PTSD sufferers - please post here

[Beccaboo]

Hello, I have C-PTSD and have loads of fog!
My childhood memories are foggy and clear at the same time. It might not be exactly the same for everyone

I also have c-ptsd and also a dissociative disorder. I have memory gaps so I can understand not remembering, but in Jodi's case she "remembers" every little detail that might benefit her and only has the fog when it benedits her. I could have worded what I said better. I do not believe selective fog is a ptsd symptom.

 

[Gecko100]

I also have c-ptsd and also a dissociative disorder. I have memory gaps so I can understand not remembering, but in Jodi's case she "remembers" every little detail that might benefit her and only has the fog when it benedits her. I could have worded what I said better. I do not believe selective fog is a ptsd symptom.

Sorry to know how badly you are affected
I can agree with you in part, and don't want to debate JA in here, but denial can play huge part in self protection, just from my own pov, because it the truth is so hurtful.

 

[buckeyefan1]

I have PTSD which I really didn't know I had until about 8 years ago. I am 65. I along with my 2 sisters were molested by my father for years. When we finally got the courage to tell our mom she said we were lying because we wanted to break up their marriage. I think that hurt as bad as the abuse. My sister tried to tell a principal but he accused her of lying and treated us all like we had cooties after that. Why I said I didn't know I had PTSD for a long time was because about 8 years ago a neighbor who I was doing a favor for (I stayed with his elderly wife while he went to a ball game with his son) decided to pin me against the back door and screen door when I was leaving and began to grope my breasts and my private area. He had me pinned so tightly that I couldn't catch my breath. He came over the next day with cake and apologized to me and my husband. I could not accept his apology and hated him until I finally realized the hate was hurting me more than him. He lied to everyone and told them I was the liar. I would go off on him and his wife when they were outside. I was glad I did in a way because she told me she believed me. They did their own harassing of us of course too. I told the women neighbors who lived by him because I wanted to let them know they had a pervert living by them and to watch out for him. When they called the police on me one time the cop said can't you forgive him? I was also told it was not Gross Sexual Imposition. My husband and I listen to the news at night and hear someone has been arrested for GSI for far less than he did to me and just shake our heads. Anyway, I didn't realize I had the PTSD until that happened I couldn't understand why I was going off of the deep end over it. This trial made me realize why. My dad's actions have affected sisters and I all of these years. Sorry, I didn't mean to go so long. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Gecko100]

Hello everyone, how are you all, coping well I hope

Recently I noticed that a person who had posted about their awful experiences had them questioned and rejected. That person no longer posts here, and for all I know could be feeling quite terrible right now.
I just wanted to say that I am not part of that behaviour and to make it clear that I take everybody's subjective experiences seriously. We all experience and interpret things differently based on our own life experiences and worldview.
What might be painful or memorable for some, might not be for others. It really doesn't matter what the originating trauma was, what we do share in common is varying levels of symptoms memories, fogs, amnesias, shakings, insomnias, depressions, fears, anxieties bed wettings etc. no-one is right in their symptoms and no-one is wrong. It's just varies from person to person.
I for one, would like to keep disagreements about symptoms out of this dialogue, because people come here exceptionally bravely to tell their stories, and feel some level of connection and 'normality' with others, it's the trauma that binds us together.
I believe it is very important to be 'heard', and I wanted to make doubly sure that everybody knows that I can hear them, and that I can understand their pain, because I feel it too

 

[TryingtoHeal]

