Is it fair to say that when the child is an only child and very young it is easy for the parents to give in to every whim or desire BUT as they get older, and perhaps there are more children, their wants become unreasonable and the parents then say no!
Does this cause the rage in the child? Does this begin the manipulation and threats of suicide? Does this cause the parents to find a way to give the child what they want just to have some peace? Then the circle continues?
If you're asking me, then I'd have to say there's already a personality deficit. Obviously, there are millions of initially spoiled first borns that aren't personality disordered. Like DeMarte said, the personality is in adaptation stage until 25 - until then, it can go either way. It's my belief that personality disorder is evident by the early to mid teens. Many psychs don't like labeling adolescents with a personality disorder and it can be very difficult to determine when a child is simply a troubled teen or when it's something potentially a lot worse.
A child not getting what they want is going to cause some anger - what level that rises to very much depends on the child and their personal make-up. With someone personality disordered, they will use manipulation to get what they want - and, in all honesty, that includes how they respond with anger. Someone can rage and simply yell a lot. Someone else can rage and become physically violent. IME, rage and anger are also used as manipulative tools - how better to control someone else's behavior than through them fearing you? Or fearing what you will do to yourself?
I mean no offense to anyone here who may be personality disordered but obviously my experiences loving someone who is leave me a bit biased. Untreated personality disordered people won't just use threats, rage, or emotional blackmail to get what they want - including how we respond to them - but they actually use what matters most. Our love. That can't be truer for parents of a personality disordered child - you want them to be happy, whole, and know they're loved. You'll do almost anything to ensure that and that is taken advantage of. When you 'behave' (meaning doing what they want) they'll be an angel and you'll buy into the false hope that finally things are changing. They aren't, but the personality disordered person needs to draw you back in so you don't leave or give up on them. Our hope is our second greatest weakness.
That's really the cycle. When they're happy they're so charismatic, loving, kind. You thank your lucky stars for them - of course at this time, you're also perfect in their eyes. They get annoyed, and you know from past experience a rage isn't far off, so you start walking on eggshells. You change your behavior to suit them. You begin to argue less because it's simply easier not to. You might not ground them when they come home at midnight because last time they tried to cut themselves. Eventually, boundaries blur and through loving someone severely personality disordered and untreated, you truly do lose a part of yourself. It is absolutely psychological warfare and emotional abuse. Part of you gives up, part of you keeps hoping, and most of you is always confused, sad, upset because part of the manipulative process is making you feel as though their behavior is caused by you. This has devastating consequences for loved ones: fear, shame, embarrassment, self-loathing, depression, low self-esteem, loss of trust, isolation, potential self-harm, possible substance abuse, mental health issues, PTSD, stress, anxiety.
I just gotta add (sorry this is so long already) - sometimes suicide threats made by personality disordered individuals are very real. Other times they're just a manipulative tool. I've never personally figured out how to tell the difference but the link between suicide and PD
is very real. I think we'd all agree as parents, we'd do practically anything to prevent our children from meeting that fate.
All JMO and FWIW
