K_Z
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KZ’s interpretation of the 17 Affirmative Defenses filed by Dina Shacknai (#339 above). IANAL, so this is just for entertainment purposes only! (Bonus points if you can hum the Cell Block Tango while reading these...."She had it coming...")
FIRST AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Failure to State A Cause of Action)
“I don’t like the allegations against me. I am not happy.”
SECOND AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Statutes of Limitation)
“I think too much time has gone by, even though the court has found differently. She's been dead a long time. Let's just all forget about it. It doesn't matter anymore.”
THIRD AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE = (Liability of Third Party Tortfeasors)
“Somebody else killed her. I’m thinking about who I can blame. Jonah-- ah yes! He has a lot of money! Maybe I'll blame HIM! Ha! He's not even a party to this lawsuit.”
FOURTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Liability of Decedent)
“I didn’t do it. I think she killed herself.”
FIFTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Comparative Indemnity)
“If these other 2 defendants settle, or throw me under the bus, I should be allowed to sue them for whatever I have to pay. Those other 2 aren’t getting off the hook by settling without me.”
SIXTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Apportionment)
“I didn’t do it, but if I’d done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong? Don’t make me pay more than my share when you find me responsible for her killing.”
SEVENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Passive And Secondary Conduct)
“Maybe I was there, but I didn’t do it. Somebody else did it. But she had it coming.”
EIGHTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Superseding Acts)
“Somebody else did it.”
NINTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (No Causation)
“I didn’t do it. And even if I did, you can't prove it!”
TENTH AFFIRMATNE DEFENSE (Failure to Mitigate Damages)
“The plaintiffs and decedent failed to prevent us, the defendants, from killing her. It’s her own fault she’s dead.”
ELEVENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Damages Set-Off)
“All this is the plaintiff’s fault, somehow they are benefitting from this lawsuit financially, and I should be able to get money out of them because this is costing me money! NO FAIR! She had it coming!”
TWELFTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Civil Code § 1431.2)
“Even if you find against all 3 of us, I shouldn’t have to pay joint damages. I’m a special snowflake, and should be severed from all that.”
THIRTEENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Laches)
“You’ve been suing me for a long time, and I’m tired of all of this.”
FOURTEENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Unclean Hands)
“It’s Rebecca’s fault she’s dead.”
FIFTEENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Negligence Per Se)
“I think the plaintiffs and decedent possibly/ maybe violated some kind of ordinances at some point in time, and I’m looking into that as a defense against me killing Rebecca. Maybe they had a parking ticket, or something. Maybe a horn honking violation from many years ago. Or that shoplifting charge. Or their immigration papers aren’t valid. Or the dead father worked for the Nazis. Or… I just don’t like them at all, and want them to quit suing me, and I’ll just make something up that sounds good. Maybe that ex-husband Neil knows something embarrassing. I’ll harass him till I get something out of him that I can use. Or Jonah--yes.... he has money, and he probably did something I can dig up and blame on him. I'm sure he violated some city historic ordinance that caused me to kill Rebecca. My mean old ex-husband shouldn't get off scot free, when I'm getting SUED!”
SIXTEENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Lack of Standing)
“I don’t think the plaintiffs should be able to sue ME.”
SEVENTEENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE 23 (Unknown Defenses)
“I’m busy thinking up other ways to get out of these allegations.”
FIRST AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Failure to State A Cause of Action)
“I don’t like the allegations against me. I am not happy.”
SECOND AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Statutes of Limitation)
“I think too much time has gone by, even though the court has found differently. She's been dead a long time. Let's just all forget about it. It doesn't matter anymore.”
THIRD AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE = (Liability of Third Party Tortfeasors)
“Somebody else killed her. I’m thinking about who I can blame. Jonah-- ah yes! He has a lot of money! Maybe I'll blame HIM! Ha! He's not even a party to this lawsuit.”
FOURTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Liability of Decedent)
“I didn’t do it. I think she killed herself.”
FIFTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Comparative Indemnity)
“If these other 2 defendants settle, or throw me under the bus, I should be allowed to sue them for whatever I have to pay. Those other 2 aren’t getting off the hook by settling without me.”
SIXTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Apportionment)
“I didn’t do it, but if I’d done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong? Don’t make me pay more than my share when you find me responsible for her killing.”
SEVENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Passive And Secondary Conduct)
“Maybe I was there, but I didn’t do it. Somebody else did it. But she had it coming.”
EIGHTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Superseding Acts)
“Somebody else did it.”
NINTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (No Causation)
“I didn’t do it. And even if I did, you can't prove it!”
TENTH AFFIRMATNE DEFENSE (Failure to Mitigate Damages)
“The plaintiffs and decedent failed to prevent us, the defendants, from killing her. It’s her own fault she’s dead.”
ELEVENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Damages Set-Off)
“All this is the plaintiff’s fault, somehow they are benefitting from this lawsuit financially, and I should be able to get money out of them because this is costing me money! NO FAIR! She had it coming!”
TWELFTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Civil Code § 1431.2)
“Even if you find against all 3 of us, I shouldn’t have to pay joint damages. I’m a special snowflake, and should be severed from all that.”
THIRTEENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Laches)
“You’ve been suing me for a long time, and I’m tired of all of this.”
FOURTEENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Unclean Hands)
“It’s Rebecca’s fault she’s dead.”
FIFTEENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Negligence Per Se)
“I think the plaintiffs and decedent possibly/ maybe violated some kind of ordinances at some point in time, and I’m looking into that as a defense against me killing Rebecca. Maybe they had a parking ticket, or something. Maybe a horn honking violation from many years ago. Or that shoplifting charge. Or their immigration papers aren’t valid. Or the dead father worked for the Nazis. Or… I just don’t like them at all, and want them to quit suing me, and I’ll just make something up that sounds good. Maybe that ex-husband Neil knows something embarrassing. I’ll harass him till I get something out of him that I can use. Or Jonah--yes.... he has money, and he probably did something I can dig up and blame on him. I'm sure he violated some city historic ordinance that caused me to kill Rebecca. My mean old ex-husband shouldn't get off scot free, when I'm getting SUED!”
SIXTEENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE (Lack of Standing)
“I don’t think the plaintiffs should be able to sue ME.”
SEVENTEENTH AFFIRMATIVE DEFENSE 23 (Unknown Defenses)
“I’m busy thinking up other ways to get out of these allegations.”