The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be
here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting
you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out
in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and
when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can
get to work right away..'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
---------------------------------------------------------
The Pessimist
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst.
An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find
the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His
search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to
retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would
ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a
pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new
dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired, and a duck
fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not
sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting
more than his paws wet.
This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the
surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw
everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "Your dog
can't swim!"
----------------------------------------------
Bathtub Test
During a recent visit to a mental asylum, a physicist asked the Admissions
Director how he determined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well" said the Director, "we fill a bathtub with water. Then we offer the
prospective patient a teaspoon, a teacup, or a bucket and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand" said the physicist, "a normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" said the Director, "a normal person would open the drain. Would you like a
bed near the window?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Guy Walks Into The Doctor's Office
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he
had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him
to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him
to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smart Logic
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and
a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later,
Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky
and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologic-ally, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Methodologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we
are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you,
Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!
-----------------------------
Goodnight :seeya:
.
