BBM
I am touched by these past few posts between you and
@Love Never Fails .
I just wanted to speak to the desire you have each expressed about prevention.
So, after all my prior talk about compassion and the need for understanding how people are shaped by their childhoods, I just want to say
personal accountability is key.
There but for the grace of God, go I.
I think, given the right circumstances, any person is capable of murder. We don't want that to be true; we'd like a gap between "us" and "them". but the capacity for evil in the human mind/soul, is matched only by its capacity for greatness.
A person has to want to be "fixed". And that desire to be "fixed" is really just the desire to be better than we currently are. I don't think that desire is fired up in anyone simply by showing compassion and friendship to the depressed, suicidal, murderous individual. Your friend so sadly found this out.
Maybe it's done by showing them what they could be... hold up
hope for them to take a good look at. Put goodness and beauty out into the world. Appeal to the good in people, even if there's only a tiny bit there, make them want to be a hero. Shine your light. Encourage them to see how great they can be, to not be "just human," but to be
fully human.
I dunno. I'm just rambling here, but those are my thoughts.
Imma gonna ramble too.
I love your post. My mom always used to say "But for the grace of God, there go I."
But I don't think you could ever be a sociopath or a murderer. Things would have had to go differently for you, as a child and we all wish we knew what goes wrong to create a "Tee Stauch."
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I just don't think that you or I or
@Love Never Fails or most of the people here on WS truly could "become murderers."
I know absolutely I could kill someone in self defense. I might be able to murder someone who severely harmed one of my children, especially if the legal system didn't do its job. I don't think I could do it, though. Maybe. Like my mom (I'm adopted, so I'm speaking of non-bio parents), I pretty much try hard to follow rules. I've been in fear for my life during a crime and even then never organized the best self-defense, much less an offense. I know this is debatable, but deep in my heart I just can't envision circumstances in which we all would murder (not counting self defense).
I've come to believe that there are genes involved, but also (obviously) habits of mind and I don't think there *must* be genes involved - people can learn to be bad. Catching these people early and giving them consequences that are
painful to them seems to be the only thing that cuts through and shapes their behavior. And yes, you are right - they have to want to change. Most of them simply lay low, pretend to be reformed, and then look for their next opportunity to be antisocial.
It's very foreign to me to try and think like Letecia Stauch. I kind of get "this person is annoying me/scaring me so much right now, I'm gonna grab 'em and shake 'em" (which then goes overboard and like the woman
@MassGuy was mentioning, the stepmom strangles the stepdaughter).
I don't understand thinking, "Hmm, I need to get rid of this child, what's the best way to do it without getting caught?" Every part of that statement is crazy and alien.
I try to keep in mind that she may have been dealing with Gannon's health issues, some of which were unpleasant and would stress any parent. Still, I think most of you get my drift: it's not normal to be thinking about harming or hurting a child.
I'm in the camp that thinks LS premeditated this, perhaps off and on for years, never truly loving Gannon, always pretending to care about him, secretly hating him and his health issues. She was not completely able to "come out" about this even to herself. Obviously, if she had admitted her issues, it would have ruined her marriage. Couples therapy is not going to fix "I hate being a mother to your kids" problems.
I also think that the structure of the Stauch's life put Gannon at risk.
Just as my dad had to remove himself from triggers (his own family situation, certain kinds of people) and put himself in a rather strict moral environment, the only way LS could have gotten less volatile would have been for someone else to restructure her life (take the kids out of her care or at least make sure, as I had to do in my first marriage, that the volatile parent wasn't left alone with the kids - the Stauchs did the opposite). I think this explains their religiosity. They were struggling to find a strict moral framework to make themselves better people.
Sometimes religion is enough, but distancing oneself from the people that one wants to harm is Step One in solving these issues structurally.
One reason LS may have been so addicted to SM, especially texts with AS and getting really butt hurt when he didn't respond, is that she needed constant contact, really a kind of supervision, from people who could be stern with her or set limits.