? about Medical Examiner's role. BIL committed suicide this week and we are upset w/ME

[angelainwi]

My BIL hung himself we are thinking early Thursday morning. Mom and Dad found him yesterday (Friday) morning in the basement. My husband and I rushed over to BIL's condo and were there when the Medical Examiner came. We are still troubled by the ME's behavior and are unsure if our experience was normal. The female ME cried almost throughout the whole process. Of course mom and dad, brother, sister, myself cried at times during the process but I think she cried more than all of us.

My husband, his father and myself wanted to go into the basement to see my BIL after the ME was done with her investigation. We wanted to hold his hands and pray for him. The father had already seen his son dead and my husband and I were prepared that it would definitely not be a pretty sight. But we felt strongly about touching him and praying for him. The ME absolutely FORBADE us from seeing him. She was almost hysterical that we wanted to do this. Crying...and carrying on multiple times that she is a mom and feels strongly that seeing him would not be appropriate??? We knew that he would look different. And we knew that there was nothing abnormal about the scene because dad and mom had already seen him. I could understand if maybe there was something really sick about the death scene, but it was a normal hanging.

Was she out of line? We had asked the police officer if we could go down and pray while we waited for the ME. He said no, let's wait for the ME. We respected that and understood that he was probably protecting the potential crime scene. Did we as a family have the right to demand that we see him once the ME was done. Does a family have any rights to see their deceased after the ME is done? She didn't strongly suggest we don't see him she said she would not allow us to see him....

edited to fix typos

 

[TTF14]

I'm so sorry for your loss . Just tragic right before Christmas.

Her behavior sounds very abnormal, especially the crying. I can imagine strongly advising you not to view him actually hanging might be protocol, but her emotion involved seems very over the top. Did she perhaps know your BIL on a personal level?

Once the dust settles I'd probably "file" an informal complaint about her emotional behavior.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[angelainwi]

I do not believe she knew him at all. And there were several ME's on duty (we are in a large metro area) so I would think that if she did, she could have easily given the case to a different ME.

 

[CoverMeCagney]

So sorry to hear this @angelainwi, her reaction sounds pretty unprofessional and if I were you I'd have to try and find out why. Thoughts with your family, such sad news.

 

[TTF14]

I do not believe she knew him at all. And there were several ME's on duty (we are in a large metro area) so I would think that if she did, she could have easily given the case to a different ME.

Maybe some PTSD on her part? Maybe in her personal life she has found a family member that way?

 

[Lexiintoronto]

My BIL hung himself we are thinking early Thursday morning. Mom and Dad found him yesterday (Friday) morning in the basement. My husband and I rushed over to BIL's condo and were there when the Medical Examiner came. We are still troubled by the ME's behavior and are unsure if our experience was normal. The female ME cried almost throughout the whole process. Of course mom and dad, brother, sister, myself cried at times during the process but I think she cried more than all of us.

My husband, his father and myself wanted to go into the basement to see my BIL after the ME was done with her investigation. We wanted to hold his hands and pray for him. The father had already seen his son dead and my husband and I were prepared that it would definitely not be a pretty sight. But we felt strongly about touching him and praying for him. The ME absolutely FORBADE us from seeing him. She was almost hysterical that we wanted to do this. Crying...and carrying on multiple times that she is a mom and feels strongly that seeing him would not be appropriate??? We knew that he would look different. And we knew that there was nothing abnormal about the scene because dad and mom had already seen him. I could understand if maybe there was something really sick about the death scene, but it was a normal hanging.

Was she out of line? We had asked the police officer if we could go down and pray while we waited for the ME. He said no, let's wait for the ME. We respected that and understood that he was probably protecting the potential crime scene. Did we as a family have the right to demand that we see him once the ME was done. Does a family have any rights to see their deceased after the ME is done? She didn't strongly suggest we don't see him she said she would not allow us to see him....

edited to fix typos

I am very sorry, it’s a heart-breaking loss.

The ME in my friend’s suicide also did not permit us to see her remains. It bothered me a great deal at the time. I wanted to touch her hand at least.

Now, many years later, I’m grateful they stopped me. When I think of her the image I have is as she was in life.

If an ME, EMS or other first responder hold you back from seeing the remains of your loved one, they’re doing it with your best interests at heart. You cannot ‘un-see’ the image.

Murdered Airbnb traveller Carla Stefaniak’s father had to insist on seeing her remains. I followed the coverage and I remember the footage of him leaving the coroner’s office. He looked broken.

https://www.google.ca/amp/s/amp.miamiherald.com/news/local/article222626615.html

As for the crying—that’s unusual and unprofessional, in my opinion. I’m a lab tech. I cried during a first real emergency on the job during my internship.

I quickly learned that it rendered me unable to perform my job adequately and added more stress to the situation.

It happens, it’s human. But excusing yourself if you can and getting your grip back is what’s expected.

 

[kaen]

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have ME experience but her reaction is odd. I can understand if she wanted to preserve any evidence and not make a determination until she examined him further. Her crying is more of a burden for a grieving family.

 

[MrsWatson]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I think that the was crying was very unprofessional. I do agree that it is best to hold another picture in your mind of your loved one though. My mom died in hospice and they gave me some time with her, since I wasn't there when it happened. It took me years and years to get that out of my head.

I would address the crying with her office. That's just not good at all. And really kinda weird, too.

Again, my condolences. xo

 

[angelainwi]

I spoke with the ME's office. It sounds like she cries a lot at every case. Up until now they have not had a family call in a complaint. I will be contacted by the head person after the holidays to be interviewed more fully. The supervisor that called me back today acknowledged that the way things were handled were questionable and it appears to me that at least this supervisor is uncomfortable with this particular ME's bedside manner so to speak. She thinks all of the crying is inappropriate and she also finds it in appropriate that his ME is always referencing herself as a mother. She said that 14 out of the 15 ME's they have would have definitely let us see our loved one. Of course, they would not have allowed us to view him hanging. She said they would have put him on the gurney and brought him up to the main floor and would have had his head, torso, arms and hands open to us. They would have usually used a scarf or something to drape over his neck but but that nothing in the report led her to believe that he should not have been able to be viewed and prayed with. She seemed incredulous that the ME forbade us from seeing him at all, that she told us no. That it was not just strongly suggested not to.

The other really odd thing that happened is after really pushing back she agreed to take him out on the gurney in the body bag and put another draping over the body. She would only let us see him enclosed in the bodybag outside on the gurney in nature. And instead of keeping him right outside the back door in privacy she wheeled him to the side of the house with his head facing the street and made us pray over him there??? I would not doubt if people were watching out their windows....The ME supervisor continually seemed to be like WTF as I explained our experience.

I look forward to talking to the head of the department to hopefully prevent other grieving families to go through our experience.

When you finally get in your vehicle to leave the scene, the first words to your husband and him back to me should not be "WTF was that?" I am glad I called and was told I am not crazy and that things could have been and should have been handled much differently.