Not sure if this is the right place to post. I had written a long post and since I have never posted before I hit post Reply above and lost it all. I am glad it happened because I was writing it on the story of the 12 yr. old boy who killed his 8 yr, old sister.
I am new to all this "sleuthing" and/or real crime stories. This is my first post.
I am a 43 yr. old women. A wife & mother to 7 & grandmother to 3 and 1 on the way. Yeah, that's a lot. Well, I am suffering from PTSD right now. I had PTSD after my first marriage of 4 yrs. My ex husband was abusive and I was able to get away with my 2 son's & my life when we went to a secret battered women's shelter. Years later I wrote to my now husband for several years and got to know him again as a friend. We knew each other as youth. We married in 93...20 years ago. He adopted my oldest son's and they became "our" son's. I had problems with PCOS and couldn't have anymore children. We decided to go into foster care(I was in school for social work)so after 5 yrs. of marriage we got our first foster child. She was 10 months old. We adopted her since her birth mother went to prison for 7 yrs. Well, the birth mother went to prison 1 month pregnant. She was shackled to the hospital bed when she gave birth to a baby boy that we ended up getting when he was 15 mo.'s old(we were suppose to get him at birth but didn't(long story)but we did want to have him at birth...sure would have been better for him. Anyway, we adopted him as well. We were foster parents for 12 years. We had 65 toddlers & babies...oh the stories I could tell...anyway, 5 years ago in 2008 we got a sib group that was 2 1/2(boy) 12mo.(girl) newborn(boy). We adopted them in 2010.
So this is how my family stands now.
Children: Boy-25, Boy-24, Girl-15, Boy-14, Boy-7, Girl-6(mentally 2 with problems & non verbal)Boy-5.
Grandchildren: Girl-4, Boy-2, Boy -1, Pregnant(not sure boy or girl) 2 children from oldest son 2 children from 2nd son.
Well, Our girl 15 & boy 14 have lots of problems. Jodi Arias reminds me of my daughter who is 15. In Sep. of last year her behavior was so bad we had her move into my husbands mother's home(no other children or adults, just them 2)that was such a hard decision but it was needed for all involved. We have a home that has 3 bedrooms upstairs & 3 bedrooms downstairs so when Girl-15 lived here she, Boy-14(then 13) and Boy-7 all had bedrooms downstairs. Then we moved her to Grandma's house and it was just Boy-14 & Boy -7 that had bedrooms downstairs. I noticed somethings not right and in Dec. 2012 talked with Boy-7 and he confided in me that boy -14 was hitting him AND he had raped & sodomized him. I woke my husband, it was late at night about bedtime when I felt I needed to talk to Boy-7 about things that just didn't add up in my mind as I laid there before bed. Well, anyway I had Boy-7 stay with me as i woke my husband and told him what I had just learned. My husband an I then helped Boy-7 to bed and assured him he was safe now. We had Boy-14 come up to talk. My husband is an attorney and I have been deposed in several cases with children we have had as foster children plus we have had many hours of training and we talk with Boy-14 and he admitted "some" of what Boy-7 said. Enough that we called the police and he was arrested that night...Dec. 12th. Then my Boy-7, my husband & I all went to the police station. Our oldest son't & their wives came to be at the house and care for our special needs daughter & 5 yr. old son. My husband had a trial he had to attend with the supreme court in the early morning so for part of the night her was there and then I was on my own from about 6 am until 4:30 pm. I was in the interrogation room with Boy-14. I was also with Boy-7 at the hospital when they did the sexual assault exam on him. Luckily I had talked with Boy-7 that night because a lot of the evidence would NOT have been there the next day according to the examiners. I felt like there was some sexual assult that happened to our daughter that was 5 at the time and non-verbal...she would be the "perfect" victum if you will because she can not speak and has mental retardation so she doesn't even undersatnd if you were to ask her anything she would not just point to him or anything. Well, Boy-14 denied anything with her but he also denied anything with Boy-5 which after Voy-14 was in jaill for about 4 or 5 days I think Boy's-7 &5 felt safe and it came out from both boys what he had done to Boy-5. Boy-14 had come up stairs and gotten him out of his bed and brought him down stairs on at least 2 occations. Anyway. I am dealing with so many emotions right now. I have shut down several times. I know this sounds weird but I only started geting out of my own reality when I learned of the Travis Alexander murder. I have been consumed by the trial. I recently got HLN. I have been trying to figure out Evil. I have joined different sites or forums or just read articles trying to sort all this out. I have seen the hate towards Arias' mother. There are very few who know Boy-14 is even in jail and even fewer who know why. My husbands family all know why. My sister(my best friend) and my mom know on my side, that is it. I have 4 brothers & 3 sisters and both parents alive. I am very ashamed. I am so glad my life is not posted out there like the family with the Boy-12 who killed his sister 8. I was going to write on that thread. Then I lost my post & refreshed and RIGHT THERE there is a women claiming to be the mother of these children's "friend" as she listens to this women's pain supports her and hugs her BUT says she want to know what she CAN say about her. Then you have another person saying,"you are a good friend" To me "good Friends" don't hug you and comfort you and then go on a forum and tell all your secrets. Anyway, I feel that this type of judgement keeps people from telling others. My sister & mother in laws first questions(both separate)were "why did you call the police?" Are you kidding me. I have night mare, I can't, sleep, I have flashbacks of what was said in that interrogation room. I have 3 children still at home that I have a tough time feeling I can be close with them. I am so sad. My son sets in jail and we go to court June 4th. I have not went to any of the courts. I have only visited him once and written once. I haven't left the house in 6 weeks. So that's my story. Maybe I am in the wrong place, I don't know. I do know there is not a place for those who have family that has done horrible things to other family members to go for support. I don't feel like I can get support anywhere. I'm sure many will judge me just from this post who don't even know me. None of this helps me with my PTSD. I really feel I have no one & no where to turn.

 

[Linda7NJ]

