I'm not sure if I should do anything or not. My daughter doesn't remember much about going to him. She doesn't remember if she was ever examined or anything. This just hit me like a tons of bricks because just yesterday I was working on finding the man who molested her when she was 3. I feel like I am cracking up. I'm starting to feel like I've been feeding her to the wolves her whole life.
Belinda,
I don't know how old she is now, but people start to deal with this kind of thing when they are in their 30s to 40s, and it's very difficult to even admit it to yourself, let alone parents. For the longest time, when my parents would ask what I thought about all of the rumblings of the ayres molestations, I "didn't remember much about going to him." Of course, that was a bit of a stretch, since I was thinking about the very clear memories and feelings of guilt most days since well WELL before news broke.
I think you need to approach it "sideways." Direct on brings up the shields...
Something like "What is your gut feeling about the doctor, was he a good doctor?" "Do you think a friend of mine should send her kid to the doctor?" and let it sit at that for a bit. (While you're contacting the DA, of course to let them figure out what they can figure out.) Don't be surprised if the answer is "Ok doctor... sure, send the kids." and then a few days later, get a suggestion that maybe some other doctors would be better.
The biggest problem is that if something DID happen, she's probably expecting you to explode at her with things like "why didn't you tell me", "you should have said something", etc, etc.... These are natural and automatic things to say, and they are perceived as accusations of guilt on the part of the victim..."It's YOUR fault for not saying something to us" is what the victim HEARS in those statements -- just what we've been running from for so many years... AND you might not like the response you get: Often we DID speak up, but we were so afraid, that it didn't come out specific enough or clear enough, and our parents tend to assume that we're over-reacting to something the doctor thinks is necessary. Inevitably, YOU will then become defensive and the conversation will fall apart.
There is some good stuff out there on how to react if your YOUNG child reveals abuse to you, and it all still applies if they are adults, and were abused when they were children. The key is LISTEN and make NO STATEMENTS about "should have" "could have" "why?" The only statements should be confirmation of belief in what they're saying, and that you will TAKE ACTIONS to protect them. The rest can fall out later, after the hardest part is over. Stay calm, and supportive ONLY.
