This is what I have meant by Hope having 'friends' but not having FRIENDS She may seem social and strong, many abused women do, that doesn't mean they have resources or the strength to escape and it doesn't mean they don't live in constant fear, walking on eggshells every moment of their lives
It's very hard being in ministry.
I'm a PK who also was in full-time ministry.
It's like living in a fishbowl, whether you're at a small church or a large church. And I've been in - by attendance, because of family, and because of my own work - the gamut.
It's very hard to feel you can be real with people, even if what you're dealing with isn't potentially of the scale of what Hope may (or may not) have been dealing with.
It's hard to know who are your friends for real and who is befriending you wanting to get close to those they may deem important or who is befriending you wanting "inside scoop" or...what.
In many cases, people expect those in ministry to have it all together - though that's far from what I believe is Biblical. In many cases, when you're in a visible ministry position, you're put on a pedestal - which I also think is far from Biblical - and that tends to be even more true when you're the wife of the senior/main/whatever-they're-called-at-a-particular-church pastor.
And, in many cases, you find people in ministry feeling like they're either having to be inauthentic and wear a 'mask' or else be considered less than spiritual, etc. because, especially as a pastor's ______ (fill in the blank of any relative) or even being the one in ministry yourself, then there's often an expectation that your life can be wrapped up with a pretty little bow.
But that's not real life. In ministry or otherwise.
I was in a very visible position at a very large church. Everyone knew who I was and expected to know all about my life (not that I let them, but that was the expectation).
People feel entitled to give their opinions on everything. If you're single, who you are dating; if you're married, about your spouse and your marriage; if you're parents, about your kids and how you're raising them or how they behave.
I had many real, genuine heart-friends, people who knew the good, bad, and ugly about my life...and about the 'work' side of my life.
But only two of whom were at that church at that time. And that was, in many ways, intentional.
Although many, many people at the church considered themselves one of my good or very close friends, and yes, several
were friends of mine, and even ones I would say were good friends, I could never be honest with them about much of my life, especially anything work related. And yet I could never even say that to them.
Of my two very close friends who were at that church, one had been a friend long before I was in that position - or before either of us were at that church. Like me, she grew up in a 'church mafia family' (And by that, no, not one of those twisted churches like stories have been recounted here, but one who grew up in the church, with family on staff or very visible in the church, going back generations - meaning church was sort of 'in our blood.') She knew that being in ministry doesn't mean that you've got everything all together, that your life is wrapped up with a pretty little bow, and she understood that
being in ministry is hard.
Being in full-time ministry great and also
so incredibly difficult, something so hard to understand from the outside. So often, just attending a church, even being a member and being pretty involved, you just get to see the good/fun/enjoyable side of church, ministry, and all those who work there.
But people in ministry are just like everyone else. People. Imperfect, sinners saved by grace. And that means being in ministry you're just as apt to be hurt as you are in any other situation. But, being in ministry, you also can't share that side of things with most people. And if you do, you often find yourself burned.
It can be an incredibly, incredibly lonely place to be.
The rest of my really close friends? People far, far outside my church 'world.' Yes, nearly all of them shared my faith, because when that's a central part of your life it can be hard if they don't, but they also weren't entwined in the realm that was both my place of employment and my place of fellowship. They weren't people who added to the 'fishbowl' effect of being in a visible ministry role, but they were people who knew the intimate details of my life because of my choice to let them really know me and speak into my life.
When life gets hard, even when you're in ministry in a visible position, you find out a lot about who your real friends are.
And sometimes you find out how few most of those you thought were actually really are...whether life gets hard because crap happens, as it does to everyone, or because of physical illness, or mental illness, or emotional illness, or because of consequences of your own decisions.
I have no idea what's really going on with Hope, but I hope that, like me, she had other real friends outside of her church 'world' where she could be honest about what was going on in her heart, her marriage, her ministry, all aspects of her life.
