- Joined
- Apr 6, 2013
- Messages
- 34,377
- Reaction score
- 69,040
How a Senior looks at life in general
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Very true
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometimes 15%
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and
refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS! So true
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending coffee break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?
'98,' she replied...'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
-----------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
----------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.
--------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate
cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
------------------------------------------
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I
got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But,by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had
two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
-----------------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
-------------------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
------------------------------------
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
---------------------------------
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
-----------------------------
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
---------------------------------
2 Italians On A Bus
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first, Den I come, Den two asses come together, I come once-a-
more!
Two asses, they come together again, I come again and pee twice, Then I
come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore.
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"She retorted indignantly.
"In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our Sex lives!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
:floorlaugh: :floorlaugh:
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Very true
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometimes 15%
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and
refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS! So true
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending coffee break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?
'98,' she replied...'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
-----------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
----------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.
--------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate
cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
------------------------------------------
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I
got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But,by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had
two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
-----------------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
-------------------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
------------------------------------
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
---------------------------------
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
-----------------------------
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
---------------------------------
2 Italians On A Bus
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first, Den I come, Den two asses come together, I come once-a-
more!
Two asses, they come together again, I come again and pee twice, Then I
come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore.
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"She retorted indignantly.
"In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our Sex lives!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
:floorlaugh: :floorlaugh:
.
arty::fireworks:
