(especially for sick people)
Gentle thoughts for today:
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really
in trouble.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it
spells "THEIRS"?
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The older you get, the higher you wear your underwear. Like rings on a tree.
Eighty, ninety years old, your breasts are inside them. When you die, they
just pull them up over your head.
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replied.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die
you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
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Older Love Making
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages,
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered
over time that they enjoyed each others company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude
asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight,
she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most
romantic restaurant in town. Despite their ages, they
ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and with
age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude
for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments
theyd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts
..
Claude was thinking: If Id known she was a virgin,
Id have been gentler.
Maude was thinking: If Id known he could still do it,
Id have taken off my pantyhose.
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Why We Love Children
1) I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, Mom, that lady isnt wearing a seat belt!
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. Mommy cant come to the phone to talk to you right now. Shes hitting the bottle.
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the womens locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels & running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement, then asked, Whats the matter, havent you ever seen a little boy before?
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up & down at my uniform, she asked, Are you a cop? Yes, I answered, & continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? Yes, thats right, I told her. Well, then, she said as she extended her foot toward me, would you please tie my shoe?
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my canine partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. Is that a dog you got back there? he asked. It sure is, I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me & then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, Whatd he do?
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned & whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this!
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldnt wear that suit. And why not, darling? You know it always gives you a headache the next morning.
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son & his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box & cotton batting, then dug a hole & made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The ministers son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers & with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes. (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. Im just wasting my time, she said to her mother. I cant read, I cant write, and they wont let me talk!
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. Mama, look what I found, the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boys voice, he answered, I think its Adams underwear!
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Inner Peace
I have found inner peace; here's how you can, too.
I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish
everything you start. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate
pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy.
I feel better already.
I wish addicts who fall off the wagon at least have someone with them. It seems to happen regularly lately, and I am not sure what it will take to get the message out.
hoh:
arty:
