Ahhhhh Spudgun, you crack me up.
(Posted on the Mirror Board and promptly deleted by the Mods)
On behalf of the entire Policia Judiciaria, His Royal Highness, the Most Serene Lord, the Royal Prince of Portugal, the Prime Minister and current EU leader Senor Jose Socrates and the entire peoples of Portugal, may I take this opportunity to deeply and most sincerely apologise to the esteemed peoples of the United Kingdom for ever daring to give consideration to the possibility that Saint Gerry and Kate McCann, Patron Saints of Rothley, could ever have been responsible for the disappearance of their daughter, Madeleine.
We now realise our own despicable ineptitude, inabilities and incompetence in failing to resolve this case, for which we feel intense shame.
It should have been obvious to even the most imbecilic of police forces that, upon arrival at the Mark warner holiday complex and having the parents explain how the shutters to their apartment had been forced and smashed open, their doors unlocked, their versions of events and statements wildly differing, that Madeleine was clearly abducted.
The fact that their entire party of friends and colleagues had marched, charged and ventured all over the apartment, destroying any possible evidence of what took place there is irrelevant and is a d**ning indictment on our useless forensics department.
It is now abundantly clear to us that we should have immediately released a description of the prime suspect, as described in perfect detail, by Jane Tanner, instead of waiting for the Right Honourable Gordon Brown to insist that we do so 3 weeks after the event and after our useless scene of crime officers had dismissed it as being entirely fictitious on the grounds that not only did two other witnesses NOT see the abductor, but they didn’t see Jane Tanner either.
As for those English Cadaver dogs that apparently scented ‘Death’on the garments and accessories of Mrs. McCann, we can only reiterate that it is easy for such matters to become confused during the translation process. We now fully understand that ‘Eau du Corpse’ is, in fact, a latest designer perfume from France, specifically designed for wear by professional women who come into contact with an inordinately high number of cadavers during the course of a typical working week.
And those DNA test results from your Birmingham FSS Forensic services? We now fully accept that although they represent a partial match to Madeleine, stated as 88% from one source, to a 100% ‘non transferable’ match as quoted on SKY, FOX and CBS news, they are equally likely to have been derived from a partially decaying packet of Walls Pork sausages.
As for all those other allegations, ‘leaks’ inaccuracies and ‘unhelpful speculation’ that has appeared in our press since May, apportioning blame on to the McCanns, I can assure you that they have collectively hung their heads in shame and are working tirelessly to match those standards set by those Holy Grails of informative Press, the ‘SUN’, ‘DAILY MAIL’, ‘DAILY EXPRESS’ and the ‘MIRROR‘.
It remains for me only to say that we will gladly donate the entirety of our pension funds, as issued on our imminent dismissal from the force for our incompetence, to the ‘Madeleine McCann Fund’ so that Mr and Mrs McCann can continue their tireless search for their daughter and for the truth, and to travel in order to bring compassion, understanding and education about the dangers of evil Predators to the world.
Either that or to pay for their Mortgage and future Holidays for the next12 years.
We shall also insist on a Nationwide collection towards the fund from the citizens of Portugal. Including those who took a week off work to scurry around on their hands on knees to search through the dirt with their bare hands for clues. These ‘Bumpkins’ must also suffer the consequences of their countries failings.
We can only hope that our replacements will take up the gauntlet of Justice and pursue this case, sifting through the miriad of Sex offenders that dwell on every street corner and home in Portugal in order to establish the real culprit and ensure that he faces Justice. Either that or enlist him into the PJ alongside all the other paedophiles and woman beaters.
I, myself, am now off to apply to join Metodo 3, where their respective efforts have done more to unearth the real truth of this mystery than any other efforts here in Portugal.
Yours,
Senor S. Muncher
some choose not to believe her.
