A couple of things:
#1 You should be very proud of yourself for how you have turned your life around. It is amazing how the power of love - the love you share with your son - can change your whole world. Hold tight to those powerful feelings!
#2 "There, but for the Grace of God, go I." None of us can ever know what another person has been through that can lead them to any type of addiction. Addiction is so complex and poorly understood which can cause it to be so hard to overcome. I used to be an ICU nurse and took care of a young man who came in as a heroin overdose. He spent weeks on life support and dialysis before beginning to recover. Several of my co-workers were very unsympathetic towards him and basically had the attitude that "he did this to himself so why should we bust our *advertiser censored* to take care of him?". I took care of him quite a bit and, as he began to improve and was able to speak we would have long conversations. It started when I asked him about his tattoos, many of which had the name of a girl and dates. "H" and the girl lived in a bad city with a lot of poverty, drugs and crime. While in High School they became close and started dating. She confided to him that her uncle, whose family she lived with, had been molesting her since she was 5 y/o. "H" wanted to confront the uncle but she begged him not to, saying she was afraid of the uncle and what he would do. "H" went to the girl's house and confronted the uncle when he answered the door. The uncle opened fire on "H" and the girl, shooting both of them. The girl died in his arms on the sidewalk. They were both just 16 y/o.
He loved her deeply and could never get over his belief that he caused her death and turned to drugs. At 19 y/o he got clean and wanted to finish High School and move on with his life. But he then found out he was HIV+ and his life spiraled out of control again. "H" survived the hospitalization when I got to know him, but later came back and did not survive. It has been 22 years since I was blessed to get to know him and I am forever grateful that I did. I treasure our conversations and the insight it gave me into the struggles of one sensitive soul that led him to addiction which ultimately destroyed his life. He was a beautiful soul and it is so sad that most people only saw him as "an addict".
#3 You are NEVER too old to do ANYTHING!! I had an great-aunt that went back to school at 80 y/o to take art classes at the U of AZ in Tucson! And I'll never forget a response that Dear Abby gave to someone that wrote in because she had always wanted to be a doctor but felt she was too old to start down a path that would take so many years as she was well past the typical "college age". The writer said that after years of college, medical school, residency, etc she would be "x" years old and felt that was too old to be starting a career in medicine. Dear Abby's response was priceless and memorable, essentially saying that, if you don't do this, in "x" years you will still be "x" years old but the only difference is that you WON'T be starting a career in medicine!
So, follow your dreams even if it is one small step at a time. You may take some steps forward and some steps back and it will often be hard but just believe that you will eventually get there and just think of the powerful message you are sending to your son. YOU CAN DO THIS!!
(FYI I got pregnant at 16 y/o, had my son at 17 y/o and still graduated HS with my class. I got a job on my 18th birthday so I could get benefits for my son, worked 6 days a week and went to school 2 nights a week and eventually became and ICU/Trauma nurse with a MSN. I was lucky that I had very supportive parents, but it was hard but I did it and it was so worth it. I now have 3 good kids.)
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