First- some chocolates:
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Quality Certificate of my Wife
A Quality Analysis Engineer married an average girl.
After 24 months of tough life with her, finally the Engineer got angry and sent a note to his father-in-law stating that:
'YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS'
The smart father-in-law replies,
'WARRANTY EXPIRED, MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE'
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Traveler Needs a Room
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ..
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. Probably.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what direction that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken - cross the road? Did he cross it - with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road - but why it crossed - I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening for the first time,that same chicken tell us, in its own words, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if you try ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die ..... Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace ....
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, Millennium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cras ... #@&&^(!
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
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Discomfort
In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"
She replies, "My head hurts."
Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"
"Yes," she says.
Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"
"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses he lips.
"Is it better now?"
"Much better."
"Anywhere else?"
She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.
Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"
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Supermarket
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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The Nun and the Cabbie
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Nun and Fortune Telling Machine
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."
She sat down again. From nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said "This is incredible. I've got to try it again".
Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind".
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong "I never broke wind in public a day in my life!"
Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
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Ice Cream Parlor
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
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How are you feeling daisy? Thanks for being there for Autumn (along with the others).
Tomorrow will be a better day. :seeya: