First, I feel a kindred spirit with all of you. Bless you for sharing your stories as they are an encouragement and illumination to others.
My PTSD has been debilitating in many ways and has caused much paranoia and anxiety. I also have borderline disorder now as a result, although I am successfully dealing with it via behavioral therapy. My borderline resulted essentially from abuse/neglect as a child.
From the time of my birth, my paternal great grandmother told my paternal grandmother, aunt, and uncle to all pray for me to die. She asked them to do this because it would "open" my father's eyes. This great grandmother is more than likely the source of all the generational abuse I was so fortunate to inherit.
I spent much of my life walking on eggshells in my home. My older brothers would beat my legs until I could hardly walk. My mother was dissociated most of the time and hardly noticed. My father wasnt around much either. My mother was kind, but weak. My father was charismatic and wonderful one moment and dark and evil the next. He was Bipolar and drug addicted. He served in Vietnam and also did work for the govt after arms dealing. As one would say, he was a bad mother...
So, by the time I was 11 My father had regularly began using every substance imaginable, but the new prescription drug fad really floated his boat. Despite his abuse upon my mother, he had her arrested by claiming that she tried to destroy his property and being drunk - she only knocked over his laptop while trying to get away as he threatened to shoot her with a gun. But a drunk woman's word over her bread winning husband in the south at that time was as good as dirt. My dad abandoned me with my brothers once she was in jail.
My oldest brother webt to a special school and was learning disabled. My other brother closest in age to me grew pot in his room and insusted i help him water his plants when he couldnt. I had someone take me to and from school bc there was no bus that went to my school in the country. I had an instance where a call was made to my school by a man saying that a hit man was waiting outside of the school to shoot and kill me. Eventually after 3 months, my mom came back and was able to take care of me.
My dad came back around the same time as my mom, a little after her. Things were abusive for the next 4 years - physical and emotional. On one occassion he had an overdose and began to go into cardiac arrest during an abusive rage, but my brother and I revived him. Many memories from this time are foggy. Many are lost. My psych who treated me throughout all of those years has told me that I have lost much memory of the events possibly as a coping mechanism.
On my 16th birthday my dad hit my mom and my brother closest in age to me, the pot grower, grabbed a baseball bar and declared he had enough of seeing my father abuse my mother. My mother, in fear my brother and father would kill each other, called 911.
I remember chatting on the computer while all of this was going on and my best friend Asking me in complete schock, her eyes wide, "Why don't you care? The police are here. Come look!"
I answered back in a dissociated monotone voice, "I'm used to it. What can I do?" and went back to chatting about a boy band on the computer.
From the ages of 16-17, my dad was gone and when i did hear from him it was all useless druggie dribble. One second he would tell me I was the most amazing child and the next he'd say he was going to "cut my head off" bc I was a
like my mother. Eventually I just pulled the phone cord out of the wall to ignore/escape the calls/contact. My mother was around to care for me at this time, but it was more me caring for her as by this time both of my brothers were out of the house.
Then almost at 18 years old, my dad went to rehab and finally it stuck. He came back and was completely apologetic. He had became a new person, even though his bipolar disorder would read its ugly head.
Now I am 28, a decade after the abuse, and I help care for my father who has stage 4 cancer. He has become an amazing man full of love and mercy. He asks my forgiveness every day and by this point, I don't require it. I know his "sorry" is more than sincere.
Never the less, my behavioral patterns of a fear of neglect/isolation/abandonment make me more dependent than most. I also was a victim for so long in my life that I now have to retrain myself and my behavior to understand that I no longer am a victim of abuse. All of these symptoms give me a Borderline Personality Disorder.
I take medication for anxiety as I have avoidant personality issues. I avoid getting close to others in fear that they will abandon me or not accept me. I also get nervous/agitated with being touched or if there are loud unexpected noises. I get paranoid about ridiculous things like if the house is going to burn down bc I left a light on (even if I'm just leaving the house to walk my dogs).
My dogs have helped me go outside and engage with others. They also help me feel safe with strangers as they are kind dogs, but firm about my protection.
My fiancée is amazing and is a survivor of child abuse, emotional/sexual/physical. He is my rock and my soul mate and I thank God for giving me someone who truly understands where I came from in life and where I hope to go in my future. He and I are not sure if we want children simply because our childhoods resulted in us having some fragmented aspects of our personalities that we fear might hold us back in parenting. If we feel we both are psychologically ready to be responsible caregivers for children, we would live to do just that. But again, the effects of PTSD have left he and I with some identity issues that we need to identify fully before undertaking other life milestones.
I do not believe Borderline PD is genetic, but that it is rather a maladaptive coping mechanism created from prime psychological or environmental factors.
Since Jodi Arias has not testified to having significant abuse in childhood, I believe her Borderline PD is a result of a Sociopathic PD. in short, her borderline is not a result of environment, rather it is a result of a deeper inherent disorder Jodi possesses. She is a sociopath who uses borderline behaviors to achieve her own gain.
Not ideal but better then prescription drugs. Humor, deep breathing, faith and now compassionate people who understand and genuinely seem to care is what keeps me sane. Thank you again and my prayers for everyone here that has suffered.