Not sure if this is the right place to post. I had written a long post and since I have never posted before I hit post Reply above and lost it all. I am glad it happened because I was writing it on the story of the 12 yr. old boy who killed his 8 yr, old sister.
I am new to all this "sleuthing" and/or real crime stories. This is my first post.
I am a 43 yr. old women. A wife & mother to 7 & grandmother to 3 and 1 on the way. Yeah, that's a lot. Well, I am suffering from PTSD right now. I had PTSD after my first marriage of 4 yrs. My ex husband was abusive and I was able to get away with my 2 son's & my life when we went to a secret battered women's shelter. Years later I wrote to my now husband for several years and got to know him again as a friend. We knew each other as youth. We married in 93...20 years ago. He adopted my oldest son's and they became "our" son's. I had problems with PCOS and couldn't have anymore children. We decided to go into foster care(I was in school for social work)so after 5 yrs. of marriage we got our first foster child. She was 10 months old. We adopted her since her birth mother went to prison for 7 yrs. Well, the birth mother went to prison 1 month pregnant. She was shackled to the hospital bed when she gave birth to a baby boy that we ended up getting when he was 15 mo.'s old(we were suppose to get him at birth but didn't(long story)but we did want to have him at birth...sure would have been better for him. Anyway, we adopted him as well. We were foster parents for 12 years. We had 65 toddlers & babies...oh the stories I could tell...anyway, 5 years ago in 2008 we got a sib group that was 2 1/2(boy) 12mo.(girl) newborn(boy). We adopted them in 2010.
So this is how my family stands now.
Children: Boy-25, Boy-24, Girl-15, Boy-14, Boy-7, Girl-6(mentally 2 with problems & non verbal)Boy-5.
Grandchildren: Girl-4, Boy-2, Boy -1, Pregnant(not sure boy or girl) 2 children from oldest son 2 children from 2nd son.
Well, Our girl 15 & boy 14 have lots of problems. Jodi Arias reminds me of my daughter who is 15. In Sep. of last year her behavior was so bad we had her move into my husbands mother's home(no other children or adults, just them 2)that was such a hard decision but it was needed for all involved. We have a home that has 3 bedrooms upstairs & 3 bedrooms downstairs so when Girl-15 lived here she, Boy-14(then 13) and Boy-7 all had bedrooms downstairs. Then we moved her to Grandma's house and it was just Boy-14 & Boy -7 that had bedrooms downstairs. I noticed somethings not right and in Dec. 2012 talked with Boy-7 and he confided in me that boy -14 was hitting him AND he had raped & sodomized him. I woke my husband, it was late at night about bedtime when I felt I needed to talk to Boy-7 about things that just didn't add up in my mind as I laid there before bed. Well, anyway I had Boy-7 stay with me as i woke my husband and told him what I had just learned. My husband an I then helped Boy-7 to bed and assured him he was safe now. We had Boy-14 come up to talk. My husband is an attorney and I have been deposed in several cases with children we have had as foster children plus we have had many hours of training and we talk with Boy-14 and he admitted "some" of what Boy-7 said. Enough that we called the police and he was arrested that night...Dec. 12th. Then my Boy-7, my husband & I all went to the police station. Our oldest son't & their wives came to be at the house and care for our special needs daughter & 5 yr. old son. My husband had a trial he had to attend with the supreme court in the early morning so for part of the night her was there and then I was on my own from about 6 am until 4:30 pm. I was in the interrogation room with Boy-14. I was also with Boy-7 at the hospital when they did the sexual assault exam on him. Luckily I had talked with Boy-7 that night because a lot of the evidence would NOT have been there the next day according to the examiners. I felt like there was some sexual assult that happened to our daughter that was 5 at the time and non-verbal...she would be the "perfect" victum if you will because she can not speak and has mental retardation so she doesn't even undersatnd if you were to ask her anything she would not just point to him or anything. Well, Boy-14 denied anything with her but he also denied anything with Boy-5 which after Voy-14 was in jaill for about 4 or 5 days I think Boy's-7 &5 felt safe and it came out from both boys what he had done to Boy-5. Boy-14 had come up stairs and gotten him out of his bed and brought him down stairs on at least 2 occations. Anyway. I am dealing with so many emotions right now. I have shut down several times. I know this sounds weird but I only started geting out of my own reality when I learned of the Travis Alexander murder. I have been consumed by the trial. I recently got HLN. I have been trying to figure out Evil. I have joined different sites or forums or just read articles trying to sort all this out. I have seen the hate towards Arias' mother. There are very few who know Boy-14 is even in jail and even fewer who know why. My husbands family all know why. My sister(my best friend) and my mom know on my side, that is it. I have 4 brothers & 3 sisters and both parents alive. I am very ashamed. I am so glad my life is not posted out there like the family with the Boy-12 who killed his sister 8. I was going to write on that thread. Then I lost my post & refreshed and RIGHT THERE there is a women claiming to be the mother of these children's "friend" as she listens to this women's pain supports her and hugs her BUT says she want to know what she CAN say about her. Then you have another person saying,"you are a good friend" To me "good Friends" don't hug you and comfort you and then go on a forum and tell all your secrets. Anyway, I feel that this type of judgement keeps people from telling others. My sister & mother in laws first questions(both separate)were "why did you call the police?" Are you kidding me. I have night mare, I can't, sleep, I have flashbacks of what was said in that interrogation room. I have 3 children still at home that I have a tough time feeling I can be close with them. I am so sad. My son sets in jail and we go to court June 4th. I have not went to any of the courts. I have only visited him once and written once. I haven't left the house in 6 weeks. So that's my story. Maybe I am in the wrong place, I don't know. I do know there is not a place for those who have family that has done horrible things to other family members to go for support. I don't feel like I can get support anywhere. I'm sure many will judge me just from this post who don't even know me. None of this helps me with my PTSD. I really feel I have no one & no where to turn.

Please check your pm


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[Gecko100]

Not sure if this is the right place to post. I had written a long post and since I have never posted before I hit post Reply above and lost it all. I am glad it happened because I was writing it on the story of the 12 yr. old boy who killed his 8 yr, old sister.
I am new to all this "sleuthing" and/or real crime stories. This is my first post.
I am a 43 yr. old women. A wife & mother to 7 & grandmother to 3 and 1 on the way. Yeah, that's a lot. Well, I am suffering from PTSD right now. I had PTSD after my first marriage of 4 yrs. My ex husband was abusive and I was able to get away with my 2 son's & my life when we went to a secret battered women's shelter. Years later I wrote to my now husband for several years and got to know him again as a friend. We knew each other as youth. We married in 93...20 years ago. He adopted my oldest son's and they became "our" son's. I had problems with PCOS and couldn't have anymore children. We decided to go into foster care(I was in school for social work)so after 5 yrs. of marriage we got our first foster child. She was 10 months old. We adopted her since her birth mother went to prison for 7 yrs. Well, the birth mother went to prison 1 month pregnant. She was shackled to the hospital bed when she gave birth to a baby boy that we ended up getting when he was 15 mo.'s old(we were suppose to get him at birth but didn't(long story)but we did want to have him at birth...sure would have been better for him. Anyway, we adopted him as well. We were foster parents for 12 years. We had 65 toddlers & babies...oh the stories I could tell...anyway, 5 years ago in 2008 we got a sib group that was 2 1/2(boy) 12mo.(girl) newborn(boy). We adopted them in 2010.
So this is how my family stands now.
Children: Boy-25, Boy-24, Girl-15, Boy-14, Boy-7, Girl-6(mentally 2 with problems & non verbal)Boy-5.
Grandchildren: Girl-4, Boy-2, Boy -1, Pregnant(not sure boy or girl) 2 children from oldest son 2 children from 2nd son.
Well, Our girl 15 & boy 14 have lots of problems. Jodi Arias reminds me of my daughter who is 15. In Sep. of last year her behavior was so bad we had her move into my husbands mother's home(no other children or adults, just them 2)that was such a hard decision but it was needed for all involved. We have a home that has 3 bedrooms upstairs & 3 bedrooms downstairs so when Girl-15 lived here she, Boy-14(then 13) and Boy-7 all had bedrooms downstairs. Then we moved her to Grandma's house and it was just Boy-14 & Boy -7 that had bedrooms downstairs. I noticed somethings not right and in Dec. 2012 talked with Boy-7 and he confided in me that boy -14 was hitting him AND he had raped & sodomized him. I woke my husband, it was late at night about bedtime when I felt I needed to talk to Boy-7 about things that just didn't add up in my mind as I laid there before bed. Well, anyway I had Boy-7 stay with me as i woke my husband and told him what I had just learned. My husband an I then helped Boy-7 to bed and assured him he was safe now. We had Boy-14 come up to talk. My husband is an attorney and I have been deposed in several cases with children we have had as foster children plus we have had many hours of training and we talk with Boy-14 and he admitted "some" of what Boy-7 said. Enough that we called the police and he was arrested that night...Dec. 12th. Then my Boy-7, my husband & I all went to the police station. Our oldest son't & their wives came to be at the house and care for our special needs daughter & 5 yr. old son. My husband had a trial he had to attend with the supreme court in the early morning so for part of the night her was there and then I was on my own from about 6 am until 4:30 pm. I was in the interrogation room with Boy-14. I was also with Boy-7 at the hospital when they did the sexual assault exam on him. Luckily I had talked with Boy-7 that night because a lot of the evidence would NOT have been there the next day according to the examiners. I felt like there was some sexual assult that happened to our daughter that was 5 at the time and non-verbal...she would be the "perfect" victum if you will because she can not speak and has mental retardation so she doesn't even undersatnd if you were to ask her anything she would not just point to him or anything. Well, Boy-14 denied anything with her but he also denied anything with Boy-5 which after Voy-14 was in jaill for about 4 or 5 days I think Boy's-7 &5 felt safe and it came out from both boys what he had done to Boy-5. Boy-14 had come up stairs and gotten him out of his bed and brought him down stairs on at least 2 occations. Anyway. I am dealing with so many emotions right now. I have shut down several times. I know this sounds weird but I only started geting out of my own reality when I learned of the Travis Alexander murder. I have been consumed by the trial. I recently got HLN. I have been trying to figure out Evil. I have joined different sites or forums or just read articles trying to sort all this out. I have seen the hate towards Arias' mother. There are very few who know Boy-14 is even in jail and even fewer who know why. My husbands family all know why. My sister(my best friend) and my mom know on my side, that is it. I have 4 brothers & 3 sisters and both parents alive. I am very ashamed. I am so glad my life is not posted out there like the family with the Boy-12 who killed his sister 8. I was going to write on that thread. Then I lost my post & refreshed and RIGHT THERE there is a women claiming to be the mother of these children's "friend" as she listens to this women's pain supports her and hugs her BUT says she want to know what she CAN say about her. Then you have another person saying,"you are a good friend" To me "good Friends" don't hug you and comfort you and then go on a forum and tell all your secrets. Anyway, I feel that this type of judgement keeps people from telling others. My sister & mother in laws first questions(both separate)were "why did you call the police?" Are you kidding me. I have night mare, I can't, sleep, I have flashbacks of what was said in that interrogation room. I have 3 children still at home that I have a tough time feeling I can be close with them. I am so sad. My son sets in jail and we go to court June 4th. I have not went to any of the courts. I have only visited him once and written once. I haven't left the house in 6 weeks. So that's my story. Maybe I am in the wrong place, I don't know. I do know there is not a place for those who have family that has done horrible things to other family members to go for support. I don't feel like I can get support anywhere. I'm sure many will judge me just from this post who don't even know me. None of this helps me with my PTSD. I really feel I have no one & no where to turn.

Welcome, and don't feel judged, it is what it is. Good for you for feeling brave enough to share it.
You have many many jumbles of things to sort out, and I hope you are seeing someone professionally to help you break it down into smaller chunks to manage.
You do need professional support.
One of the things you can see on here, is that people can and do move on little by little. It takes enormous courage to make changes for the better and our own emotional growth, and it's not easy by any means, but it is the only thing you can do. What other people do or say is irrelevant because you need to fix you!
Many of us don't leave the house, it's to be expected.
Lots of people have posted about what has helped them, so I hope you read them and can relax a little and get some peace of mind.
Your story will resonate with many who have worked in the foster care system. It's jolly hard work repairing badly damaged children, you didn't damage them, their parent's did.
I did the same as you and am a social worker too, and you had to do what you did.

 

[ella971]

Welcome, and don't feel judged, it is what it is. Good for you for feeling brave enough to share it.
You have many many jumbles of things to sort out, and I hope you are seeing someone professionally to help you break it down into smaller chunks to manage.
You do need professional support.
One of the things you can see on here, is that people can and do move on little by little. It takes enormous courage to make changes for the better and our own emotional growth, and it's not easy by any means, but it is the only thing you can do. What other people do or say is irrelevant because you need to fix you!
Many of us don't leave the house, it's to be expected.
Lots of people have posted about what has helped them, so I hope you read them and can relax a little and get some peace of mind.
Great post. I suffer from PTSD as well and what you just said about breaking it down is what works for me. Baby steps small things that you can do in each moment. Sending positive energy to all of you.

 

[Tulessa]

Not sure if this is the right place to post. I had written a long post and since I have never posted before I hit post Reply above and lost it all. I am glad it happened because I was writing it on the story of the 12 yr. old boy who killed his 8 yr, old sister.
I am new to all this "sleuthing" and/or real crime stories. This is my first post.
I am a 43 yr. old women. A wife & mother to 7 & grandmother to 3 and 1 on the way. Yeah, that's a lot. Well, I am suffering from PTSD right now. I had PTSD after my first marriage of 4 yrs. My ex husband was abusive and I was able to get away with my 2 son's & my life when we went to a secret battered women's shelter. Years later I wrote to my now husband for several years and got to know him again as a friend. We knew each other as youth. We married in 93...20 years ago. He adopted my oldest son's and they became "our" son's. I had problems with PCOS and couldn't have anymore children. We decided to go into foster care(I was in school for social work)so after 5 yrs. of marriage we got our first foster child. She was 10 months old. We adopted her since her birth mother went to prison for 7 yrs. Well, the birth mother went to prison 1 month pregnant. She was shackled to the hospital bed when she gave birth to a baby boy that we ended up getting when he was 15 mo.'s old(we were suppose to get him at birth but didn't(long story)but we did want to have him at birth...sure would have been better for him. Anyway, we adopted him as well. We were foster parents for 12 years. We had 65 toddlers & babies...oh the stories I could tell...anyway, 5 years ago in 2008 we got a sib group that was 2 1/2(boy) 12mo.(girl) newborn(boy). We adopted them in 2010.
So this is how my family stands now.
Children: Boy-25, Boy-24, Girl-15, Boy-14, Boy-7, Girl-6(mentally 2 with problems & non verbal)Boy-5.
Grandchildren: Girl-4, Boy-2, Boy -1, Pregnant(not sure boy or girl) 2 children from oldest son 2 children from 2nd son.
Well, Our girl 15 & boy 14 have lots of problems. Jodi Arias reminds me of my daughter who is 15. In Sep. of last year her behavior was so bad we had her move into my husbands mother's home(no other children or adults, just them 2)that was such a hard decision but it was needed for all involved. We have a home that has 3 bedrooms upstairs & 3 bedrooms downstairs so when Girl-15 lived here she, Boy-14(then 13) and Boy-7 all had bedrooms downstairs. Then we moved her to Grandma's house and it was just Boy-14 & Boy -7 that had bedrooms downstairs. I noticed somethings not right and in Dec. 2012 talked with Boy-7 and he confided in me that boy -14 was hitting him AND he had raped & sodomized him. I woke my husband, it was late at night about bedtime when I felt I needed to talk to Boy-7 about things that just didn't add up in my mind as I laid there before bed. Well, anyway I had Boy-7 stay with me as i woke my husband and told him what I had just learned. My husband an I then helped Boy-7 to bed and assured him he was safe now. We had Boy-14 come up to talk. My husband is an attorney and I have been deposed in several cases with children we have had as foster children plus we have had many hours of training and we talk with Boy-14 and he admitted "some" of what Boy-7 said. Enough that we called the police and he was arrested that night...Dec. 12th. Then my Boy-7, my husband & I all went to the police station. Our oldest son't & their wives came to be at the house and care for our special needs daughter & 5 yr. old son. My husband had a trial he had to attend with the supreme court in the early morning so for part of the night her was there and then I was on my own from about 6 am until 4:30 pm. I was in the interrogation room with Boy-14. I was also with Boy-7 at the hospital when they did the sexual assault exam on him. Luckily I had talked with Boy-7 that night because a lot of the evidence would NOT have been there the next day according to the examiners. I felt like there was some sexual assult that happened to our daughter that was 5 at the time and non-verbal...she would be the "perfect" victum if you will because she can not speak and has mental retardation so she doesn't even undersatnd if you were to ask her anything she would not just point to him or anything. Well, Boy-14 denied anything with her but he also denied anything with Boy-5 which after Voy-14 was in jaill for about 4 or 5 days I think Boy's-7 &5 felt safe and it came out from both boys what he had done to Boy-5. Boy-14 had come up stairs and gotten him out of his bed and brought him down stairs on at least 2 occations. Anyway. I am dealing with so many emotions right now. I have shut down several times. I know this sounds weird but I only started geting out of my own reality when I learned of the Travis Alexander murder. I have been consumed by the trial. I recently got HLN. I have been trying to figure out Evil. I have joined different sites or forums or just read articles trying to sort all this out. I have seen the hate towards Arias' mother. There are very few who know Boy-14 is even in jail and even fewer who know why. My husbands family all know why. My sister(my best friend) and my mom know on my side, that is it. I have 4 brothers & 3 sisters and both parents alive. I am very ashamed. I am so glad my life is not posted out there like the family with the Boy-12 who killed his sister 8. I was going to write on that thread. Then I lost my post & refreshed and RIGHT THERE there is a women claiming to be the mother of these children's "friend" as she listens to this women's pain supports her and hugs her BUT says she want to know what she CAN say about her. Then you have another person saying,"you are a good friend" To me "good Friends" don't hug you and comfort you and then go on a forum and tell all your secrets. Anyway, I feel that this type of judgement keeps people from telling others. My sister & mother in laws first questions(both separate)were "why did you call the police?" Are you kidding me. I have night mare, I can't, sleep, I have flashbacks of what was said in that interrogation room. I have 3 children still at home that I have a tough time feeling I can be close with them. I am so sad. My son sets in jail and we go to court June 4th. I have not went to any of the courts. I have only visited him once and written once. I haven't left the house in 6 weeks. So that's my story. Maybe I am in the wrong place, I don't know. I do know there is not a place for those who have family that has done horrible things to other family members to go for support. I don't feel like I can get support anywhere. I'm sure many will judge me just from this post who don't even know me. None of this helps me with my PTSD. I really feel I have no one & no where to turn.

This has absolutely broken my heart. How I wish I could reach through the web and hug you. You, my friend, are a strong woman! I am a survivor from a crime . My brother and his wife were brutally murdered in 2008 (thread is in my siggy below). Through the grace of God, I have been able to forgive the murderer. I think you will be surprised at the support you will receive here. I was ! And now I am a happy WS camper.

 

[Ausgirl]

I'm a survivor of childhood abuse, rape and neglect. I was molested by a variety of adults in my life, and also had several extremely traumatic events happen to me as an adult.

I'm missing large chunks of time from my childhood, and I don't know how many times I've mentioned this (to healthcare professionals) and been scoffed at 'Oh, well, nobody remembers everything". Yeah, that's a help.

Anyway, I began to recover bits of that time (not all, thank goodness) when my daughter reached the ages I was during that missing time, which I assume was when the abuse was at its worst. I'd wake up in the night sweating, in the middle of a flashback, bewildered at 'knowing' things that as far I could recall never happened, or happened differently to what I did recall. I felt like I was dying or going to have a heart attack.

I also developed hyper-vigilance over my daughter, and had daily panic attacks when she was out of my sight for even a moment. One day I went to give her a bath and couldn't look at her without feeling physically sick --- it was a really terrible way to feel, and I was horribly confused and guilty about that, no mother should have to feel that way about their child.

That's when I started researching and read about DID and PTSD. I had a lot of the symptoms. It made me feel so much better to understand what was happening to me, and it helped me get most of it under control.

I suddenly realised that I was 'put together' very differently from most other people, though I generally didn't feel abnormal (even though I worked as a medium! This was very ordinary and normal to me! ). Like, most people don't 'faze out' and find themselves places they don't recall walking to, etc. I did that a LOT as a kid, rarely as an adult. I also would black out when I drank and become 'somebody else' that my friends didn't know (several 'somebodies' actually, but always the same ones, one had a thick British accent and a laugh that wasn't mine) - but apparently was the life of the party and completely rational, when I ought to have been fall-down drunk if I was awake at the time. I had NO idea this was going on, mostly I'd assume I'd gone to bed early, even recalled saying 'goodnight' a few times - and people would tell me how I got up, got changed, put my 'face' back on and partied til dawn, and how weird it was that I was sober ten minutes after stumbling off to bed (This was in my late teens/20's, party time, spare cash, no kids.. JFYI, I don't drink like this anymore!)

I did reach out for professional help later in life (once the flashbacks started) but the attitude toward PTSD, DID and survivors of child abuse here is just bloody appalling. I won't go on about all the things that were said/ assumed about me and how hurtful they were... but yeah, I quit reaching out after a while and dealt with it myself.

The symptoms all but went away once my daughter reached the age where I removed myself from the abusive situation.

I feel for every single one of the survivors who've posted here. Love to you, I hope all is well in your world today.

 

[ella971]

I'm a survivor of childhood abuse, rape and neglect. I was molested by a variety of adults in my life, and also had several extremely traumatic events happen to me as an adult.

I'm missing large chunks of time from my childhood, and I don't know how many times I've mentioned this (to healthcare professionals) and been scoffed at 'Oh, well, nobody remembers everything". Yeah, that's a help.

Anyway, I began to recover bits of that time (not all, thank goodness) when my daughter reached the ages I was during that missing time, which I assume was when the abuse was at its worst. I'd wake up in the night sweating, in the middle of a flashback, bewildered at 'knowing' things that as far I could recall never happened, or happened differently to what I did recall. I felt like I was dying or going to have a heart attack.

I also developed hyper-vigilance over my daughter, and had daily panic attacks when she was out of my sight for even a moment. One day I went to give her a bath and couldn't look at her without feeling physically sick --- it was a really terrible way to feel, and I was horribly confused and guilty about that, no mother should have to feel that way about their child.

That's when I started researching and read about DID and PTSD. I had a lot of the symptoms. It made me feel so much better to understand what was happening to me, and it helped me get most of it under control.

I suddenly realised that I was 'put together' very differently from most other people, though I generally didn't feel abnormal (even though I worked as a medium! This was very ordinary and normal to me! ). Like, most people don't 'faze out' and find themselves places they don't recall walking to, etc. I did that a LOT as a kid, rarely as an adult. I also would black out when I drank and become 'somebody else' that my friends didn't know (several 'somebodies' actually, but always the same ones, one had a thick British accent and a laugh that wasn't mine) - but apparently was the life of the party and completely rational, when I ought to have been fall-down drunk if I was awake at the time. I had NO idea this was going on, mostly I'd assume I'd gone to bed early, even recalled saying 'goodnight' a few times - and people would tell me how I got up, got changed, put my 'face' back on and partied til dawn, and how weird it was that I was sober ten minutes after stumbling off to bed (This was in my late teens/20's, party time, spare cash, no kids.. JFYI, I don't drink like this anymore!)

I did reach out for professional help later in life (once the flashbacks started) but the attitude toward PTSD, DID and survivors of child abuse here is just bloody appalling. I won't go on about all the things that were said/ assumed about me and how hurtful they were... but yeah, I quit reaching out after a while and dealt with it myself.

The symptoms all but went away once my daughter reached the age where I removed myself from the abusive situation.

I feel for every single one of the survivors who've posted here. Love to you, I hope all is well in your world today.

Thank You for sharing your story and I'm sorry. I can relate and I'm having a wobbly couple of days anxiety wise. Thank You.

 

[Ausgirl]

Exactly!! I have never understood how Jodi coukd have fog and PTSD. PTSD my its very definition is the inability to escape the memories and flashbacks. How can you experience the symptoms of PTSD without a memory of what gave it to you? I am 40 years old. I haven't seen my father in 15 years and I had extensive treatment and I still have flashbacks usually triggered by something as simple as a smell. But if I didn't remember the abuse, how could that same smell trigger me? That is why what Dr. Sammuals bugged me so much. What he said made 0 sense!

(bbm)

Not being snarky in correcting you, but it IS possible to be triggered without having ANY idea of why, and with NO memory of the event that caused the trauma.

This happened to me for years until I was capable of handling the specific memories causing the triggering, which returned as flashbacks in my adult life.

When a mind is traumatised enough, it breaks the memories up and stores them somewhere 'safe'. Mine returned when my daughter reached the same ages I was when abused - but my life was safe and I was stable enough to deal with them without feeling like I would die (though the flashbacks did feel that way sometimes).

Jodi's full of BS and her lawyer's trying to save her guilty *advertiser censored*. I really hate when PTSD and DID are used as a defense, let alone an insanity defense! It paints the real survivors in a very bad light and leads to detrimental assumptions.

Somebody wise told me some years ago that DID and PTSD are NOT mental illnesses, but essential survival mechanisms which are only a problem when we don't need them anymore but they show up anyway. That thought helped a me a lot in my healing process.

ETA: ella, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Deep breaths, be kind to yourself, and remember all's safe now. ((safe hug))

 

[Gecko100]

I'm a survivor of childhood abuse, rape and neglect. I was molested by a variety of adults in my life, and also had several extremely traumatic events happen to me as an adult.

I'm missing large chunks of time from my childhood, and I don't know how many times I've mentioned this (to healthcare professionals) and been scoffed at 'Oh, well, nobody remembers everything". Yeah, that's a help.

Anyway, I began to recover bits of that time (not all, thank goodness) when my daughter reached the ages I was during that missing time, which I assume was when the abuse was at its worst. I'd wake up in the night sweating, in the middle of a flashback, bewildered at 'knowing' things that as far I could recall never happened, or happened differently to what I did recall. I felt like I was dying or going to have a heart attack.

I also developed hyper-vigilance over my daughter, and had daily panic attacks when she was out of my sight for even a moment. One day I went to give her a bath and couldn't look at her without feeling physically sick --- it was a really terrible way to feel, and I was horribly confused and guilty about that, no mother should have to feel that way about their child.

That's when I started researching and read about DID and PTSD. I had a lot of the symptoms. It made me feel so much better to understand what was happening to me, and it helped me get most of it under control.

I suddenly realised that I was 'put together' very differently from most other people, though I generally didn't feel abnormal (even though I worked as a medium! This was very ordinary and normal to me! ). Like, most people don't 'faze out' and find themselves places they don't recall walking to, etc. I did that a LOT as a kid, rarely as an adult. I also would black out when I drank and become 'somebody else' that my friends didn't know (several 'somebodies' actually, but always the same ones, one had a thick British accent and a laugh that wasn't mine) - but apparently was the life of the party and completely rational, when I ought to have been fall-down drunk if I was awake at the time. I had NO idea this was going on, mostly I'd assume I'd gone to bed early, even recalled saying 'goodnight' a few times - and people would tell me how I got up, got changed, put my 'face' back on and partied til dawn, and how weird it was that I was sober ten minutes after stumbling off to bed (This was in my late teens/20's, party time, spare cash, no kids.. JFYI, I don't drink like this anymore!)

I did reach out for professional help later in life (once the flashbacks started) but the attitude toward PTSD, DID and survivors of child abuse here is just bloody appalling. I won't go on about all the things that were said/ assumed about me and how hurtful they were... but yeah, I quit reaching out after a while and dealt with it myself.

The symptoms all but went away once my daughter reached the age where I removed myself from the abusive situation.

I feel for every single one of the survivors who've posted here. Love to you, I hope all is well in your world today.

Thank-you for your post, and as another from your neck of the woods, I agree that the counselling situation is woeful. I was lucky enough to find a therapist with PTSD, and enough nous to know that the basic relationship is crucial to our healing the very first thing we learn in life, -trust vs mistrust. I'm not sure why other therapists don't get it, it's very simple, because once that is established it get's a lot easier to disclose very troubling issues. I have C-PTSD, from a combination of early life experiences, and work trauma. I had big gaps in my memory which are now much clearer. Hope you are doing well

 

[buckeyefan1]

I have read each and everyone of the posts in this thread. I have cried for all who have suffered so. God bless everyone of you.

When reading all of the heartbreaking stories I was hesitant to post about mine. So it has taken me some time to respond to this thread.

I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused by my father starting at the age of 5 until I was almost 16 years old. I was a shy child, very timid, and totally introverted. I was scared of my own shadow. At that time there was no one to turn to for help. I believed him when he told me he would kill me if I ever told anyone. I also believed him when he said if I did tell... no one would ever believe me. So I protected his secret even after I became a young woman with children of my own. I also believe my mother knew. She had to know. I would cry and beg her not to leave me alone with him but she told me I couldn't go with her and to stay there. That too has caused me such pain and I still ask her 'why?' and she has been deceased since 1987. The answer never comes but it still haunts me.

And like a lot of abuse victims I went on and made a poor choice in my first marriage. He also was very abusive both physically and emotionally. He was a obsessive jealous fanatic to an extreme degree. For years I was so afraid of him that I didn't have the courage or the strength to leave him. By then I was the mother of three beautiful children. But finally after over a decade I did leave him and then the hell really began. He stalked me.......he threatened to kill me and our children.......he beat me senseless and because I feared him so much I never called the police. I had been separated from him 10 months when he came to my apartment and beat me unconscious that time. The children weren't there. My best friend said she kept tying to call me and no answer. She came over and found me on the floor. She called 911 and I was in ICU for three weeks. After then for the very first time in my life a man was held accountable for the abuse I had suffered. It was the turning point in my life.

