* A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, Is something wrong?
To which she replied, There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, YOUVE GOT MAIL!
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* A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I dont want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.
Yes, sir! answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: So, Seamus, how was your day?
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.
Bravo, and the second one? asks the doctor.
The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir. says Seamus.
Bravo, bravo! Youre good at this and what about the third one? asks the doctor.
Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!
Thunderin Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do? asks the doctor.
I put drops in her eyes. !!!!!
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* First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, No, this is my first time.
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
Just a minute, she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. Do these excite you? She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
Well, come on, she said, We dont have much time. So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. Did you put that condom on? she asked.
I said, I sure did, and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
