Don't you just hate when a person :angel:.is always talking about how wonderful their children are. :hand:...:yes:They're so annoying!
ython: :floorlaugh:
No more talking about my sons and my stupid problems.:silenced:
Too much "me" for me. :hills:
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Two Black Eyes
A man walks into work with two black eyes. "How did you get the black eye, asked his boss?
"When I was in church, I noticed the woman in front of me had her dress caught in the crack of her arse so I pulled it out and she turned around and punched me in the eye."
"Then how did you get the other black eye, asked his boss?"
"Well, I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in!!!!"
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Cemetery
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? "
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband.
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Yard Work
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
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Jenny Craig for Men
I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I
lost 10 lbs. as promised.
I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."
I lost 63 pounds that week.
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Hernia Operation
A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before.
The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed.
“I hurt,” the man said. “You don’t know how it feels.”
“I know exactly how it feels,” the doctor said. “I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There’s no difference in our operations.”
“Oh yes there is,” said the patient. “You had a different surgeon.”
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The Irish Furniture dealer..
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
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Playing Golf
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since retirement, 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?" "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three, he can't help!" "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So, the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother in law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother in law, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" says the brother in law, "I have perfect eyesight!" "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "...Can't remember."
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Italian Mothers and Daughters
Italian Mother “Hello?”
Italian Daughter “Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?”
Italian Mother “You’re going out?”
Italian Daughter “Yes.”
Italian Mother “With whom?”
Italian Daughter “With a friend.”
Italian Mother “I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.”
Italian Daughter “MOM, I didn’t leave him. He left me!”
Italian Mother “You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.”
Italian Daughter “MA, I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?”
Italian Mother “I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.”
Italian Daughter “There are lots of things that you did and I don’t.”
Italian Mother “What are you hinting at?”
Italian Daughter “Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight..”
Italian Mother “You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?”
Italian Daughter “MA its My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me,he probably never slept alone!”
Italian Mother “So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?”
Italian Daughter “MOM, He’s not a loser.”
Italian Mother “A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.”
Italian Daughter “MA, I don’t want to argue; should I bring over the kids or not?”
Italian Mother “Poor children with such a mother.”
Italian Daughter “Such a what?”
Italian Mother “With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.”
Italian Daughter “ENOUGH MA!!!”
Italian Mother “Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at the loser too!”
Italian Daughter “Great MA, Now you’re worried about the loser?”
Italian Mother “Ah, so you see he is a loser and I spotted him immediately.”
Italian Daughter “Goodbye, mother.”
Italian Mother “Wait! Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over? “
Italian Daughter “I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!”
Italian Mother “If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"
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Sugar Bowl
Mrs. Bacciagalupe visits her son Anthony and his female roommate Maria.
During dinner, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two. Reading his Momma's thoughts, Anthony volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria says to Anthony, "Ever since your mother visited, I haven't been able to find the silver sugar bowl. Do you think she took it?"
"I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her." He e-mails his mother: "Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony."
Momma writes back: "Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."
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When I lived in Pa., there wasn't even tax on clothes or food [except bathing suits :floorlaugh:, which they consider a "luxury" :floorlaugh:. I'd like to see how many people would be on a beach or swimming in a lake with no bathing suits!!! :facepalm:]. Here in NYS, they do tax clothes, but not food- except "cooked food"- take out.
I shut his mouth real good/fast when I told him that although I have never written a book, run for Congress, am not a beautiful movie star, did not paint the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, no longer had a career after my last son was born, I will have raised 2 upright American citizens who are honest , hardworking, and kind- that any mother, person would be proud to know. (now how come I remember that conversation from way back and not remember when my car inspection was due??? :scared: :floorlaugh
