Hi, my Princess :seeya:
I've been praying for you.
some funnies to lighten your day:
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Questions For Which There Are No Good Answers
*How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
*Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going?
*Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
*What disease did cured ham actually have?
*If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
*Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
*Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
*If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
*If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix the hole in a boat?
*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
*Why, Why, Why...
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
*Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
*Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
*Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
*Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
*How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
*In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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Don't wash your hair in the shower!
New health warning
Don't wash your hair in the shower!!!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT
WARNING TO US ALL!!!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very
clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering
with Dawn dish washing soap instead.
Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
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The ladies room
In a Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if
you promise not to touch any of the buttons
on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
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Irish Baptism
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, OI am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, OI haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, OI haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?