The nightmares, the flashbacks, the paralyzing fear and scared reaction right out of the blue for no reason, the panic attacks that left me helpless, jumping out of my skin if someone snuck up on me even when playing..was something I had dealt with on my own for many many years.

It wasn't until I was 38 years old that I sought out help. I would have never done so I don't believe if it had not been for the loving man I married two years after my divorce. I had never told a soul what happened to me in my childhood but I knew I could trust those secrets with the man who I trusted with my life. The day I told him he broke down and cried uncontrollably and held me close and for the first time in my life I knew with help I could have a happy life.

So I was in therapy for 8 years to deal with my severe PTSD. I had the best support anyone could be blessed to have. All those years I had thought I would always be alone forever dealing with the nightmares of my past. I wasn't and for that I am truly blessed. Now after so much time has passed, and having a wonderful peaceful, and loving life, I am no longer that child who cried out in the night or the low self esteemed young woman of yesteryears.

I do still have the startled affect. I suppose I will never be able to get past that but all the other symptoms have been put to rest.

I have come to firmly believe that it isn't the past that defines a person. It is the journey they have taken since then that makes them who they become.

God bless you all and sorry for the lengthy post.

Oh my, all sexual abuse is terrible having said that I think when it was our fathers it is particularly horrendous. This person is supposed to protect you from harm not be the instigator of harm. God bless you and know that I am praying for you and ask that you pray for me.

 

[AlwaysShocked]

I am curious as to whether anyone has researched/found any online support for PTSD - other than this thread, I mean.

While I think it is fine for people to post here, I see so many here who obviously need ongoing support/therapy. I suspect there are online support groups for survivors of sexual abuse. So, although the "diagnosis" or outcome of childhood sexual abuse may indeed be PTSD or C-PTSD, if seeking online help these folks would be more likely to find a support community by searching for "childhood sexual abuse" along with "support group" or "forum".

When the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State child abuse scandal surfaced, I found and visited a very informative and supportive site that happened to be dedicated exclusively to male survivors of sexual abuse.

I do hope those who have come to this thread and shared their story will also share with us what they have found to help themselves.


ETA: I got a good laugh from the 65 yr. old who posted "they treated us like we had cooties". Hah, haven't heard that expression in a long,long time. I am close to that age and as a young child in school one of the worst taunts against a child was "Ewwww, so-and-so has COOTIES!".

Cooties, for anyone who does not know, are head lice.

 

[Linda7NJ]

I am curious as to whether anyone has researched/found any online support for PTSD - other than this thread, I mean.

While I think it is fine for people to post here, I see so many here who obviously need ongoing support/therapy. I suspect there are online support groups for survivors of sexual abuse. So, although the "diagnosis" or outcome of childhood sexual abuse may indeed be PTSD or C-PTSD, if seeking online help these folks would be more likely to find a support community by searching for "childhood sexual abuse" along with "support group" or "forum".

When the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State child abuse scandal surfaced, I found and visited a very informative and supportive site that happened to be dedicated exclusively to male survivors of sexual abuse.

I do hope those who have come to this thread and shared their story will also share with us what they have found to help themselves.


ETA: I got a good laugh from the 65 yr. old who posted "they treated us like we had cooties". Hah, haven't heard that expression in a long,long time. I am close to that age and as a young child in school one of the worst taunts against a child was "Ewwww, so-and-so has COOTIES!".

Cooties, for anyone who does not know, are head lice.

Places for men to receive help are so rare. These seems to be a desperate need for men to get together and establish places and campaigns for male issues and supportive services...from sexual abuse, breast cancer, testicular cancer, domestic violence survivors as well as voluntary places for perpetrators to go for help. The stigma needs to stop and that can't happen without supportive services and education.

I'm so happy you were able to find support online. I think it's so important to have support and to know you're not alone.

Sorry for the off topic rant.
The only issue that seems to get attention is prostate cancer.

 

[AlwaysShocked]

Just to clarify, I am not a man. I went to the male survivor site to learn more about the sexual abuse of boys, the grooming, red flags that could indicate an adult predator, etc.

Because I have three grandsons.

 

[Linda7NJ]

Just to clarify, I am not a man. I went to the male survivor site to learn more about the sexual abuse of boys, the grooming, red flags that could indicate an adult predator, etc.

Because I have three grandsons.

That's very smart and proactive!

 

[OEJ]

I atill remember when my therapist told me I had PTSD. She said if I did get well, it would be 3-5 years before I would get better, or I would never get better. I wept when I heard that. I had already suffered so much, and knowing it would be at least three years before I might feel better was so hard to take. Well, it was 5 years. It comes back sometimes in high stress, but never like it was. I shook uncontrollably for a year straight. The person I was before the trauma completely decontructed, and I had to build a whole new person. It was very scary. That was over twenty years ago. I really like who I became.

 

[ella971]

I atill remember when my therapist told me I had PTSD. She said if I did get well, it would be 3-5 years before I would get better, or I would never get better. I wept when I heard that. I had already suffered so much, and knowing it would be at least three years before I might feel better was so hard to take. Well, it was 5 years. It comes back sometimes in high stress, but never like it was. I shook uncontrollably for a year straight. The person I was before the trauma completely decontructed, and I had to build a whole new person. It was very scary. That was over twenty years ago. I really like who I became.

This is hopeful to me. Thank You