mine field for me...I'm sure people miss things as they get deleted. I know of at least 3 posters either TO or banned because of posting crappy remarks to me. It happens. No good deed goes unpunished. Sometimes I've taken the bait hence the worm remark but Tricia's advice is sound to never ever do that..another good practice one I'm still learning. My only time out in this trial was posting an obscenity to Nurmi. I just couldn't help it.
It's all part of it but in life as well so much more good outshines the negative. My life is a testament to that as is my dear brother's who has cooked dinner for me every night this week. Last night he said "if I was just cooking for myself I,would have made mashed potatoes from the box but since you were coming I made them from scratch". See what I mean?
Today I shore up,again and present my strength to this family. I will step outside of the tears in my eyes waking up this morning after a dream where Cindy was still alive on an island somewhere and we needed to,go rescue her to the reality of her being gone. It's been a long time since one of those dreams so I will call her in close today as well...as painful as it is to call in a spirit in to a life you wish they were in the flesh, but I will do it as its all I have.
Headed up shortly to bring my last food delivery to the Alexanders during this horrible scary moment I hope. And to hug them all, reinforce my belief in what's right, go take care of some clients, maybe go back and out tonite. I can fall apart later...but it's not happening today.
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